Thursday, February 18, 2010

From Toni: Faking It

From Toni: All of my in-Authenticity and Lies have built up over time, teaching people how I wanted to be treated, or so they thought! I have had so much trouble in the past trying to figure out why people would take advantage of me, have so many expectations or judgements against me... OR not listen to me when I tell them what I want. Looking back I can see that I was so fake with people. My actions and words were so different. People around me were acting with love and innocence, for the most part. It was ME that set them up to believe or think something about me that just wasn't true.

The example that sticks out in my mind, of course, is the fake orgasm. Ah yes, I think I could win an Academy Award for my acting skills in the bedroom! My first fake orgasm came long ago, early on in my relationship with my husband. It seemed like I just couldn't climax. I would introduce fun and games into the bedroom to 'make' things more exciting, but in the end I would fake an orgasm; not wanting my lover to think he was inadequate or to confess that I was having a hard time climaxing.

I see so clearly now that what he was observing was someone that was really enjoying herself! Instead of being truthful and telling him what I wanted, when it felt good, or when it didn't; I would roll my eyes in the darkness and think to myself, "Oh, God here we go again- just get it over with". I would get angry and frustrated with HIM, when all along it was ME creating my own experience. Can you imagine after ten years, not knowing the person you are married to? Even in what most would consider the most intimate part of your married life? I can imagine that would be much more difficult to chew on than just being real from the beginning. Start your new beginning!! We can do it anytime, ALL the time!

What a completely different experience it is to be honest in the bedroom :) To be in control of my own experience and giving someone else the gift of authenticity. Definetely and "orgasmic" experience!

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