From Bears: Be flexible

Flexibility and buildings: Years ago, we built buildings out of the hardest materials to be strong and withstand environmental challenges - like earthquakes. They fell down anyway. Today, we build buildings to be flexible...to sway, to move, even put some of them on rollers. The lesson: when we're bridle, we break -- when we're flexible, we move with the wind and the currents. We survive/we thrive. Be flexible.

Be like the wings of an aircraft. Movement is a sign of life. Rigidity is the echo of death. The universe celebrates itself through constant change -- nothing is set (that's only an illusion). Everything flexes -- everything moves. We can be intentional and design/redesign ourselves for the greatest capability to the flexible and to move. Love and smiles, Bears (Co-Founder/Option Institute)

Comments:

Barbara Beckmeyer - My mother used to say the gift of patience is patience..it like that with being flexible. The more flexible I become the more options I see in every situation..Thank you for teaching me about the Intelligrid and sharing such wonderful tools for living my wonderful, yummy life!

Tim Smith - Love the comment. It is mind yoga, good for the body too. :) :-) :) :)

Karie Bourke - Earlier today I was looking to see if you had posted anything new, Bears, and now here we go! Just what I needed, thanks :)

Akiko Hara - "Comment" / "Like" .... Where is the "Love" icon? I love it!

Frank Seidel - Inspired flexibility is my new mantra. I am a free spirit on fire! Thank you for a wonderful week with such extraordinary men!

Alison Sharpe Taylor - So often in my past the guidance I have been given by those around me has been in the form of what not to do - don't drink, don't smoke, don't sleep around etc, the result of that was I still had no idea what to actually do, and because my ...'advisors' were so fervent in their desire to teach me about how bad I could be if I made these wrong choices that I became afraid to think things out for myself because surely I would just mess it up. I think that a whole lot of rules of what not to do leads to us being rigid and brittle, because we become afraid to move in case we get it wrong.

Knowing that I am my own expert and that I have my own answers means that bit by bit my thinking is becoming more flexible and I am beginning to believe that I could make choices for myself that would be nourishing rather than destructive.

I am so hugely grateful to you Bears and the staff of the Option Institute for showing me this.

Best love

Tauska Trusaun - This speaks so directly to my core. Thank you Bears. I loved it so much that I shared it on my page. I hope it is ok.

Judy Meyers - I love the sayings go with the flow and accept what is! They have helped me be so much more flexible! I am still working on resisting some things and when I do I tense up. This weekend for example I went home to visit family and I was pl...aying my long time role of peacemaker and harmonier. I tried to calm down my family members engaged in drama, chaos, and conflict. After the weekend my neck was so stiff from the resistance and tension. I realized I have to go with the flow and accept what is and if I don't like it, I can go for a walk or drive, etc. I don't have to stay in it. I also can choose to observe and not get involved. There are many choices and I can choose differently from my past and give up old roles that no longer serve me. Thank you, Love Judy

Lorna Miller - I wrote a blog post about just this! Go to http://www.miracleforross.com/ to read it! It's called "Just Float." Thanks Bears!

From Bears: Loving and Understand man

Extraordinary Man Program: All of us together for days, so much warmth, so much deep sharing, so much expressed authenticity and tenderness. A brother tells his brother during the program that he loves him for the first time in 60 years. A 18 yr.old hugs another man for the first time. A father and son talk about disappointment and anger in their relationship. Men moving toward each other. With open hearts.

During the morning session one time, a man in the group said that if men came together like we are all coming together here at the Option Institute this week, there would be no more war. We looked at man-brands: Strong Man brand, Stoic... Man brand, My Way or The Highway Man brand, Scared Man brand, Answer Man brand. Toward the end, one person said they were ready to change their Man brand (that was one of the purposes of the class) from Tough Man brand to Loving and Understanding Man brand. How awesome.

Love, Bears

Comments:

Gina P. N. - Bears: a man who was born to change people lives

Option Institute: place to learn how to open your eyes =)


Tara M. - I am LOVIN that you guys have a program for men! I hope to send both my sons one day, after we take the Happiness weekend together first :D<

Nicole M. S. - As a wife of one of the extraordinary men coming together in this program, I am just filled with gratitude for you and everyone at The Option Institute! Much love and hugs to you all!!!!!!!!


Judy M. - It sounds absolutely wonderful! Much love to all of you!

Nicole M. S. - PS. Thank you for giving us a peak into the exploration that is happening this week!

Nancy B. H. - give my sweet chad a hug from Nancy, he has grown and shifted before my eyes. is this the boy that was once kicked out of option? yes, and better for it. that moment changed my life. everything seemed to hang in the balance. who knew he would be like a son to me 8 years later. he is a perfect example of an extraordinary man.

Christopher . - What an awesome program! I was one of the Extraordinary Men last year, and always will be. There is nothing more manly than this. Thank you Bears, Clyde, Stan, Raun and the staff for my wonderful gift.

Alison S. T. - I wanted to be a fly on the wall in the Summit house this week as I was curious to know what you guys were going to talk about. Now my wish has come true : ) . How awesome that men are deciding to change and define themselves as loving and ...understanding. After Friday - the ripple effect where those changes will impact the lives of all the people those men meet hereafter.

I love the fact that there is always someone I know and love at Option now taking a program - building a community to make a better world.See More.

David N. - I wish I could have stayed on an extra week to do this as well. I will definitely be there at some point though.

Rekha N. - I am with you Alison, wouldn't it be fab to see. Can't wait to see my new brother on Saturday! Thanks Bears.xxx

Gail B. F. - Bears I am so thankful for the Option Institute. What I have learned there has totally transformed my life in so many crucial ways. I can truly say that I have a happy life and wonderful marriage. That in itself is priceless. I am so wanting Jim to do Extraordinary Man next year! Love to you and Samarhia.

Kim W. - Rekha, your new brother is extraordinary! It was so fun to meet him and share a mini-dialog with him.

From Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman): Ownership of beliefs

Your life: A suit off the rack, a suit made to your measurements or a totally custom-designed suit of your own design. We often create our life based on the beliefs, values and shoulds of others (a mixture of random beliefs "off the rack"). What about today...we clear the rack and think of one belief that we like and want to live by? We feel weird in our skin because someone else provided the glue

Many current belief systems have been randomly designed…a mishmash of beliefs we adopted and empowered from well-intended people (our parents, our ministers, our teachers, our political leaders, even our economists). Blessings that everyone wanted to help us…but we can now take ownership…clear the slate and start creating our own system. For me, four rock-solid beliefs: 1) Happiness Is A Choice (also, one of my books -- smiles), 2) Unhappiness is also a choice (100% of the time), 3) I can change any and every part of me if I want and work on it and 4) the universe is benevolent (when I judge it, it means I just don’t understand).

Love, Bears!

Comments:

Ola-A. K. - Beautiful thoughts.... thought provoking too!

Denise M.F. - i so want that designer dress..of my own design. i love the analogy!

jeannie R..- Bears, I also love how all these Option concepts have a parallel for doing Son-Rise with my child! For me, designing my child's autism treatment like a totally custom-designed suit has been a key factor in joyfully moving gigantic leaps and bounds toward recovery (as opposed to being stuck, frustrated and scared). Plus, custom-designing my own life has allowed me to open up so many wonderful possibilities that I didn't even imagine existed previously. Fabulous and amazing! Love, J.

