From Bears: To love and be loved

Next Thought: Who is most enriched, the one who loves or the one who is being loved? When we love, we fill ourselves with the nourishing experience of creating the internal experience of love. In effect, we fill ourselves with love. When we are loved, but perhaps worried or annoyed or fearful, we have the experience of worry, annoyance and fear (not love). The best game in town: love as many people as we can.
For if we expand our circle of love and create love in ourselves for as many people as possible, then we have expanded our experience of love within our internal landscape. We can include not only our lovers, our family and friends but also the cashier at the grocery store, the teller in the bank, the bus driver. Some might call that being indiscriminate with our love; I see it as creating a family of humanity unlike any we have ever experienced. Next step: rather than view love as a family, convert it into a verb and make love an action statement of support and caring for others. Love and smiles, Bears

Comments:

Pessy G. - I thank you for sharing your thoughts Bears. I find it so wonderful to experience sharing my love with others thinking I know exactly what it means to love. Then I return to The Option Institute, and I learn that I can love even deeper than I had ever imagined! What a gift!

Natalia Z. - oh. I really needed that today! Thanks Bears!

Creusa B.- Yes indeed! I LOVE the idea of making love an action statement of support and caring for otheres, no matter who they are! Thanks Bears, for reminding us to love unconditionally.

Sherri L. D. - Thank you for reminding me of the importance of LOVE!

Rekha N. - Every time I practice mentoring or exploring using the Option process Dialogue Bears, I give myself the most amazing hit, it is almost like an addiction!he he. I used to believe love was something sacred saved for a few special people in my life. I now find myself loving people I meet for just minutes of my life. Something I would have said was previously unachievable, it is just the most amazing experience. Thank you for sharing your secret! xxx

Laura S. - And from this came one of our favorite quotes by Samahria, "The one that LOVES the most wins". (A great movie with this theme is called Marvin's Room.)

Alison S. T. - The only way it would be indiscriminate to love everybody would be if I believed that my supply of love was in some way limited, that I could use it up or wear it out. I don't believe that at all. Love is unlimited in supply and so it is impossible to run out. I think it is great that in every circumstance of life the answer is to love more. I so enjoy how you Bears are so playful with your ideas, like the which is more enriching thought. It would be my make up for me which ever way I cast my vote, so I am going to vote for it is more enriching to love than be loved - because that in my experience has been the most fullfilling. If I give love I always feel nourished by the act of giving, but if someone loves me I am not always in a place to receive, so one has 100% success for me the other doesn't. That's it from me today, I am having a playroom day all day! Love you all XXX

Jeannie R. - PERFECT TIMING for me reading this today! I'm actually going to specifically set my intention for today to love as fully and beautifully as possible--totally for myself, but I know others will benefit too. Thank you so much, Bears.

Susan G. - Love and kindness walk hand in hand.

Susan G. - Ponder this: If your focus of loving is merely yourself and not the object of your love, your reason for loving is selfish. If you hope to enrich the other, then you are giving. When you love unconditionally, you are accepting unconditionally and that is altruism. What is your intention when you love?

Alison S. T. - If the intention of love is total unconditional acceptance of another person, coupled with wanting the very best for them and taking effective action to make that happen then the total focus of loving is on the person who you are loving, so... that is never selfish. I have been in positions in life where I have loved people who I don't think returned my love, but I still felt nourished for the things that I had done. This is a great place to be because my happiness and nourishment is not dependant on what someone else might do. So my being loving actually nourishes me. The idea that my love in some way enriches someone else rests on a belief that somehow I can affect someone elses feelings in spite of what they might choose. There is a saying that I like, which goes: life is like a marmalade sandwich, you only get out of it what you are prepared to put into it.

Alison S. T. - We can present opportunities for other people, but they have to be open to being loved which means they are giving themselves the marmalade.

Susan G. - If your intention is enriching yourself, you are being selfish regardless of how you define that love. An altruistic love is more concerned about the other. It matters not if the person returns that love. A selfish love is about enriching you.

Alison S. T. - So are you saying that when you love other people altruistically you get absolutely nothing out of it yourself?

Susan G. - I am saying that it is not the goal. There are no angles-I am not doing it with a selfish intention or hope of a selfish byproduct. If someone understands humility then they know there is a lot more loving to do and does not glory in what they have done. One looks forward to all else that needs to be done.

Alison S. T. - I don't believe that it is selfish to want to nourish myself, I actually believe that in loving and nourishing myself that I am more able then to be loving to other people, which then means that I am even more loving to others etc it is an upward spiral, but it begins with me.

Susan G. - I said nothing about nourishing or taking care of oneself. I take care of myself. I was talking about love, altruism and humility. Reread what I wrote, Alison.

