Respect

FROM DAVID:

"Respect your elders."

I don't know who to credit this quote to, be it "popular wisdom" or "folk saying", as it comes from so many sources. It's surprising to notice that if you look at the other "popular wisdom" there is a noticable lack of a counterpart for our youngers. "Respect your kids" isn't one I've EVER heard! Why not? And why has "respect your elders" been broadcast so broadly?

Just playing with ideas, this feels like cultural messaging to the effect of "don't respect your kids and put on a good (but perhaps not authentic) face on with your elders." But then, why would we hear it coming from our elders? We tease each other about turning 30 and 40 and 50 and so on. I've seen kids try to use age as power to manipulate younger kids. I've seen a great respect for children from the older generations, and somewhat less for the middle-aged. How does age come into play in the way you treat others? What meaning does it actually hold? Is it just what we believe about it, or are there irrefutable truths? But enough about age. This is about respect.

What I've learned from The Option Institute and the Son-Rise Program has opened me up to accept, appreciate, and respect SO much more than I did before. Now I appreciate the purpose of the "isms" (the things/behavior we do to cope and give comfort to ourselves, like biting our nails as we wait nervously or clenching the muscles in our feet while getting a dental cleaning) that my son has, as well as my own isms. It's always fun to take a learning from the Son-Rise Program, or any source, and generalize it to see where else it applies. For example, can we look at the things people do as their isms, that serve their purpose(s), whether we understand or agree, or not? And to be fair, can we look within ourselves with enough respect to find the purpose in our judgment? In this light, is anything truly unforgivable? What or who is there to disrespect??


Respect.
It's love, presence, being happy with, joining, listening first.
No need to add "your elders"... or to exclude "your youngers".
No need to leverage age to get it.
No need to earn it by getting older.
No need to earn it at all.
No way to lose it. It's freely given...
because we're here,
together,
now.

Unhappiness chosen by others

Thought about unhappiness chosen by others: If someone I love chooses to get unhappy and I get unhappy about their unhappiness, we now have two unhappy people in the room. Since I am free to choose my feelings and others are free to choose theirs, then my business is about my happiness or unhappiness and their business is about their happiness or unhappiness. What we can do is love them, NOT join them.

Bears

Comments:

Joan G. - WOW....just the subject I was discussing with my son last night...thank you

Brian E. - Mmmm, thanks for the reminder...deep love and gratitude, Brian

Holly B. S. - Another lovely insight to read at the beginning of my day. THANKS!

Simone D. L. T. - There's such a huge belief in my latin culture that you don't care about people if you don't join them in their unhappiness. In a Brazilian Son-Rise Yahoo group I was once acused of being cold, heartless and rude when I was helping a Mom with questions, at her own request, not being a victim, helping her to be grateful for the challenges in her life. The same thing has happened here on Facebook with people unfamiliar to the Option process.

Sean F. - Bears you told me this 15 years ago in the 'hug line' after a HOW class. And it is still a conversation I think about when choosing to be happy when someone else might think it appropriate for me to be unhappy 'for them' Thanks for taking that moment!

Angela Z. - It's so easy to join them in their unhappiness but also in their happiness. But taking a step back, looking at what you're doing and desciding to step into your own business and choose your own happiness. That's what I want to do and choose to do. Thank you Bears.

Neal E. - Thank you. Have an Awesome Day! Keep in touch...

Melinda C. - Bears, when I read your comment last night...I had just chosen unhappiness and I was letting myself wallow in it. I was pittiful, then your words filled my head and I thought "Wow, I don't have to be unhappy do I?" I knew I could choose, but I needed that reminder. I choose to make the last few moments of my night sweet instead of sour. Thank you again!

Karen H. - Yep. Thank you so much. I activlely was able to CHOOSE NOT to join someone in their inhappiness (mmm INhappiness typos are so special sometimes) I'm going to enjoy my INhappy today). It IS simple it IS easy you just have to remember to make it BIG that thing called happiness... own your own happiness learn from the "take away" pull it in... fill it up and let it back out all special and perfect. Much Love, and thank you again - this afternoon is going to be so especialy different....