Judy M. - I am clearly seeing that other people's limiting beliefs are their judgments and stuff projected on to us. All my life, I believed those people were right and I was wrong and I judged myself and felt bad about myself. Now I am learning that it is just their stuff and not mine (unless it triggers me and I want to learn from it). I am learning what other people think or say about me is none of my business. It is their stuff and their beliefs. I am also learning that my past is a gift (even though I believed it was painful) and I can stop judging it and myself and set myself free! Thank you, Love, Judy

Melanie M. S. - I agree...and love all of your books! I enjoy trying every moment to choose happiness in my daily life. The Option Process has been a great experience in our lives...we enjoy sharing this with others especially our Son-Rise volunteers!

Pat P.- I feel The Option Process has given me the option to look into my closet, and keep or get rid of the cloths at will, ...oh look their is a sewing room attached to this closet (didn't know that was their before option). Now I can make and design my own cloths. Looking Good! Or...maybe I will go with the birthday suit :)

Sean F - Nice one Bears!

Alison S.T. - Dear Bears, Thank you for breaking down your ideas into chunk sizes that are easily digestible for me. I love your four beliefs, the idea that we can clear the rack and then design the suit that we want - I want that for me. I have noticed ...that suits that are custom designed last longer than the ones bought off the peg, I guess they wear out more quickly because they don't wear well because they don't actually fit properly. A custom designed suit would be a timeless piece too because there would be no requirement to conform to the idea of fashion as I am making it only for me.
Love hugs and smiles,Alison

Deborah G. - I did a body tracing as part of an art project once and wanted to see what it became...I was stuck on my Master's thesis...it became a beautiful angel, with paper streamer wings and glittery hair...I should do this again, sometime....

Greg F. - You're very good with analogies, Bears!

From Bears: Change is continuous

This came up in our Calm Amid Chaos Program: One major thesis of the "Intellgrid" which we designed as an "intelligent" grid through which to view the world (events/people/ourselves) around us is: change is continuous. The stars, mountains, rivers, our bodies, our beliefs - the universe celebrates itself through change. Resisting change is resisting the celebration. Dive in/do your best and then let go.

We have only this moment, then the next, then the next. Our lives are not like still digital photographs but constantly fluid like fast-moving video. What appears permanent in one moment is gone the next. When we hold on tight to this situation, this relationship, this job, this state of health, when it changes, instead of changing easily with the change (seizing the opportunity of that moment), we tend to hold on tight (for dear life) – and we become brittle and break. Instead of welcoming the new landscape with flexibility and ease, we mourn the past which isn’t – any longer – because the next moment, the next situation, the next relationship, the next job, the next new state of health or illness is already here. Raindrops become oceans. Mountains become valleys. Ever- changing is the beauty of our nature, of nature, of the universe around us. Our job is not only to swim in the river but be the river. Love Bears



Comments:

Gördis S.-S. - How true that rings to me.

Lise B. - wow , that is exactly what been on my mind for the last few weeks..got to go foward, no matter what, we can`t go back in the past,not even for a second....

Lise B. - thank you bears, you said what i wanted to say....

Seliger R. - Become part of the river of life

Eva P.- That reminds me of a poem i once wrote. If i can find it i can post it on here...x x x No point in dwelling in what is the past....coz then we wont be taking in the joys of life in the present. And every cloud has a silver lining. I think w...e should try 2 c the positives in everything. For if there is not change, then life would be very boring. We would not have a story 2 tell or a lesson that woz learnt. We would not grow. Nd i find that if we really thought about it, wot we found rele gd in one point in our lives, if we got it bck again we would find that it is no longer gd 4 us. Coz not only has the world, happenings, and situations changed around us, we, without always realising, change also.

Jeannie R. - Bears, this is sooo perfect for me right now! I have been doing some holding on with some of my relationships lately, and was indeed starting to break. I have always loved the concept of the river, but I was swimming in the river. Now I have decided to BE the river, as you suggested. Wow!! I have transformed a lot along the way with Option and Son-Rise, and it's so wonderful that I've just completely transfromed yet again with your loving guidance--and in an instant too! Thank you!!!!! Namaste, Jeannie

Eva P. - Found the poem, but for some reason will not let me post it. But the last lines are as follows; yesterday looks blankley on, but does not say a word, as yesterday is clever, and knows that today is blind, as today is already on top of the future. The poem is called Yesterday's Wise Silence

Melissa W. - Simmons I appreciate this idea. Thanks you, bears.

Judy M. - I find that when I resist what is, I have a hard time or get stuck. I like to go with the flow so much more. It is so much easier to go with the current then to try to swim upstream.

Jody I. - "If everything always stayed the same there would be no butterflies."

Kristen V. - Thank you! This is exactly what I needed!

Vince H.- Practicing accepting "what is" looks like a pursuit that is going to last a life time...its soooooo much easier said than done. The reward for me is that when I do, do it, I experience a much greater abundance of peace and joy in my life.

Jennifer R. B. - I am doing my best & letting go at the same time

From Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman): Does it matter?

Breakfast Discussion: Does it matter? Does it matter that you achieve what you wanted to achieve, get recognition for your accomplishments and be approved of by others? Would it be sweet? Sure. Does it matter? Ah, that's up for grabs. What... I believe matters is how you did what you did. With love? With sincerity? With authenticity? With kindness? Applause comes from the outside, divinity is within.

More on “does it matter?” If you want recognition and applause, go to the mirror and give yourself a standing ovation. That you matter to you, that you approve of you, that you know your own caring and decency…ah, that’s the ballgame. And if you’re not quite ready to do that because you want to change parts of yourself…do it anyway as you work on yourself. Happiness and love as a choice right now is the path to happiness and love – not judgment or self-condemnation. Go ahead, check yourself out in the mirror, give yourself a big smile and lots of love.

Love, Bears

Comments:

Cynthia H. - Something about "who you become in the process".....

Penya S. - i'm working on this -- thanks for the reminder!

Tomohawk Paul M. - Hmm very provocative, I'm getting better at accepting that what I want to do is not for the entertainment or needed to be evaluated by others. It's my life!

Donna D. - So true!!! Thanks for the reminder.

Judith E.- I love this, Bears! Surely one of the keys to happiness is being totally true to oneself, congruent with what lies within, building on the strength that comes with absolute authenticity. I'm going to quote you too!

Alison S. T. - Hmmm applauding ourselves as opposed to looking for it or needing it from other people. For me it comes down to knowing my value as a person, do I decide that myself, or do I look to everyone around me to decide it. Working with the idea that I create the beliefs that fuel my responses means that essentially I define and decide my value by making it up. So if I look in the mirror and judge what I see then that's down to me - or if in my case I don't even own a mirror then that is my choice, changing that means finding out why I want to make it up that way rather than making it up in a way that is loving and nourishing of myself.
'Divinity is within' how cool to think that there is something within us that is an image of God, reminds me of the poem by Hafiz 'now is the time to know that everything you do is sacred' So if we were to give ourselves the standing ovation in the mirror we would be celebrating ourselves and our walk with God. Thanks for this thought.

Tim S.- The Kingdom of heaven is within you

Isabel R. - thank u a lot for the remind of how sincere we have to be with ourselve......

Ellen Y. S. - Thank you Bears, that ws helpful to read this morning. Divinity is within.

