Where are your beliefs taking you?

From Bears Barry Neil Kaufman: WHERE ARE YOUR BELIEFS TAKING YOU? Heaven bound? Or off the unhappiness cliff? Every belief has a destination. "The world is a scary place" leads me to frame what I see with fear. "Opportunities abound" leads to me to seek & see possibilities for myself/for those I love. "No one loves me" makes me emotionally homeless. "I love me" keeps me filled and safe. Where are you going with your beliefs????

Alison S. T.
Knowing that my beliefs are all my own creation has been my key learning that I have gained from coming to The Option Institute. Before then I believed that the world was a scary place, but I thought that was a fact - I didn't realise that ...I had just made that up. So knowing that I am totally making it up means that I might as well make it up in a way that is constructive - building towards my happiness. The curious thing is that changing that make up means that I see the same world but with new eyes - now more wondrous and magical than before.

Joan J.-v.
OH MY LORD I LOVE YOU GUYS...XXXX

Avak B.
Thank you Bears...love this post! I learnt many years ago that "beliefs are nothing but a feeling of certainty about what something means" and have developed and adopted empowering beliefs and let go of the disempowering ones for myself which makes me experience happiness daily very easily...most importantly though i know that beliefs can be changed in a heartbeat...:))

Rosemary R. J.
Thank you Bears. Why is it that people need to be reminded to see things from a positive perspective? Kind of like telling someone it takes less muscles to smile than it does to frown. I am one of those people who needs the constant reminder. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

Jenn M.
Good question! :o)

Ronda P.F.
This exact issue has come up several times this week... I've seen questions that lead to fear and unhappiness, and I've noticed the same questions asked without judgement can lead to amazing answers. Often when I'm asking myself a question that leads to fear and unhappiness, it's because I haven't really asked a question. I've made a judgement that happens to have a question mark at the end. Thanks for the reminder, Bears. As always, your tidbits inspire me to think more deeply and clearly...

Augustus D. J. II
wow, what a thread, so true, 'look for the good, find
God's blessing, look for evil, find God's curse'. that's in Proverbs somewhere,

Ariel K.
Soaring in the stratospere Bears!

A new belief: I always land on my feet.

I love doing gratitude. Gratitude is certainly one of the quickest pathways to happiness and the path of first choice for me. Recently as I was looking back over my life thru the lens of gratitude, I focused on situations in which I experienced mid-to-strong degrees of unhappiness. I’m talking depression, tears, victim hood, anxiety, rejection, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and self rejection. Yikes ... I almost forgot pain , sorrow, and low self esteem too.

I realized something. I realized that when all was said and done, I was not only fine but actually better because of those experiences. The “better-ness” was in response to what I did with the unhappiness. Whether making it into a beneficial learning for myself or full appreciating that the consequence of the unhappy experience was honoring of myself and who I want to be in the world. To make this awareness even grander, I see that each and every experience of unhappiness I have had, thru the lens of gratitude, becomes useful to me. Also of note, is my greater ability to not judge my experience initially. No judgement means no unhappiness. I am not quite 100% in my fulfillment of my intent not to judge, yet I am further ahead than I was.

From this I’ve created a new belief. A belief of trust, of strength, of ownership, of durability, of self love and one of acceptance. That new belief is that I always land on my feet. No wobble, no out of balance, squarely and smack dab on my feet. So whatever might happen, I know that I will always land on my feet. Yes, a take off on “everything happens for my benefit” with a different expression to it.

Broaden Your Mind --> Global Acceptance

FROM DAVID:

I sat on a cloud for a while, but I wanted more. So, I flew in the rings of Saturn, but that just gave me bigger ideas! Then I floated on the surface of a warm-and-bubbly water planet in the light of 3 moons as a flock of shimmering snake-birds slithered through the upper atmosphere. Sitting down to draw pictures with crayons is an opportunity to expand, imagine, go anywhere and do anything. It's a chance to broaden my mind, to play with my creativity and see what learning it brings in the form of a finished picture, alongside my child.

---

When I was first learning to play the violin, it all felt wrong. The chin rest dug into my neck too much. The bow never felt natural in my hand. Pushing down with my left hand fingers on the strings hard enough to make a clear tone hurt a little. Drawing a straight bow in the sweet spot between the bridge and fingerboard with my right arm was counterintuitive, especially coupled with the left hand's work. Still, with guidance and practice, frustration, tears leading to embarrassment, lesson after lesson after neuron wrap after neuron wrap, something amazing happened: I sounded good. Concert-violinist good. People called me "talented", "prodigy", and later, "genius". Hearing words like that felt wrong. Playing the violin well and the process to get there was just natural to me - I saw all the steps it took to get there. I worked hard, I had help, I learned - we can all do that when we want to. We can all ride through the learning curve and achieve wonderful things for ourselves! I didn't see myself as something special, but I did see the reactions to what I did as special, because people didn't celebrate me like that to me BEFORE I played the violin. This broadened my mind to see how people (including myself sometimes) limit themselves by saying "can't".