Alison S. T. - I think that if we choose unhappiness because someone around us is unhappy, it means in some way we are still buying in to the stimulus response model, because we are believing that in some way other people will change the way they are behaving because of us, e.g. our unhappiness demonstrates our caring and so can 'make' another person feel better. However, if we really get that other people are responsible for their behaviour in the same way that we are responsible for ours then it frees us to choose happiness regardless of the choices around us. This realisation has been really useful this afternoon, when a few people chose unhappiness around me. I am still happy : )

FROM BEARS: Love Bigger Than Ever

What if, this week, each of us turns up our love bigger than ever? What if we chose to love not only those who appear to be great candidates, like our partners, our children, our parents, our friends, even our co-workers...but the cashier in the market, the teller in the bank, the bus driver, the telephone operator, even people who are angry and judging us? What if we choose love first, action second, 24/7? Bears

COMMENTS:

Bears Barry Neil Kaufman
What if just one of us do that? One person begins can begin an evolution -- the power of one person. Now supposed two of us do it...or four, or twenty, or everyone on Facebook? In that instant, the world would have changed. But actually, the world will change when just one of us takes a 24/7 leadership role -- love first, act second. It's one of the pillars of our Inner Strength program at the Option Institute. But I want love to see it become a wave -- a wonderful, gentle but strong wave -- if you going to be doing it this week and next, let me know. With Love and joy and optimism, Bears

Jeannie R.
This is fascinating, because ever since I took my first Option course, Fearless, about a year ago, I have been doing this and it has definitely expanded my universe in a beautiful and happy way. It was as if I let go of my resistance and decided to really be open--and of course, others opened more to me. Just making eye contact and smiling works wonders! Then, taking Radical Authenticity just helped me deepen this further I'm thrilled you are suggesting it to everyone!

Larry B.
Bears........you are on an amazing roll......kudos

Melissa W. S.
I'm going to give it a go...

Diana F.
Yes, Yes, Yes!!!! I'm turning up ze "volume!" Lots of love to give!! I'm IN!!!!

Lynn R. P.
Yes, I'm in...already previewing who I might see this week and thinking of really loving them and wanting the best for them.

Creusa B.
'Love first, act second'... powerful mantra. A friend of mine wrote, "Just love. It is love that remains."

Cyn T.-H.
Hmmmm along the lines of "Let love, and let go". Very nice!

Beth B.
Wow, Bears, I am loving logging on to Facebook and seeing/hearing from you ! - I will be loving first and acting second this week - annd daring to apply that to myself as well as to the rest of the world, which has always been easier for me. Thanks for the inspiration!

Obdulia A.
I love those words and thank you for the excellent idea, Can we change the world?....Yes we can!!!!! LOVE FIRST, ACTION SECOND,24/7, God Bless you Bears!

Peter A. V. L.
Hi Bears. I can't describe how increteble it feels to love first and act second with local afghan people. A whole new world has opned for me and sometimes the locals and the interpretor look at me in disbelive when I express empathy instead of anger. But I feels great and first of all I am doing it for me. Love from Afghanistan - Ethan ♥

Heather B.
Love first, then we NEVER have to judge!

Karen B.
THis morning I'm loving my wonderful (if a tetch grumpy) son, Stephanie our fabulous volunteer son-rise playworker who is in the playroom with him this very moment, the cat, Bobby, for wiping his feet as he left the litter box, and my 3rd coffee, - for tasting so very good! It's a beautiful day-ay-ay, it's a beautiful day! sing! :o)))

Sherri Lynn D.
Hello Bears! I believe the world does change from the moment WE decide to change. Speaking from personal experience, YOU have to WANT it!!!

Lora W. Br.
Ok. Sure. I will start with you. I do not even know you but I will send you internet love. :)

Bears Barry Neil Kaufman
Thank you all for being excited about really doing it...you, Ethan in Afganistan, you, Jeannie in Ohio, us here in Massachusetts -- please copy both posting about love at the top and spread the message. Hurrah for Stephanie the Son-Rise Program volunteer and for Bobby, the Cat --- so much for all of us to love. Love not simply a feeling, but when conceived us as a verb -- ah, it then become an action and a feeling. How cool is that? Love and gratitude, Bears

Failure is Not an Option?