Christine C. M. - I love it. Internally I think we all know it. It's like the saying that "your character is revealed when you do things when know one is watching" This was really good to read this morning

Emanoele F. - i think , when i do with love, i am more happy, the approve of my family always was important for me, and make me change many things in myself, but be yourself no matter in front or behind it´s the right way to live.

Rekha Neilson - Wow, it is full on at breakfast at your Bears! We did come up with a great story at tea time though. Serena asked me to improvise a story so I came up with Tommy the tantruming tomato went to calm land.

It was fab, we had two endings one where he relaxed into calm land and realised the tantruming wasn't something the people of calm land understood. The second was he exploded in the post office, everyone in calm land went home happy and had tomato soup! Can you give Dave a huge hug from me I really miss him. Love, Rekha.x

From Bears: Authenticity is a choice

AUTHENTICITY, NOT PEOPLE-PLEASING, BUILDS CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS AND SAFETY. We have been taught to say what people want to hear, to mask our true selves and to focus on who we should be rather than being who we sincerely are. Actually, the key to creating loving and nourishing relationships is say what we really think and feel (hopefully, with kindness)...and be ourselves 100%. Solid/sincere/safe relationships!

When we live authentically, we never have to live in fear of being “found out.” We’re already congruent inside and out. Then, we get to be loved for who we are, not for who we pretend to be. Additionally, authenticity is like breathing fully; inauthenticity is holding back, hiding, suffocating. And yes, there are consequences to authenticity (honest interactions, people knowing who we are and choosing to be with us and not be with us). And yes, there are consequences to inauthenticity (isolation, fraud, fear). Neither is way is “the way.” We have choice and the choice to be authentic or inauthentic leads to very different destinations. Love, Bears

Comments:

Ryan P.- I needed to read this. Very refreshing. Thank you!

Billy D. - I enjoy your posts immensely. :0) Even if i don't always comment, i read them all. Take care of yourself, Love Billy and family x x x x

Genell B. P. - Ahhh...Radical Authenticity was my favorite class!!!! It is the only way to fly! xoxoxoxoox Freedom! xoxoxooxox Thank You! xoxoxoxooxox :)

John J S. - ABSOLUTELY!!! Thank you so very much Bears. Best always!

Paige P. - Hi Bears-thank you for posting these comments. The way each comment was phrased really helped me fully understand the meaning of authenticity and in authenticity. I am excited and ready for this week. I am completely open and willing to listen without defense. This class is going to be amazing even though someone my spot a part of me that I never wanted to look at before. It is only an opportunity to benefit from and look deeper inside. I will show up completely present and I am definitely bringing my inner-strength diary. I can't tell you enough how much the Option Process has changed my life. I am so glad I made the choice to spend my summer vacation taking classes here. I love you, Bears-see you in the morning.

Nico P.- Dear Paige, way to go! I'm so happy to see you shine, share, and love yourself. I am hugging you all the way from California. Have a fabulous week! LOVE, Nico

Kelli P.- Bears... exactly the journey I am on. Where does "people pleasing" vs. "being authentic" create distance in my relationships... and not a coincidence that I am re-reading "Happiness is a Choice" and happen to be in that section when you posted this :). Thank you for the inquiry, the ride, and the love and support along the way.

Alison S. T. - I'm not sure I understand quite what being authentic actually means. Does it mean that we have no secrets, nothing that we keep from other people? Are we therefore to be an open book about every detail of our lives? What about things that we have no choice about keeping to ourselves, how do we deal with that without isolating ourselves and feeling like we are hiding?

Rekha N. - Love it, love you Paige, love you Nico, love you Alison, love you Billy and of course love you Bears.xxx

Larry B. - Alison, what do you mean by isolating, when you are authentically behaving and reflecting who you are and what you are really about? I believe the topic refers to be a) true to a useful purpose, (like why we're here, alive) and not deceptive to ourselves about what we're choosing to do to ourselves, and not deceiving ourselves pretending that externals 'make' us feel the way we do. Hugs

Alison S. T. - Thanks for your answer Larry, I'm still not sure I understand, are you saying that authenticity is about our relationship with ourselves - I know who I am - or is it about how I present myself to other people. What I was wondering is whether to not share certain aspects of our lives with other people was inauthentic. Do we need to make all of our lives public knowledge in order to be authentic. Certainly not sharing our problems leads to us feeling isolated as nobody knows and understands what we face. Sometimes not sharing things has a purpose though.

Larry B. - my take/make up is everything one does, one does for a reason based on a chosen belief as to how best to take care of oneself. Being authentic, about this, owning that how one experiences anything, is but a matter of 'doing oneself,' their emotional experience of whatever, which often supports a parallel physical expression to some degree. Its about being authentic about accepting ownership vs pretending externals rule the flavor of our experience. imho :)

Alison S.T. - Thanks Larry for replying, if I understand what you are saying then you are defining authenticity as being clear about exactly who is responsible for your own emotional experience - it is down to us as individuals to be responsible for ourselves. Which I totally agree with. I think Bears is adding in something extra into that thought in terms of how we show up when relating to others, that what we show to others as being a presentation of ourselves is the same as what we know on the inside to be our actual self - no pretence, no masks to hide what we consider to be an unattractive side to ourselves. But I was wondering whether that thought goes as far as suggesting that we are totally open about everything in our lives, that nothing is considered private information that we wouldn't share. What do you think?

Larry B. - lol.....yes, it seems some have a sort of unease about silence, or as if need to announce every bowl movement....sort of like not having any thing else to discuss or to explore..... perhaps one could explore what one is looking for, motivation for, feeling one ought to take up their moment, and the moment of others, without any particular interest being expressed by the other, lest it is joy, gratitude, ok-ness for the present moment. Ain't it fun what we can do to ourselves emotionally? hugs...

Larry B. - As to your seemingly deleted post Alison, the age old question which came first the chicken or the egg comes to mind. My take/make is all motivation ultimately is self motivation. in other words, 'what's in it for me', tends to rule. Being authentic, and good to myself Karmically, or emotionally, as in being of service. (quality and quantity being the measurement) In this equasion first one has to have a healthy respect and love of self to have it to give or share.

To set oneself up expecting that if I do good, then It will make me ok seems to me to put oneself in a potentially victim role, waiting for acknowledgment that one did something of service. Anyways this is how I make it up, for me, smiles

Alison S. T. - I didn't delete it Larry, that wasn't what I meant by my comment, we can love ourselves without loving others or needing the feedback. But the two do go together well

Larry B.- smilingly found the post on another thread. t/u 4 understanding.......

Alison S. T.- No worries Larry, thanks for all your thoughts.

: )

Karen S. - I hope you don't mind, but I am borrowing this. I would like to share it with my friends. I will let them know the author. Well said Bears.

From Bears: Foundational Principle #3

Foundational Principle#3, Option Process (what we teach in our programs at the Option Institute). EVERYTHING WE FEEL, SAY AND DO HAS A CHOSEN BELIEF WHICH FUELS IT. Some folks subscribe to stimulus-response and say: "You made me unhappy." We teach stimulus-belief-response (between an event and our response is the engagement of a belief. So, we might say: "When you do that, I make myself unhappy."

And if I made myself unhappy (frustrated, angry, impatient, sad), then I’m not a victim of what others do or because of situations around me. If my responses (feelings and behaviors) come from my beliefs (which I created or adopted), then I’m in charge and can change my beliefs and, thus, change my feelings and behaviors. Stimulus-response = being a victim of what others do. Stimulus-belief-response = we’re in charge of ourselves and then have the power to change by changing our beliefs or belief filters. When I wrote Power Dialogues (a blueprint on how to change beliefs), I also realized that in order for any of us to change we have to: 1) want to change and 2) believe we can. You can. I can. We can. Love, Bears

Comments:

Shaun K.- bears will you please thoroughly explain what you mean when you say the word belief?

