From Bears: Purpose of Judgments

The purpose of judgments: to motivate, to make our position stronger, to create unhappiness. During a Wide Awake program at The Option Institute, our class explored that judgments of ourselves is our way to not deal with our unhappiness and to not change. Because what we judge, we push away...and what we accept we also befriend and give ourselves an opportunity to understand and change. Love & smiles, Bears

Comments:

Trish H. - Judgement as a way NOT to change! Wow! I bet the common belief is that judging ourselves is meant to motive us to change. At least, my gut tells me that was my belief.

BradandLaura H. - what a perfectly timed statement. Thank you Bears for sharing that xxx

Lynn R.P. - Yes, I have used judgment of myself for decades as a way to not deal with unhappiness and not to change. I've said I wanted to change but always had a reason not to. Still exploring this concept and choosing to run towards my unhappiness and judgments.

Judy B. - Wow, Oooh! Fits with a lot of what I've been exploring about. So helpful to notice the judgements.

Ray R. - Optimal Self-Trust tought me to observe and not judge, even myself,big for me!

Winden R. - Whoever said that is one SMART cookie! xoxo

Shaun K.- judgment ˈjəjmənt ˈdʒədʒmənt ˈdʒʌdʒm(ə)nt (also judgement) noun 1 the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions : an error of judgment that is not, in my judgment, the end of the matter.

Peter Alfred V. L. - The world is so interesting. It seems like we either attract or reject, expand or schrink, progress or regress and a milion other things of duality. Imagine if the attutude and judgements is just another form of the duality, then we can know that we somehow attract, expand or progress when we are in the attitude and reject, schrink or regress when we judge...That would make things a lot easier. Thanks for the insight, guys :-) Love and light - Ethan ♥

Larry F. - Today, I learned that by flipping this statement around - to be in a happy and joyful place regardless of the experience that is happening in the moment - puts me in a place to be able to change anything and everything. It is ...my path to true freedom... Today was the best day of my life, as I got to experience this freedom first hand - staying in my loving and joyful state regardless of what others were saying about me or how they were perceiving me. I accomplished my biggest goal - and passed my greatest test - with flying colors!!! Thanks to all those who judged me today! That was the most loving thing you could ever have done. I am now free to change whatever I choose.... YESSSS!!!!

Pessy G. - I hold a belief that "happiness breaks boundaries". It's wonderful to read everything that is being shared. Thanks to you all! Although I don't know you in person, I know you in spirit, and I am truly grateful to share our world together. Can't wait until Fearless! YES!!!

Paula Ann S. - The hilarious challenge is not judging yourself for judging in the first place....the vicious cycle.....haaaaaa

Alison S. T. - Dear Bears, how did you know I would want to hear about judgements today. I am feeling judged - which of course means that I am hearing someone elses comment and then judging myself. So in keeping with the theme of this week, I am going to love that I am someone who judges herself and then try to find out what it is that I am trying to not deal with and change. Thanks for the extra love!!!

Karenza C. - my goodness, i was just washing my dishes thinking about judgements and thinking how wonderful it would be to accept myself as i am!!! thank you bears xxxx

Donna V. A. - My AHA moment of the day! Thank you.

Julie A. - i needed to hear that.

Denise S. - Wow..so amazing to hear to really help ourselves be self-aware, then to not judge ourselves or others, which is something I have been really struggling with lately..now for the self-understanding phase I'm ready to jump in & figure it out!! I love that concept of it motivates us, now to figure out why it seems to motivate us not to change??

Bears Barry Neil Kaufman - Blown away and delighted by the people who responded and contributed their insights to the posting of "purpose of judgments." I am very enriched and nourish by all your sharing. What we teach at The Option Institute and through the books I have written forms the basis of ideas that not only train folks how to choose happiness and love but also provides one possible formula (acceptance, dropping judgments) that could meaningful enhance inner peace, interpersonal peace, world peace. Isn't it great to think and dream big? We only can go as high and as wide as our biggest thoughts. Think big, dream big, act as if what we dream is possible. Then the world adjusts to our presence and begins to change. Love and gratitude, Bears

FROM BEARS: Third Post for Tonight

THIRD POST FOR TONIGHT: check out the two others below! Amy/Bobbie brought quotes from some of my classes:

1. "This isn't happening to me, I'm doing it."


2. "There are no wrong moves."


3. "All road lead to happiness" - no kidding!


4. "Gifts are not entitlements (this is the death of gratitude).


5. "Anger is a request... for power from someone feeling powerless."
   
   

Paul S.
‎"Being genuinely happy for someone else's success is a beautifully rare gift"

Jackline W.
The 5th one is a point to ponder on... thank you Bears. I'm going to reconstruct my past with this.

Yvette R.
Ok, so not a quote from you but one I love nonetheless - "I am the Love I seek!!"

Jen M. J.
I love #5!!!!!!! They are all GREAT!!!!!

Donny H.
BUT BUT BUT!!! WHAT ABOUT..... um... yeah great quotes. I would have disagreed strongly even a year ago with all but number 4. So much is behind each statement. Easy to misinterpret for anyone new to Option. Seems like I read a book about these things somewhere... Oh yeah! "Happiness is a Choice." LOVE YOU BEARS!