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman):
Imagine if you decide, that you cannot fail. Seriously! You decide it's not an option. What if -- failure doesn't exist in the real world but only within the world of our beliefs? Sometimes, we take a test but don't get a passing grade. Sometimes, we ask someone for a date and they say no. Sometimes, we apply for jobs and are not hired. Sometimes, we decide we're not going to order desert after a meal and then do it anyway. Sure, we could use this as a list of personal failures. We didn't hit the mark or reach the goal. But why do we call that failure? We could celebrate that we took the test or went for the job interview or asked for that date. We could notice that stepping out and reach out is a lovely, life-affirming endeavor. And that GETTING (although we want what we want) is not the be-all, end-all of the most effective and self-nourishing way to define ourselves.

Suppose we create a different criteria of self-assessment. It's all about BEING and DOING and not about GETTING. Yes, we'll get what we reach for from time to time, but we don't have to use that as the way to characterize the wonder (or lack thereof) of who we are. Imagine if you we teaching a child to dance and every time they did the dance step not in accordance to a defined form, imagine then calling that child a failure ("Hey, dummy, what's your problem"). C'mon -- it probably wouldn't enter your mind. You might find yourself saying: "good shot," "terrific movement," "hey, you're stepping out but let's turn instead of going forward." You'd note the effort spent, probably celebrate the effort and give more guidance, maybe while you're smiling and in sincere awe of a youngster doing the best she can to dance. So, if you'd give that child such love and celebration...why not extend the same kindness and appreciation to ourselves?
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Hey, what about you never failed? Yes, you judged and when you judged what you missed or didn't accomplished, you called that a failure -- probably to motivate yourself to do better next time. What about every effort, no matter what or when expended, is worthy of your delight praise (celebration) and respect? Wouldn't you do that when you are playing with a baby or a toddler? Wouldn't you do that for someone who has a stroke and is learning to walk again?

C'mon, let's give ourselves a break. Tough task masters who judge are not the best teachers...not for others, not for ourselves. Actually, acceptance and love greases the wheels of learning and change most effectively. We could say that acceptance and love is by far the most important attitudinal educational tool on the planet -- yet, at the same time, it not merely under-rated, it's often ignored.

Okay...so the next time we (you, me) or anyone we're with (spouse, partner, friend, child, parent, neighbor, teacher, waitress, bank teller, cab driver) attempts to do anything (yes, yes, I mean anything), let's just give it a standing ovation. No kidding. Get on our feet and start applauding. No failure happening or entertained. Any movement or behavior taken is a movement or behavior worth noting and celebrating. And, get this -- standing still or remaining in a seated position is also a behavior.

Am I suggesting that we become indiscriminate? Not exactly. We can lobby and do everything we can to support life and kindness verses violence and hate. At the same time, we can see effort, any effort, as the journey of life and not require getting as the reason to see and enjoy the bounty of who we are and who the people are that are in our lives at any given moment.

Ah, what freedom. Ah, what self-appreciation and love. Ah, what nourishing kindness.

Love and smiles, Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman/Co-Founder Option Institute/Autism Treatment Center of America/Son-Rise Program)

Choosing to Love, Part 2

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman): On Love: #2 -- Can people experience and change because you love them? As if your love "infiltrates" their physiological and spiritual systems without their permission. The basics: stimulus-belief-response. When someone loves you, in your universe, they are the "stimulus." You can be open to how they choose to be with you and feel nourished. You can also decide to be fearful or self-protective. It's your option...


So...when we love, we create an experience inside...and we can make our love into a verb. In the end, the person most nourished will always be the person doing the loving.

A New Kind of Philanthropy

Many of you know that I'm the guy that asks you for donations.
Today, I'm going to ask you to make a different kind of donation.
Give to yourself!
Yes, my friend, it's time to make a charitable act and make a pledge to yourself.
And, I'm asking you to fultill your pledge before the end of the day.

So here's what I want - please commit one charitable act toward yourself before the end of the day.
What's it going to be? I could make many suggestions but I'd like you to think of it.
What would be a real charitable act you will give yourself today?

A new kind of Self-Studentship....can you dig it?
Clyde