Bears Barry Neil Kaufman - Two ideas for you, Shaun: 1) read Power Dialogues -- there is an entire chapter devoted to what beliefs are and why we create them. 2) let's see what others post as an answer to you question -- we have so many knowledgeable students that I am sure can help here. Love, Bears

Shaun K. - well, bears i was hoping you would be able to paraphrase for us. Seeing as how it is your philosophy I figured we would be better off getting the explanation from the source. I do understand the need to reserve some info for sales sake to...

But if anyone else is willing to detail what the word belief means to them it would ve very much appreciated.

I think it would be a valuable topic for discussion as it seems to be very close to the root of the option philosophy as a whole. To me, a belief is an arrangement of words that one is devoted to or invested in

Jenn M. - To me it is something I think is true.

Larry B.- to believe, or not to believe is a choice. What we believe a stimuli might mean, good, bad, or all degree's inbetween or beyond, is also a choice. We experience what is going on, emotionally, as a direct result of the meaning we create, make believe, it mens. Does the flavor of belief help or hinder one in advancing towards a happier, or more enjoyable experience of whatever is going on or not? Perhaps this might be a useful criteria to apply to ones choice of belief?

Peter A. V. L. - Hi Bears

I have heard you say that so many times now and that is just so perfect. I have reasonly become aware of the idea that is just a belief and I think that strengthen the concept. Just as you wrote youself in "Happyness Is A Choice": I... might be totally wrong, but I will rather be happy. People have told me that I shouldn't be part of the "Option sect", but we are only making up beliefs and that is the safest place for me to be. Because every belief I change has been gently changed by me and nobody has forced me to anything - and also can't do that, which is my belief.

I am so happy to have the choice of happiness and I love the day I will see the Option Institute again.

I can't remember what is written in Power Dialogues, but I have my own version - which I guess that we all have.

A belief is a thought I use to me sence for me in the world. I see it as a process of perception: I sence stimulus, I then make sence of it through my beliefs and then I act upon what I beliefs. So by forming beliefs I am chosing how we want to make sence of the world I live in. Very nice!!!

By the way I think everyone is their own source to how we understand the Option Process. Bears has his set of beliefs and I have mine and I want to adobt some of Bears beliefs by attending classes at the Option Institute, but I don't think I would be happy if everything I had learned was from somewhere out of me. I learn from myself and that's really solid.

- Ethan ♥

Alison S. T. - Beliefs are our own make belief that either we have created for ourselves or adopted from other people. We are totally free to choose whatever beliefs we want to create. We also keep alive our beliefs by rechoosing them which makes them feel stronger. We choose and maintain our beliefs in order to take care of ourselves in the best way we know how. Also I think that beliefs are not facts and that we are free to change them at any point, however if we treat them like facts or truths then we are in a way we are doing that to protect them from challenge. Our belief system stretches into every area of our lives even the way we view an event that has occured. I used to work for an insurance company and the witness reports that I read as part of claim forms were testament to this. An example of this was a road accident where a large articulated lorry had ended up in a ditch. The first witness said that she thought that the driver was drunk because the lorry was swerving all over the road.

Alison S. T.- The second witness said that the driver wasn't paying attention to the road and was using a CB radio as she could see his arm waving about. The third witness said that a car coming the other way had driven too close to the lorry causing it to swerve into the ditch. The driver said that a bumble bee had got into his cab and he was trying to direct it out of the window again. Four people, four different accounts of the same incident, each person was sure that they were right. The outcome was the insurance compay got a £13,000 bill for damage to the lorry. So is there a right answer - or are we making it up. I believe that we are making it up, but then I am making that up too, because I think that is the best way to take care of me, because I can decide to make it up differently if the first version no longer is helpful to me.

Larry B. - Right on Alison, thanks for reminding about that fascet of our ability, and how some distract themselves believing their make-belief is 'fact.'.....and tend to gloss over, their own hand in creating their version/belief...

Seliger R. - A belief = your premise of what you understand to be your (absolute) truth.

Truth being a non negotiable premise that simply is just that.

PD helps one to get intouch with that truth. ;)))

North W. - Recently someone ask me about Option, I give them a short version of SBR...it was so cool they labeled me as one of those "Berkshire Radicals"...one of my proudest moments to be judged.

Peter A. V. L. - Alison! That was a great story to amplify the strength of a believe as non-factual. If beliefs was facts then, in our minds, we would not even considder question them, because our brain doesn't question facts - well my brain doesn't - and then Power Dialogues would have no effect.

A question for people who read this page: Could you make believe that "facts" can be categorized as pices of information that you don't question rather then real univerial laws that never changes?

By the, I love you, North!! Every fiber of you Birkshire Radical being, He he he.

Alison S. T. - So does it serve us better to hold 'facts' about life or 'beliefs' about our life? Facts can seem strong, solid and dependable - we know where we are with something that doesn't change. Whereas beliefs are fluid, flexible and changeable. Remembering that we are in charge of choosing what goes on in our own heads, which do we want to choose? When deciding for myself, I liked the analogy of the tree in the tornado. Is a strong solid tree like an oak likely to survive or is a thin flexible tree that can bend with the wind more likely to survive. In the 1987 hurricane in the UK (I have to go back that far as we don't have many here) I think that Sevenoaks in Kent lost 6 out of 7 of it's oaks, so the oak tree lost out to the tree that leaned with the wind. Water moves and is flexible too, in a river the water keeps moving and can bring down the strongest fortress built on a cliff by the sea.

So the ability to choose beliefs for ourselves, knowing that we are making them up, is a great way to take care of ourselves, because we can move with the flow. It's so much more fun too as we can be playful with creating beliefs, it doesn't have to be hard painful work - unless of course we choose that.

Loving the discussion peeps..... keep the ideas coming!!!

Peter A. V. L. - My belief about this, and this is a quick hit, is that we really know nothing about our lives and therefore we have the ability to make up anything we want. so what is the strongest facts or beliefs? I guess the one that we choose (to believe in).

Alison S. T.- I like that Ethan!!! : ) Your comments are so inspiring for me.

Peter A. V. L. - Good for you, Alison! Well done!

From Bears: Foundational Principle #2

Foundational Principle #2, Option Process (what we teach at Option Institute). YOU HAVE YOUR OWN ANSWERS. We often look to experts, institutions, media and the people around us for our answers. Certainly, others can contribute their thoughts and suggestions. However, we teach people that they are, in the end, their own best experts on themselves and they can access their own answers/insights/wisdom

Imagine if each of us decided that our moms and dads and partners and teachers and counselors and friends have the best of intention in their guidance for us. But also imagine that they do not live in our skin or walk in our shoes. We are decidedly alone with our internal experiences and internal landscape (that’s not bad news, but great news)because we are also the architects of that landscape. Imagine relaxing, creating more self-acceptance, more happiness – therefore more clarity and then deciding to ask ourselves (not anyone else)”what do I want to do?”, “How do I want to live my life– and with whom?” Love, Bears
For decades, I have taught and used PowerDialogues to ask nonjudgmental questions of myself and uncover (and change) core beliefs which allowed me to redirect my life and feel complete ownership and excitement for that life (as well has teach others to do the same). Imagine, at the end of your life, saying: “No Regrets” It’s within the reach of all of us.