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An email from a volunteer in Eidan's Son-Rise Program that might have been addressed from angry_judgment@differentbeliefs.com left me stunned this week. Had I had an iPhone with a next-generation GPS app, I might have heard, "If you're looking for Trained Volunteer Road, you missed Observation AND Feedback." The content of the email was a tirade attempting to undermine how we have chosen to parent our children, painting negatively the things we do with both boys consciously and with our reasons -- I was rattled. Zooming out with my perspective of the situation, equipped with the tools I've gained from The Option Institue and Son-Rise Program, I began to see that I was completely confident about Eidan's Son-Rise Program and our parenting in general, that the judgments in the email did not find a match within my own beliefs, so they left like ants who find no food. I broadened my mind into the sphere of global acceptance, looked at my feelings and found that I was thrown because I fear conflict. And I fear conflict, because I haven't had a lot of great modeling in that area. I looked at the email again and looked for the purpose and intention behind it, which, despite the angry tone and pointed stabs, was authentic and well-intentioned. I decided to do love in my response, to find a way of approaching this as a conversation. Without engaging it as a conflict, but rather an exchange of ideas, I felt comfortable.

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The biggest party we'd ever thrown before this week, was our wedding, for about 30 people. Now we presented ourselves with a fund-raising event for 200 people, orchestrating everything from grocery shopping to food display, from clearing the event site of brush and thorns to stacking wood for a bonfire. With musicians (including Jennifer with her drum choir), horseshoes, a moon bounce, portable toilets - it was a mini-festival. On the day of the festival, there was still so much to do that we hit a groove. This groove was more about doing and keeping moving, and less about planning and thinking. I broadened my mind to transcend a feeling of panic. I continued putting my love into it, and started letting go at the same time. If the party rocked, it rocked - if it didn't, I wouldn't beat myself up about it! I would be happy to have done my best, to have aimed high. No worries!

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The Option Process has broadened my mind toward an attitude of global acceptance. Whatever happens and whatever they say, I can choose to be happy. Whatever I want to do, I can believe I can do it. Whatever I dream, I can hope that it will manifest. There is nothing we can't choose to accept, until we call it unacceptable. And we can use global acceptance to steer us through our individual challenges (which seem to come regularly and without fail) to opportunities and learnings that are useful to us.

Living Authentically

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman): When we live authentically, we never have to live in fear of being “found out.” We’re already congruent inside and out. Then, we get to be loved for who we are, not for who we pretend to be. Additionally, authenticity is like breathing fully; inauthenticity is holding back, hiding, suffocating. And yes, there are consequences to authenticity (honest interactions, people knowing who we are and choosing to be with us and not be with us). And yes, there are consequences to inauthenticity (isolation, fraud, fear). Neither is way is “the way.” We have choice and the choice to be authentic or inauthentic leads to very different destinations.

Love, Bears

Watching Your Back

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman): Friendships & Showing Up: Someone misrepresented a friend with a negative and inaccurate comment. Since my friend was absent, I stood up and give clear, supportive and accurate comments about my friend.

We sometimes call this "watching your back." Another person said that impulse is from fear. Actually, for me, it was/is an honor. Silence would be a form of agreement. Let's all stand up for those we love!

Love, Bears

Misunderstood? Judged? Maligned?

How often have you felt misunderstood or judged - and felt frustrated, hurt or defensive about what someone has said to you or about you? I hear it from people all the time. Especially in relationships, there is so much we either try our best to communicate to our partners, but still may not feel we've been heard or perhaps the other....
How often have you felt misunderstood or judged - and felt frustrated, hurt or defensive about what someone has said to you or about you? I hear it from people all the time. Especially in relationships, there is so much we either try our best to communicate to our partners, but still may not feel we've been heard or perhaps the other person maintains their original point of view that we believe is not true. When we work with couples in our CouplesCourse Program, this is a common area of discomfort. Essentially, the important point is that we cannot change another person or their perspectives unless they choose to change it. We can't make them believe what we believe. And the desire on our part may be for the other person to agree with us - and if they don't, WE MAY BELIEVE THAT'S BAD FOR US.


But what is the most productive, comfortable place for us to be in ourselves when this occurs?
1) Understand that we don't have the power to change anyone (our parents, our partners, our friends, and even our children) and if they DO change, (and we may have spent time explaining, sharing, pleading) they still decided to change themselves; we didn't make them change.
2) Use it as an opportunity to understand ourselves more, and supply to ourselves what we are looking to the other person to give us.
3) If it bothers us that we're misunderstood or judged, then it's important to explore that discomfort with questions like: "Why do I need this person to understand me or not judge me?" (May sound crazy, but it will probably relate to a way in which we are judging ourselves and looking to the other person to love/support us or be accepting of us - SO WE CAN ACCEPT AND LOVE OURSELVES.) Take a look. Could prove very eye-opening.
4) Know you don't have to defend yourself nor feel something is wrong with you if you're misunderstood, judged or maligned. It's really about THE OTHER PERSON and the perspective(s) they choose FOR THEIR REASONS, which has nothing to do with you; they do it for their reasons (to take care of themselves).
5) First get comfortable about what they're doing and how you're feeling - and then, if there's something to do to take care of yourself (e.g. try a different tact, talk to others about your perspective, brainstorm how you can use the situation to become a happier, more effective person, etc. - want us to help you through this, just contact us for an Option Process Dialogue), and comfortably go for it.