Alison S. T. - Susan, when I share things on Bears wall, I am sharing things that are personal to me and my life. My intention in sharing them is to stretch my thoughts and grow myself bigger but also I hope that that in sharing my perspective others might share theirs too, which can be very inspiring. If what I write is helpful to other people too then I would be delighted. I am not out to attack your beliefs or even change them, I know I can't do that - and I don't want to. I hope you feel that when you write things here that I treat them with the love and respect they deserve.

Susan G.- If you wish to stretch your thoughts and grow and have others stretch their thoughts and grow, you would have no problem with what I have written. It is only by being willing to think and challenge can one grow. Bears uses the socratic method which I am very familiar with as that is how law school is taught. I am not being a devil's advocate. I am sharing my beliefs and thoughts about Bears subject of love and who is enriched when one loves.

Alison S. T. - Susan, I have never had a 'problem' with anything you have written, I don't always agree with you but each of us chooses our own path as I have said many times.

Jan J. S. - I'm impressed that there is a discussion here where people are respectfully disagreeing... I suspect there are different kinds of love; certainly various definitions. I'm sure I would step between a tiger and my child; I'm not sure I would do that for a fellow adult I loved. I've been noticing that it seems people who fill themselves with happiness give off love as a by-product...but then loving also has the by-product of happiness.

Susan G. - Love thy neighbor as you would love thyself.

Jan J. S.- My interpretation of "love thy neighbor is that you actually DO love your neighbor as you do yourself: judge yourself, you judge your neighbor; love yourself, you will love your neighbor...so I see it not so much as a "should" but this is how it works. Then again, I know if I start with loving my neighbor, I reap the benefit of that love. So I wonder why I don't choose this way to be more often...

Gail B. F. - Bears this is so so true. Since coming home from the Optimal Self Trust program this is the 'game' I've been living and you know what? It actually works! I had some huge stimuli going on while I was there at the program and really learned a lot about myself and how I choose to be many times in my relationship especially with my husband Jim. I made a decision during the program that I was going to love him and be non judgmental and we have had the most incredible week in 17 years. I can't wait to come back to Radical Authenticity next week and tap even deeper into the love that I can create for myself. Thank you so much!

From Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman): Love

Love in a relationship is choosing to be happy with another person; letting go of judgments. Love is about completing ourselves vs. asking the other person to complete us. Love is about taking responsibilities for our own thoughts, feelings and actions (not blaming the other person). Love is about celebrating your own blessing to be with this other person who you have chosen among an endless number of possibilities.

Comments:

Katy M. - the most amazing description of love ever! :-)

Melody-Rose P. - Bears, in our ministry we teach that Holy Spirit is a role model of how to be in relationship with everything. Holy Spirit observes what is going on in our lives, with complete allowance, acceptance, and unconditional love. To be truly seen... and loved is a valuable gift, and one that everyone can choose.

Glad to be in touch with you. Your teachings are awesome!

Susan G. - How beautiful, Bears! Thanks for sharing such beautiful thoughts. Love is unconditional acceptance.

Sonika T. - Yes! Love is granting space to people to exist, as is. Being in a mood of wonder and acceptance as we engage with others and express ourselves is the most delightful experience we can share with another.

Helen C. - Wonderful, keep reminding us of the sanity of love Bears!

Rekha N. - Thank you Bears. I used to be so lost when it came to defining love. I adore the Option definition of love, it is so easy and transparent. Before Option I had learnt so many different versions; love was a set of chores or meeting expectations or buying flowers...the list was endless and bizarrely loving was the last thing I felt as I failed miserably! Thank you for the clarity and thank you for your generous love. Rekha.x

Diana F. - YES!! Very well put Bears!! I love it, I'm living it!! :-)

Susan G. - "Love is touching souls." —Joni Mitchell

Alison S. T. - Therefore, love is all about me and what I am bringing to life and not about what someone else can do. It is the ultimate independence which seems ironic that by providing for myself everything I want from love, that actually I can be more loving. But how cool is that, to come to relationships from a place of completness rather than to come feeling needy.

Eva P. - And then, from being complete, rather than needy, the other person feels more comfortable around you because they know you r with them because you WANT to be, not because they need things from you. Making less expectations, and so a relaxed environment where you know you can be completely yourself.

Eva P. - *not because you need things from them*

Kim W. - I love this description of love. I have experienced (and continue to experience) this love and how sweet it is! Thank you for this description and for introducing me, through your teachings, to a version of love that I can do!