Comments:

Renée A. - Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. ~Buddha

Larry B. - I muse at the idea of being in a supermarket of beliefs, there are notices in my store, reminding me of the 'store policy'....."if you buy it, it owns you" :)

Larry B. - "Choose to Choose"

Seliger R. - I love it :) Why oh why did it take so long to get that :))) It's nuts, it's soo logical finally we are starting to evolve Hallaleuka !! (intentionally put in a k rather than a 'y' in Judaism it is part of Gd's name) So cool we have all the answers.

Tammy M.- Very complex...yet extremely simple! Thank you!!!

Judy M. - I truly believe all the answers are within!

Dawnmarie G. T. - I agree... your gut always knows what you want, and what brings you relief... however what about when you really need a suggestion or two to problem solve (Like, how does a single individual get up & running 2 Son-Rise programs simultaneously)? By asking other people you might get a bunch of different ideas that you never had and then your gut can lead you towards choosing the one that makes the most sense for you. Right? (I'm still a novice at all this, by the way) hee hee

Toni L. T. - that's a hard one for me...i know deep down it's true, but i have a lot of self doubt! working on it though...optimal self-trust, power dialouges...listening to those cds.

Jeannie R. - Bears, THIS CONCEPT WAS SO KEY FOR ME IN HELPING MY CHILD MOVE FROM HAVING SEVERE PROBLEMS TO NOW BEING NEAR RECOVERY FROM AUTISM! Initially, I allowed myself to be overwhelmed and helpless and lost, relying on these "experts" and others sources to guide me, but not only did it not work, it actually make the situation worse. When I read your book, "Son-Rise: The Miracle Continues", I took on this concept of being my own expert for my child and it brought practically instant results, and I have followed it ever since with ongoing success. Trusting myself is something I am continuing to learn about more and more as I deepen my beliefs with Option principles, and it is amazing how it continues to bring wonder and expansiveness to my life all the time. With gratitude and joy, Jeannie.

Alison S. T. - If I have a challenge and I go to an expert to get it 'fixed' then the next time I have a challenge I still don't know how to fix it so I would have to go back again to that expert to get it fixed. In fact, before long I would become dependent on that expert to keep fixing me, believingmyself to be incapable of helping myself - not a great place to be. One of my great learnings this year has been about finding my own answers, the beauty of this has been that some of the answers that I have come up with have been things that nobody else could have known about me, these answers have been real jewels found amongst the dust and debris of my lifes challenges. Thse findings have led to me being able to make profound changes in my life.

Alison S. T. - In March this year, I went on the Optimal self trust program at the Option Institute. On this course I learned techniques that have helped to make my own inner voice louder and tools to help my listen to what that inner voice was saying. Once I got home, the program really started as I learned to use the things I had learned. One evening my 85 year old father in law rang our home in panic to say that he couldn't find his bank books and that he thought that some workmen he had had in his house had stolen them. I offered to go down to his house to help look for them. We searched everywhere in all the places that he thought they might be. After half an hour of looking he was propping himself up on the table hyperventilating. At this point I decided to use the listening options (which are neurosignatures that we created)that I had learned on the course. I tried the first and the third ones and got no new ideas.

Alison S.T. - Then I tried the second one which was about heart knowledge, and found myself thinking diferently. I looked again where they were supposed to be and realised that the workmen hadn't taken them because there was an unimportant folder left. So I knew they were in the house. So I thought that for my father in law the safest place in the house would be his bedroom, so I decided they were in there, then I thought where would be safest in the bed room and I decided that my mother in laws side of the wardrobe (even though she has been dead 4 years) would be the place. So I looked in there, and there they were. So from the time I started using these listening options to finding the bank books was about 3 minutes. I think it would have taken hours of searching to have found them otherwise.

Bears Barry Neil Kaufman - Allison: WOW. You really do use what you learn in the Option Institute programs to your advantage. Awesome and inspiring. Love, Bears

Susan G. - Bears, was this not also the point of Sheldon Kopp when he wrote "If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him!…"?

Joan J. - i love you and all that you are, you and shamaria and all at the option. my life has transformed xxxxxxxxxxx

From Bears: Foundational Principles #1

Foundational Principles of the Option Process (what we teach at Option Institute) #1 - HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE: Though many of us speak as if our emotions happen to us, we believe that they are responses we choose in an effort to take care of ourselves. Misery, fear, anger, distress, and discomfort are optional, not inevitable. We can show you how to make emotional choices of comfort to enhance your life. Love, Bears

Comments:
Deborah G. - Thank you for posting this again, and again, I need reminding about this when I am afraid and trying to move forward in my life....

Shaun K. - Personally i call this emotional responsibility. I find it hard to believe, however, that there exists a truly emotionless state, and so I would say everyone is always feeling something, though it may not be outstanding. It is impossible to constantly be paying attention to your own emotional state.
Therefor some emotional conditioning, or a sort of self training may be necessary to eliminate undesired emotions completely, but personally i do not feel this is healthy.
Having controlled my emotions for years, and also having relinquished control, I find it best for myself only to control my emotions when they feel unhealthy or extremely out of balance. I have found plenty of value in "allowing emotions to happen to me" as a sort of subtle internal compass.
I figure if negative emotions exist there may be a purpose or reason for them, and so i allow them to be as important to me as positive emotions, and I find the contrast of the two more refreshing and enlightening.

Pessy G. - Hi Shaun. What if you were to believe that there are no "positive" or "negative" emotions, rather simply emotions as you said, that have a purpose, and are as important as we make them? What if, in understanding their purpose, we give ourselves the opportunity to choose the emotion that is most useful at the time? How about visiting www.option.org? Check out the webinars and enjoy...if you choose to ;)

Shaun K. - Pessy. I chose to view emotions as positive and negative because it expands my range of concepts, giving me more versatility in my explanations. this is the same reason i do not remove the words "should" "try" and "better" from my vocabulary.
I feel I am able to understand what emotions are most useful at the time, though i rarely chose to be so utilitarian with my own heart (figuratively).
I am not suggesting there is no purpose for what I call negative emotions or what Bears calls misery, fear, anger, distress, and discomfort. In fact I am suggesting the opposite: that there is a purpose for all emotions and hence little need for me to control them, it is more useful for me to study them, rather than allowing my study to use my emotions.

Simone D. L. T. - Shaun, I think the main question here that is being proposed is not about how you judge your emotions to be good or bad but that they are always your choice even though you might think you are not choosing them and they are just happening to you. A lot of people think that the Option Process advocates that people must be happy all the time and it is forbidden to feel anger, misery, etc but not so, what it claims is mainly that we choose our feelings, whichever they are, because they serve us a purpose, people use unhappiness or happiness because there is an underlying belief that it serves them in a certain way, even though that belief is not always clear to everybody, so in a way what you are saying is not the opposite but the same thing Bears is saying, you are just choosing to keep emotions you choose to call negative because you think they serve you a purpose and that is totally ok. In the Option Process what you do is exactly as you said study your emotions.