Sunil W.
I am living in your classes though i am far away,,, happy to share on #5, ""Anger is a request for power from someone feeling powerless."

Alison S. T.
I love Jackline's thought about reconstructing the past in the light of anger being a request for power. It's weird that adults get angry with tiny children and feel powerless when faced with a two year old. I remember people being angry with me when I was that small but never before thinking that they felt powerless in their interaction with me, add in the violence to their anger and wow, I must have been some two year old for them to feel that powerless : )

Simone D. L. T.
Thank you for the amazing gift of these sentences! xx

From Angela: Son-Rise Wide Awake Thursday: What I Found Because I Lost It

From Angela: I woke up early on the Thursday morning of Son-Rise Wide Awake thinking about why I'd had such a hard time keep the mentor's attitude during Dialogue class. My task was to focus on one aspect of the attitude, being present, loving, or non-judgmental. Of those aspects, being loving is usually the easiest but I hadn't been able to do it. I woke up knowing the source of my difficulty--giving love conditionally instead of freely.

I resisted the thought at first--I give love unconditionally all the time, don't I? At least to some people. Except there was That Person in particular who wasn't going to get love until they started loving and accepting me first. I walked into class Thursday morning considering the possibility that intentionally witholding love from someone else could be the reason that I felt lonely and isolated. What if that was the reason I couldn't find the mentor attitude when I wanted it? Because I'd been conditioning my love on others loving me first?

For years I believed that I felt lonely because someone didn't love me first. It hit me during class that I created the loneliness because I didn't love first. Holding back, I put up a wall keeping my love in. Finally, I built so many walls that I created a maze. I slipped out of the back of class and turned my cell phone one. Rather than winding through the maze trying to find the love at the center, I would see if I could find the love by knocking down a wall.

(to be continued)

Son-Rise Wide Awake 2009: Wednesday--Change

From Angie Hooper: Sometimes, you just have to get back to the fundamentals. Two remarkable learnings from class today changed the way I see the Option Process. Rather than an emergency response to a crisis, I see now it is a way to live hopefully and as a co-creator of my life.

The first remarkable thing that happened, Barry Neil ("Bears") Kaufman said in class this morning that it's helpful to have an intention to change something when we do Dialogues. That's backwards from how I have been approaching Dialogues. Usually, I spend some time before a Dialogue thinking about the subject that I want to explore. Maybe, it would be more useful to think about the change I want to make. After all, I can uncover almost any belief that I have my looking deeply into a single reaction (like, what I choose for lunch) rather than across an issue (like, why do I feel lonely). Maybe that's why I'm finding so many opportunities to change during this program--I set my intention to change something before I arrived.

The second remarkable thing that happened was thinking about whether I was afraid to "run out" of opportunities to Dialogue. In other words, if I change all my limiting beliefs and how I see things in an unhappy way, then what? I don't get to Dialogue anymore? Bears spoke in class about how I could use the Dialogue as a way to discover how to create more happiness instead of a way to get out from under unhappiness. Rather than exploring why this person's actions or that person's judgment "makes" me unhappy, I could (even now) explore what beliefs I want to create that would help me be a more loving spouse, more fun in Eric's Son-Rise Program playroom, a more present lawyer, how to love more.

The key is for me to remember that (if I'm unhappy) that I'm making myself unhappy, which not only takes away my self-righteousness, but provides the doorway to change.

Son-Rise Wide Awake Tuesday (Morning): "Beautiful"

I walked into class Tuesday morning loaded for bear (if you'll pardon the expression). During my run on the elliptical earlier that morning, I thought about Beverly Haberman's words to me after the Dialogue training class on Monday evening: if you're struggling in class, raise your hand. Tell somebody. Ask for help. I was still annoyed about thoughts others had offered the day before in class, assumptions that seemed patently off the mark. So, when Barry Neil ("Bears") Kaufman walked in and asked us all, "How are you?" I put my hand up.

Not a tentative gesture to indicate a thought forming, not a happy wave, I put my hand up the way a cavalry captain signals a charge. "Actually," I said, "I'm feeling angry and judged, and as a matter of fact, woke up at 5 a.m. feeling angry. I actually woke myself up early so that I would have extra time to be angry before class." Bears smiled and led me through a Dialogue to identify who, in particular, made an assumption about me that I didn't like. "She said that I only did things to get approval from other people," I pointed at one of my fellow participants. "And that was only, like, 20% right."

"So," Bears smiled sweetly, "She was right." Long pause from me. Dang it, yes, she was right. He continued with same sweetness of spirit, "What do you think about the idea that people are going to judge you and make assumptions, and you could decide to be happy and comfortable in the face of those judgments?" Another long pause from me, and then tears started as I imagined that possibility. To be solid in my convictions regardless of the approval of others, regardless of contrary opinions or indifference, seemed like a luxury.

If my theme song for Monday was "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter, the theme song for Tuesday morning was "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera.