You don't want your happiness and trust of life to be dependent on what another person does. There will always be those who make choices that appear to be against what you want. If, however, we use each one toward the enhancement of ourselves, we win (no matter what they do). Take the high road and welcome these people into your life - because they are the ones from which you will most likely learn the most.

With my love,
Samahria

Power, Anger, Fear and Self-Acceptance

Power and Anger
What do they have in common?

How about this: A person driven by Power or a person driven by Anger really have
this in common - they are both coming from Fear.

But if we are Accepting ourselves and recognizing that we are always doing the best we
can based on the current beliefs we hold, then there is no room for Fear.

What do you think?

Clyde

Retaining Fear in a benevolent universe?

A wise man once said "Be in the world what you want to see in the world!". So why then do I still do fear? My life is littered with it, I squash one element and another pops up.

Here is a classic example, I was so excited at receiving an invite to the Option blog, yet it took me days to finally write a piece not because I have noting to say, but because I am fearful that I may write something stupid and be judged on my intellect. As I type this I realise the only one who is judging me is me...then does that mean I am I afraid of myself?... perhaps I am using fear as a motivator to make this piece good!

I use fear in so many more parts of my life e.g. I may not be successful enough, my kids might not be nourished enough, I might get hungry if I don't eat now (even when I am not hungry), my latest one most fun ones, Swine flu! I woke up one morning at 3am with no room for any other thought, my brain was awash with facts from the last pandemic and my husbands logistics, the fact I may not be able to come to Option in July for my next course, our mortality, etc, etc. Late that afternoon after having a good ramble on Bears's Facebook I realised this fear just as all the others are firmly embedded in the future. However, if you believe the universe is benevolent then there is no room for fear, if I am present there is no room for fear.

I have examined, dialogued and dissected fear from my past, every time I go from believing it is useful to me, to it is not useful for one of three reasons:-
1) Fear slows me down, it makes me ineffective and really miserable.
2) I can do the thing I want to change without "worrying" about it, and just because I am not worrying about it doesn't mean I don't care about it, or equally that I won't do anything about it if I am not worrying.
3) What is it that I want for myself, the answer is most often inner peace. So then I use one of my favorite learnings from Calm Amid Chaos, the universe is benevolent and so whatever is going to happen is going to be good for me or my loved ones, I may not understand how right now but I don't have to.

Whilst all the fear in my life is completely logical and possible, the question is, "what is it that I want in my life and the world beyond me?" The answer is easy, peace, love and happiness so my focus from now on is to do what I want to see, not on what might be.

Love,
Rekha.

Self-Judgments Undermine Love

FROM SAMAHRIA: You know how easy it seems to be to go right to judging yourself ...? ("I should have ...", "Oh, that was so stupid of me.", "I'm just not 'X' enough.") That's because we keep thinking if we judge ourselves big enough, we'll get it. We'll change. That's like being an abuser to yourself - and pray you'll get yourself to improve... be more loving, be smarter, be more savvy, be a better partner picker, stand up for yourself ... etc. - as if we're not doing the best we can... as if we're bad.

What would happen if we just spoke kindly to ourselves, without any judgments? "I'd like to get better at 'X'," "I'm doing the best I can ... and this is okay," "I'm just going to keep going for more," and "I can love myself even as I try for self improvement."


Under every unhappiness we feel is a judgment aimed at actually attempting to get to happiness. We could take a more direct road and go right to being loving of ourselves, even if (and especially when) we think we've come up short of our ultimate goals.


Love yourself first - then ask yourself what you want. We could see life challenges as there to help us get more of what we want rather than as detractors and blockers... even when we can't see yet how these challenges are going to serve us.


For me, it's my life's work... learning to open to all of me - without judgment or fear. It's the only way to manifest love.


Samahria

Fear and Safety

A recent participant in our programs talked about "staying afraid to stay safe."
If we scare ourselves enough about something that we tell ourselves we really want to do
then, of course, we prevent ourselves from doing it. Why do we scare ourselves?
Because, what if we fail. That's bad (that's the belief fueling the fear). So, it's better
to be safe and continue to use fear...then we never have to put ourselves to the test.
Ultimately, then, we can say that we really don't want to do it, because we don't want to risk
failure.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Living a life of quiet desperation?"

Do you stay afraid to stay safe? Do you live "better safe than sorry?"
Do you have a passion that you don't pursue because you want to stay safe?

If you want to break through that self-limiting straight jacket, let's talk about it.

Clyde