Alison S. T. - Happiness is a choice is my favourite of all your ideas Bears, because the ideas that our emotional responses are based on our beliefs is so empowering - I love the fact that I am in charge of me, and that if I explore my beliefs that I can change them if I want to and so give myself a whole different experience. But also aren't people so amazingly fascinating, we all have such an incredible array of beliefs that are unique to us. So deciding to work with ourselves to uncover our beliefs could be more like going on a treasure hunt rather than open heart surgery without anaethesia. Love hugs and smiles

Larry B. - Shawn and Pessy; there is a reason behind every choice of emotion we put on ourselves. Me thinks the question to ask is whether it helps, truly helps one to have the quality of experience they want to have, display, and to share? And to become aware it is not the stimuli that determines this, it is ones own chosen and held beliefs about what or how one best ought to respond or react like a program and each of us is our own programmer hugs

Melanie M. S. - I shared this with a dear friend yesterday and recommended she visit the site and order some great books!!

Shaun K. - Simone, I am very aware that the proposition Bears is making is that emotions are always a choice, and not that negative emotions are to be avoided. My detailing of that idea was for pessy. I am not suggesting the same thing as bears, however.

Allow me to make an analogy:

Breathing is a choice. one could always choose to be inhaling or exhaling, however one is constantly breathing, (in the same way i would argue one is constantly feeling) and does not always have the time or head space to choose, as more pressing issues arise. in this way inhaling, exhaling, misery or fear may happen to you. paying attention to ones breathing is recommended by many a teacher in very much the same way paying attention to emotions is.

i feel the same way about choosing my breathing as i do about choosing my emotions. unless they are extremely out of balance, i leave it up to my body to regulate them most of the time, as i think most people do, and this feels healthy to me.

Simone D. L. T. - I understand now Shaun and you're right it's not the same thing. I disagree in the sense that I believe my breathing is controlled by involuntary action while my feelings are controlled by my beliefs although one could argue there are people who can control their breathing like those divers who can hold their breath for ages. Its a fascinating shady line between mind and matter and this is a region of thought I am not certain myself. I would love to follow an Option course which discussed this, how much of our diseases/body functions happen to us or are caused by us. I like the way you discuss ideas deeply and dissects them, very interesting. It is a question of belief really as I don't think there is such an option of leaving it up to your body to regulate your feelings, I think choices are being made even if you are not concious you are making them, they are such automated responses rehearsed over and over again by ingrained beliefs that it feels as if we are not choosing them. I think that is why some people don't like surprises because it would require a more concious choice of reaction rather than a rehearsed one. When we designate that the cause of our feelings is the stimulli outside, what happens, whenever that particular thing happens we react in the same way and blame the thing happening taking our responsibility away from the choice of our reactions. When you exercise making different choices you sample the power of changing your destiny as you start getting totally different outcomes and it is really refreshing. But as choices go, it is up to each person, you are choosing what it feels healthy to you and that is great, to take care of ourselves at all times is everyone's ultimate goal and the guide of our choices. Thanks for discussing, it is a fascinating subject.

Judy M. - I have found that emotions are responses to thinking. Feelings are gifts that tell us what we are thinking. If I ever want to know what I am thinking I just need to be aware of what I am feeling. If I want to change a feeling or emotion, I can change my thinking. So I am in control of my emotions and what I am putting into my head. I now no longer overeat to numb the feelings I don't want to feel. Instead I feel them, understand what the thinking is behind them and choose to change them if I want.

Stacey R. - Happiness may be a choice in our hearts - it's also a choice we can choose to give to others as well. Maybe if we choose to brighten other people's day a little bit - be good natured, and spread God's love, it'll be easier for us ourselves ...to be able to choose to be happy. I find your comments interesting, thanks for posting them, I'm Erol's daughter Stacey! :)

Alison S. T. - Yes Stacey, you are so right, that in giving to others we give ourselves a happier and more nourishing experience. Thanks for joining this. I'm glad you are enjoying Bears status posts. Love Alison : )

From Bears: To love and be loved

Next Thought: Who is most enriched, the one who loves or the one who is being loved? When we love, we fill ourselves with the nourishing experience of creating the internal experience of love. In effect, we fill ourselves with love. When we are loved, but perhaps worried or annoyed or fearful, we have the experience of worry, annoyance and fear (not love). The best game in town: love as many people as we can.
For if we expand our circle of love and create love in ourselves for as many people as possible, then we have expanded our experience of love within our internal landscape. We can include not only our lovers, our family and friends but also the cashier at the grocery store, the teller in the bank, the bus driver. Some might call that being indiscriminate with our love; I see it as creating a family of humanity unlike any we have ever experienced. Next step: rather than view love as a family, convert it into a verb and make love an action statement of support and caring for others. Love and smiles, Bears

Comments:

Pessy G. - I thank you for sharing your thoughts Bears. I find it so wonderful to experience sharing my love with others thinking I know exactly what it means to love. Then I return to The Option Institute, and I learn that I can love even deeper than I had ever imagined! What a gift!

Natalia Z. - oh. I really needed that today! Thanks Bears!

Creusa B.- Yes indeed! I LOVE the idea of making love an action statement of support and caring for otheres, no matter who they are! Thanks Bears, for reminding us to love unconditionally.

Sherri L. D. - Thank you for reminding me of the importance of LOVE!

Rekha N. - Every time I practice mentoring or exploring using the Option process Dialogue Bears, I give myself the most amazing hit, it is almost like an addiction!he he. I used to believe love was something sacred saved for a few special people in my life. I now find myself loving people I meet for just minutes of my life. Something I would have said was previously unachievable, it is just the most amazing experience. Thank you for sharing your secret! xxx

Laura S. - And from this came one of our favorite quotes by Samahria, "The one that LOVES the most wins". (A great movie with this theme is called Marvin's Room.)

Alison S. T. - The only way it would be indiscriminate to love everybody would be if I believed that my supply of love was in some way limited, that I could use it up or wear it out. I don't believe that at all. Love is unlimited in supply and so it is impossible to run out. I think it is great that in every circumstance of life the answer is to love more. I so enjoy how you Bears are so playful with your ideas, like the which is more enriching thought. It would be my make up for me which ever way I cast my vote, so I am going to vote for it is more enriching to love than be loved - because that in my experience has been the most fullfilling. If I give love I always feel nourished by the act of giving, but if someone loves me I am not always in a place to receive, so one has 100% success for me the other doesn't. That's it from me today, I am having a playroom day all day! Love you all XXX

Jeannie R. - PERFECT TIMING for me reading this today! I'm actually going to specifically set my intention for today to love as fully and beautifully as possible--totally for myself, but I know others will benefit too. Thank you so much, Bears.

Susan G. - Love and kindness walk hand in hand.

Susan G. - Ponder this: If your focus of loving is merely yourself and not the object of your love, your reason for loving is selfish. If you hope to enrich the other, then you are giving. When you love unconditionally, you are accepting unconditionally and that is altruism. What is your intention when you love?

Alison S. T. - If the intention of love is total unconditional acceptance of another person, coupled with wanting the very best for them and taking effective action to make that happen then the total focus of loving is on the person who you are loving, so... that is never selfish. I have been in positions in life where I have loved people who I don't think returned my love, but I still felt nourished for the things that I had done. This is a great place to be because my happiness and nourishment is not dependant on what someone else might do. So my being loving actually nourishes me. The idea that my love in some way enriches someone else rests on a belief that somehow I can affect someone elses feelings in spite of what they might choose. There is a saying that I like, which goes: life is like a marmalade sandwich, you only get out of it what you are prepared to put into it.

Alison S. T. - We can present opportunities for other people, but they have to be open to being loved which means they are giving themselves the marmalade.