(to be continued)

Son-rise Wide Awake Tuesday (Afternoon): Gratitude

Class blasted off all around me after lunch. I watched other participants clapping and dancing, getting really excited before class and anticipating the arrival of Barry Neil ("Bears") Kaufman. I stayed on the fringe, waiting and thinking about the morning when Bears had said, "What do you think about the idea that people might judge you, and you could still be happy and comfortable?" As soon as class started, another participant shared that she had brought a gift for one of the staff, but then hesitated before giving it, worried that her gift wasn't good enough.

I raised my hand and said, "At least you brought your gift. I chickened out and never even put mine in the suitcase." I had wanted to bring a gift of one of Eric's paintings for Son-Rise Teacher Carolina Kaiser, who has been part of Eric's Son-Rise Program from the beginning, and at the last minute left it on the dining table at home. That's when Bears took my hand and invited me to sit in front of the class.

"Who in the room is most like Carolina?" he asked. I chose someone who had been particularly kind and encouraging. "Now, tell her what you would say to Carolina."

I told the Carolina-stand-in what a great help she has been and how much I loved her. Then, the second part of the assignment: "Now choose someone you feel the least like Carolina and express your gratitude to that person." UGHHHH--now I had to tell someone that they're the least like someone I just got done saying was great. So I chose someone, closed my eyes, and looked for the gratitude. When I opened my eyes, the words poured out. Not words created to complete the assignment, but bubbling up from a gratitude spring that I didn't know I had. It was like believing I was caught up in a tornado and then realizing I'd landed in Oz.

(to be continued…)

Son-Rise Wide Awake Monday: strolling the Via Negativa

A personal record, Barry Neil ("Bears") Kaufman had the microphone in front of me a mere 36 minutes into the program. The fastest I've ever gotten to the core reason for being at a program. I admitted to being hiding, not fully committed to my life. That was why I was still eating junk food (among other things that aren't good for my body): a slow death by chocolate. I considered the gift of being alive,

and that every moment could be savored instead of feared. And then I stopped that train of thought and started to pout.

After 6 or 8 fellow participants shared variations on the same theme of "you're just doing X to get approval from Y instead of changing the belief" I shut down my brain. I decided that anyone who had a comment was just telling about themselves, and it was not anything to do with me. Even though some of them were, well, kinda on target. Each was sharing back to me the essence of the question that I'd come to examine, but I wanted the answer to be outside of myself.

I was so annoyed that I woke myself up early Tuesday at 5:30 a.m. so I'd have extra time to be annoyed. I grabbed my running shoes and headed straight for the exercise equipment. "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter came up on my iPod playlist, and I started sniffling and crying on the elliptical. Then I remembered that this was the reason I came and that there was a way to be comfortable and happy, if only I could figure out which belief I was uncovering.

(To be continued…)

Son-Rise Wide Awake, Sunday: Intention

The alarm clock rang early so we could meet the taxi. Our flight to Hartford was scheduled to leave at 6:30 a.m., and from there a scenic drive to the campus of The Option Institute for a week-long Son-Rise Wide Awake program, which is similar to Wide Awake, but made up of Son-Rise parents and volunteers. I could feel my resolve gathering as I threw my makeup bag into the suitcase and zipped it up. I had a question, and I was going to get an answer.

I had been working on this particular question since my prior visit to The Option Institute, which was, "Why is the approval of other people more important to me than my own happiness?" As I wondered and worried on the question over a few months, it changed slightly to be, "Why is the approval of other people more important to me than my own authenticity?" At least in theory, I could be inauthentic and choose to be happy about my inauthenticity. I'd been doing that off and on for years, but it wasn't creating the life I wanted. I packed my question for the trip along with my toothbrush, but decided that once I walked out of my front door, the question was not getting back into my house. I might drag my question all the way to Sheffield, MA, but I was not leaving without an answer.

The Purpose of Judgments

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman): The purpose of judgments: to motivate, to make our position stronger, to create unhappiness.

In our Wide Awake program at The Option Institute, our class explored that judgments of ourselves is our way to not deal with our unhappiness and to not change. Because what we judge, we push away...and what we accept we also befriend and give ourselves an opportunity to understand and change.

Love & smiles, Bears

Better Than My Best Dream

Wide Awake....here we come. The best and the brightest (at least some of them)...we jump off the cliff together, holding hands, lots of love and daring, top level graduate program which I so totally adore!!! It always feels like an delicious honor to teach every class, off-curriculum, high flame, while in the presence of so many committed Option Institute graduate students who have been and continue to use the Option Process as wondrous vehicle to propel them to the top of their mountain (by living their best dreams, not simply dreaming it). Some of you who will read this are in the program; for all others, this is the bar to hit. Imagine, no problem too big that can't be resolved, no unhappiness too resistant that can't be tamed, no mystery too immense that can't be embraced. Decades ago, when I started teaching and, with Samahria, creating the Option Institute, this was something that I had dreamed about -- like-minded people, who would create a community of vision and commitment -- to hold hands together and explore, to keep growing and wanting to live WIDE AWAKE. And now, this class, these students -- well even better than any dreamed I dreamed 27 years ago when we began the Institute. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Love and gratitude, Bears