Susan G. - If your intention is enriching yourself, you are being selfish regardless of how you define that love. An altruistic love is more concerned about the other. It matters not if the person returns that love. A selfish love is about enriching you.

Alison S. T. - So are you saying that when you love other people altruistically you get absolutely nothing out of it yourself?

Susan G. - I am saying that it is not the goal. There are no angles-I am not doing it with a selfish intention or hope of a selfish byproduct. If someone understands humility then they know there is a lot more loving to do and does not glory in what they have done. One looks forward to all else that needs to be done.

Alison S. T. - I don't believe that it is selfish to want to nourish myself, I actually believe that in loving and nourishing myself that I am more able then to be loving to other people, which then means that I am even more loving to others etc it is an upward spiral, but it begins with me.

Susan G. - I said nothing about nourishing or taking care of oneself. I take care of myself. I was talking about love, altruism and humility. Reread what I wrote, Alison.

Alison S. T. - Susan, when I share things on Bears wall, I am sharing things that are personal to me and my life. My intention in sharing them is to stretch my thoughts and grow myself bigger but also I hope that that in sharing my perspective others might share theirs too, which can be very inspiring. If what I write is helpful to other people too then I would be delighted. I am not out to attack your beliefs or even change them, I know I can't do that - and I don't want to. I hope you feel that when you write things here that I treat them with the love and respect they deserve.

Susan G.- If you wish to stretch your thoughts and grow and have others stretch their thoughts and grow, you would have no problem with what I have written. It is only by being willing to think and challenge can one grow. Bears uses the socratic method which I am very familiar with as that is how law school is taught. I am not being a devil's advocate. I am sharing my beliefs and thoughts about Bears subject of love and who is enriched when one loves.

Alison S. T. - Susan, I have never had a 'problem' with anything you have written, I don't always agree with you but each of us chooses our own path as I have said many times.

Jan J. S. - I'm impressed that there is a discussion here where people are respectfully disagreeing... I suspect there are different kinds of love; certainly various definitions. I'm sure I would step between a tiger and my child; I'm not sure I would do that for a fellow adult I loved. I've been noticing that it seems people who fill themselves with happiness give off love as a by-product...but then loving also has the by-product of happiness.

Susan G. - Love thy neighbor as you would love thyself.

Jan J. S.- My interpretation of "love thy neighbor is that you actually DO love your neighbor as you do yourself: judge yourself, you judge your neighbor; love yourself, you will love your neighbor...so I see it not so much as a "should" but this is how it works. Then again, I know if I start with loving my neighbor, I reap the benefit of that love. So I wonder why I don't choose this way to be more often...

Gail B. F. - Bears this is so so true. Since coming home from the Optimal Self Trust program this is the 'game' I've been living and you know what? It actually works! I had some huge stimuli going on while I was there at the program and really learned a lot about myself and how I choose to be many times in my relationship especially with my husband Jim. I made a decision during the program that I was going to love him and be non judgmental and we have had the most incredible week in 17 years. I can't wait to come back to Radical Authenticity next week and tap even deeper into the love that I can create for myself. Thank you so much!

From Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman): Love

Love in a relationship is choosing to be happy with another person; letting go of judgments. Love is about completing ourselves vs. asking the other person to complete us. Love is about taking responsibilities for our own thoughts, feelings and actions (not blaming the other person). Love is about celebrating your own blessing to be with this other person who you have chosen among an endless number of possibilities.

Comments:

Katy M. - the most amazing description of love ever! :-)

Melody-Rose P. - Bears, in our ministry we teach that Holy Spirit is a role model of how to be in relationship with everything. Holy Spirit observes what is going on in our lives, with complete allowance, acceptance, and unconditional love. To be truly seen... and loved is a valuable gift, and one that everyone can choose.

Glad to be in touch with you. Your teachings are awesome!

Susan G. - How beautiful, Bears! Thanks for sharing such beautiful thoughts. Love is unconditional acceptance.

Sonika T. - Yes! Love is granting space to people to exist, as is. Being in a mood of wonder and acceptance as we engage with others and express ourselves is the most delightful experience we can share with another.

Helen C. - Wonderful, keep reminding us of the sanity of love Bears!

Rekha N. - Thank you Bears. I used to be so lost when it came to defining love. I adore the Option definition of love, it is so easy and transparent. Before Option I had learnt so many different versions; love was a set of chores or meeting expectations or buying flowers...the list was endless and bizarrely loving was the last thing I felt as I failed miserably! Thank you for the clarity and thank you for your generous love. Rekha.x

Diana F. - YES!! Very well put Bears!! I love it, I'm living it!! :-)

Susan G. - "Love is touching souls." —Joni Mitchell

Alison S. T. - Therefore, love is all about me and what I am bringing to life and not about what someone else can do. It is the ultimate independence which seems ironic that by providing for myself everything I want from love, that actually I can be more loving. But how cool is that, to come to relationships from a place of completness rather than to come feeling needy.

Eva P. - And then, from being complete, rather than needy, the other person feels more comfortable around you because they know you r with them because you WANT to be, not because they need things from you. Making less expectations, and so a relaxed environment where you know you can be completely yourself.

Eva P. - *not because you need things from them*

Kim W. - I love this description of love. I have experienced (and continue to experience) this love and how sweet it is! Thank you for this description and for introducing me, through your teachings, to a version of love that I can do!

From Bears: Our Eyes & Aging

My grandmother, at 88, said years ago that when she looks at a tree, it looks the same to her as when she saw it at 8 or 18. But when she looks down at her hands, she wonders who is this very old person with all these wrinkles. My grandmother's hands looked so beautiful to me. We do not see what we see...we see what we think. We can always be excited to see what we see, even in the mirror.

Bears

Comments:

Mary C C. - Thanks Bears. It was good to read this and see you on my wall at the end of an emotional day! I love you!

Francine B. M. - The truth is so beautiful...thank you

Winden R. - I LOVE this..... perception. It's all about perception and beliefs.

Susan G. - My father use to say the same thing. He wondered who that old man was looking back at him in the mirror when he felt like a kid inside.

Jeannie R.- Thank You!!! Awesome, Beautiful and very relevant to me at this moment.

Nasreen H. - that thought is a nice way to start the day thank you x

Alison S.T. - I have noticed that since I decided to love first and act second that the people around me seem so much more attractive. But different qualities seem important, like the light in someones eyes matters more than their outer appearance. Also ...accepting that other people are doing their best makes them seem more cute to me. I think that real beauty is in our hearts/souls not on the outside. When we look in the mirror we see what noone else can because we know our own heart like no one else and we can be grateful for our own beauty and excited to see the wonder of our lives unfold. That's not to say that we can't be excited about the outside too : ). Thanks Bears, I'm saving up a special hug for you for the hug line when I come to the Option Institute in November.

Gareth M.- Hi Ya I look at my hands everyday and also when I use to be young and use to hide them{badly burnt} and still do, now what you have said when I look at them they are what I see like an extension off roots, like a tree as above. I am still growing and hey I still have lots off family friends that have supported me as they take me For Me For Who I am. like mulch GOOD STUFF To Make Things Grow,I Thank everyone for this, Family and Friends as I am growing more and more. Love Garp

Barb H. - This is the quote I tag on the end of all my emails:

“If I look only for what I expect to see, I'll miss all the other flowers in the garden.” Barry Neil Kaufman

Larry B. - wasn't it wayne dyer that authored "You'll See It When You Believe It" as in encouraging exploration of the quality of our beliefs?

Melanie W. - perhaps we start getting old when we notice we are doing just that..it is our perception that creates the reality

Barb H.- At least as I get older I find that I celebrate every little wrinkle and age spot. I earned them all and I appreciate what it took to get them.

From Bears: On family

Family: Blood and/or choice. Recently, a member of my birth family insisted shared blood defined family. I said, among my six children, three are adopted children (from situations of trauma) and do not share blood. Nor did any of my five grandchildren whom I adore. Choices create families, whether or not blood is shared. Being Moms and Dads are not defined by titles but earned by loving action and caring. Many of us have educated ourselves to learn about math and science and many professional endeavors. Few of us have studied how we want to parent and the key loving and successful components of child-rearing. Often, we stumble, not out of lack of wanting to love and teach our children to be happy and respectful and motivated and inspired but ... because we lack of clear purpose and a clear teaching/training model. In our Parenting Program (next seminar this fall), we discuss the notion of love as a verb – as a choice and an action. We can honor our pedigree and genetics but perhaps more significant is to honor our place in a larger human family where all children are our children….no shared blood required. Love, Bears

Comments:

Marie T. - Very well said Bears, I always felt that way about all children. I was just telling my husband how I always wanted, since I was a child, to do something meaningful with my life, live my life with purpose. I can see that God answered my prayer by sending me my autistic son, who has gone through numerous health crisis for the past seven years. Being a mother is the most meaningful service I have done and has brought me the closest to God. Love, Marie

Susan G. - My closest friends are my dearest family. They are family by choice. I love my blood relatives but my friends are the world to me.

Nicole M. S. - That's been my opinion for most of my life. Thanks for putting it out there in to the universe!

Lindy L. S. - I believe that too!

Bradand L. H. - When I read this I thought of my husband; married into 2 children with special needs, sonrise programs, honeymoon at max impact etc - the decision to love is the greatest love of all!

Karen H. - One of our closest family members is Uncle Mark! Not really an uncle, not blood related, not related at all, just a man that my husband met when he started work at the post office about 25 years ago. Uncle Mark is now the Godfather to both of our children and has been our most precious volunteer in our Son Rise program, coming to play with our son twice a week without fail for the last 8 years! He is our very, very best friend, he came forward when others disappeared, he is our inspiration and the love of our lives.

Simone D. L. T. - I have many nephews and my Godson and his brother are no different to me. Their Parents are just dear friends, not blood related, but I always think of them as my family, I even listed them in the Family application on Facebook. While I did it I thought there were many more friends I could list in there as my family.

Karen B. - How wondeffulXX

Rekha N. - I learn more and more each day from my kids, my little Serena has shocked many a person who has walked though our doors. After knowing them for a few minutes she announces that she loves them and embraces them just as she does with me. One lady said "but you have only known me for 20mins, how can you love me" so I said "how long did it take you to decide you your were going to love your new born child?" I am so grateful for all my Son-Rise team and my friends, what a fab extended family.x

Lise B. - your right Bears, i have two nieces, whom are adopted,i love them with all my heart and soul...i would not traded them for any body elses....they are my life and they saved my life.... they gave me a second chance tyo life...THANK YOU JANEL AND JOSEE

Lise B. - i don't have any children.. i do work with children and they are my children.....I LOVE THEM JUST AS THEY ARE MY CHILDREN...

Roxanne L. - I love this and fully agree! There really is nothing as wonderful in this world as loving your child and every day I choose to love my angel even more!

Susan G. - Rekha, your daughter is precious and your response was awesome!

Miguel A. - Members of the same family, not always are born under the same roof. Our choices define our family.

Amy O. R. - If family were limited to blood relation than a married couple/ life partners couldn't be considered family when really they are the foundation of it all.

Amy O. R. - I should clarify my last comment. By the traditional blood relation definition the parents are considered the foundation of the family... Which contradicts the definition since they aren't blood related to each other.

Susan G. - Exactly, Amy! It is why I use to lovingly teased my mom that she was only married to my father for 53 years (may he rest in peace) but I was blood related. It is so silly! These are just further ways we divide each other instead of looking at humankind as one big family. Perhaps if we did that we really would repair the world.

From Bears: Self-trust

The impossible become possible because someone dreams it so. Being realistic has to do with the past...confining ourselves to what someone did or didn't accomplish yesterday. That means nothing about today or tomorrow. One person's dismissed folly can be another person's determined reach for the stars. What's the difference? Self-Trust/Self-Reliance. Believe in what you want, not what is.

Chinese proverb: "People who say it can't be done shouldn't get in the way of the people doing it." More love, Bears

Comments:

Lejla S.-K. - thank you Bears, a new post it for my bathroom mirror :))))

Julie R. - i love these posts they keep me going xxxtake care x

Judy M. - I love what you say about believe in what you want and not what is! Believe in the vision and what is possible and by law of attraction so shall it be!

Kelli P. - One of my favourite quotes along these lines is: Never let anyone build your world for you, they always build it to small. (don't know who by, but have a great piece of art to remind me of it all the time). Hugs!

Sherri L. D. - I choose to BELIEVE! Thank you Bears for your words of inspiration and deep desire to help others. Gratitude and love to YOU and YOURS!!!

Lorna M. - At first, people thought that the Wright brothers were crazy! What use would an airplane be? Many folks decided that those "talkie" movies would never make it. Thomas Edison had two weeks of formal education, the rest was self taught. Albert Einstein, Helen Keller, Barack Obama, Samahria Kaufman...I can go on and on and on...they all accomplished what was considered impossible!

Susan G. - To dream the impossible dream....

Laura S. - just the reminder I needed, thank you!

Alison S.T. - Aren't dreams like having a guess in a dialogue, we take the pressure off ourselves needing to be 'right' and just imagine all the wonderful possibilities of what could be.....and so hope is born.

Barbara F. - "Believe in what you want, not what is." I so love that! That is so what you and Samahria did with Raun and by creating the Option Institute. I've been thinking about how when I want something, imagining the best case scenario and then ...using the energy, excitement and clarity to take every opportunity to make it happen, rather than envisioning failure at least part of the time, then splitting half of your reduced energy trying to take steps to avoid that scenario. This usually means putting off the undertaking or not doing it at all in the end, since many failure scenarios are not that controllable or able to be planned away. I don't approach all issues in my life this way (yet), but I'm working on getting to where I can allow more and more best-case-scenario thinking to dominate and earlier in the process. Thanks Bears and Samahria!

Rekha N. - This is such an amazing co-incidence, I was planning to do a visualization at the beginning of our team meeting tonight about just this.xxx

Bears Barry Neil Kaufman - Thank you all for your very thoughtful, insightful and appreciative comments. Samahria and I read them all together and so deeply appreciate how much we are holding hands with all of you and how much you are holding hands with us. Blessings and gratitude, Bears & Samahria

Obdulia A. - Is beautiful to hear that Samahria and you read all the comments. Samahria comes to my mind every time that I hear my 2 years old talking and saying "abiba that means arriba (Spanish, up, English) so I say "yes papito abiba, abiba!! and he smiles at me. She comes to my mind because in the DVD Autism Solutions she puts that example saying why we should join Autistic children as we join toddlers or babys when we talk to them because my toddler really enjoys when I said "abiba" I love you! I'm your fan!