From Bears: On family

Family: Blood and/or choice. Recently, a member of my birth family insisted shared blood defined family. I said, among my six children, three are adopted children (from situations of trauma) and do not share blood. Nor did any of my five grandchildren whom I adore. Choices create families, whether or not blood is shared. Being Moms and Dads are not defined by titles but earned by loving action and caring. Many of us have educated ourselves to learn about math and science and many professional endeavors. Few of us have studied how we want to parent and the key loving and successful components of child-rearing. Often, we stumble, not out of lack of wanting to love and teach our children to be happy and respectful and motivated and inspired but ... because we lack of clear purpose and a clear teaching/training model. In our Parenting Program (next seminar this fall), we discuss the notion of love as a verb – as a choice and an action. We can honor our pedigree and genetics but perhaps more significant is to honor our place in a larger human family where all children are our children….no shared blood required. Love, Bears

Comments:

Marie T. - Very well said Bears, I always felt that way about all children. I was just telling my husband how I always wanted, since I was a child, to do something meaningful with my life, live my life with purpose. I can see that God answered my prayer by sending me my autistic son, who has gone through numerous health crisis for the past seven years. Being a mother is the most meaningful service I have done and has brought me the closest to God. Love, Marie

Susan G. - My closest friends are my dearest family. They are family by choice. I love my blood relatives but my friends are the world to me.

Nicole M. S. - That's been my opinion for most of my life. Thanks for putting it out there in to the universe!

Lindy L. S. - I believe that too!

Bradand L. H. - When I read this I thought of my husband; married into 2 children with special needs, sonrise programs, honeymoon at max impact etc - the decision to love is the greatest love of all!

Karen H. - One of our closest family members is Uncle Mark! Not really an uncle, not blood related, not related at all, just a man that my husband met when he started work at the post office about 25 years ago. Uncle Mark is now the Godfather to both of our children and has been our most precious volunteer in our Son Rise program, coming to play with our son twice a week without fail for the last 8 years! He is our very, very best friend, he came forward when others disappeared, he is our inspiration and the love of our lives.

Simone D. L. T. - I have many nephews and my Godson and his brother are no different to me. Their Parents are just dear friends, not blood related, but I always think of them as my family, I even listed them in the Family application on Facebook. While I did it I thought there were many more friends I could list in there as my family.

Karen B. - How wondeffulXX

Rekha N. - I learn more and more each day from my kids, my little Serena has shocked many a person who has walked though our doors. After knowing them for a few minutes she announces that she loves them and embraces them just as she does with me. One lady said "but you have only known me for 20mins, how can you love me" so I said "how long did it take you to decide you your were going to love your new born child?" I am so grateful for all my Son-Rise team and my friends, what a fab extended family.x

Lise B. - your right Bears, i have two nieces, whom are adopted,i love them with all my heart and soul...i would not traded them for any body elses....they are my life and they saved my life.... they gave me a second chance tyo life...THANK YOU JANEL AND JOSEE

Lise B. - i don't have any children.. i do work with children and they are my children.....I LOVE THEM JUST AS THEY ARE MY CHILDREN...

Roxanne L. - I love this and fully agree! There really is nothing as wonderful in this world as loving your child and every day I choose to love my angel even more!

Susan G. - Rekha, your daughter is precious and your response was awesome!

Miguel A. - Members of the same family, not always are born under the same roof. Our choices define our family.

Amy O. R. - If family were limited to blood relation than a married couple/ life partners couldn't be considered family when really they are the foundation of it all.

Amy O. R. - I should clarify my last comment. By the traditional blood relation definition the parents are considered the foundation of the family... Which contradicts the definition since they aren't blood related to each other.

Susan G. - Exactly, Amy! It is why I use to lovingly teased my mom that she was only married to my father for 53 years (may he rest in peace) but I was blood related. It is so silly! These are just further ways we divide each other instead of looking at humankind as one big family. Perhaps if we did that we really would repair the world.

From Bears: Choose love #2

Can people experience and change because you love them? As if your love "infiltrates" their physiological and spiritual systems without their permission. The basics: stimulus-belief-response. When someone loves you, in your universe, they are the "stimulus." You can be open to how they choose to be with you and feel nourished. You can also decide to be fearful or self-protective. It's your option.

So...when we love, we create an experience inside...and we can make our love into a verb. In the end, the person most nourished will always be the person doing the loving.

Bears

Comments:

Larry B. - absolutum ;)

Silvia O. P. - That is sooooo true. In my work love is giving by patience, caring, understanding and aceptance...I had improve my self by learning from the people I work with

Shaun K. - how is referencing a belief not a response? also there have been plenty of studies that show people having biological responses to one another independent of conscious choice...for example, women's menstrual cycles will align if they are in one another's company for long enough, without their choosing. Also peoples heart rates will synchronize in each other's company independently of how one arranges the words in their head. You can call this the victim model or demonize the idea however you like, but again, the words you attach to it do not change the data in the studies that indicate a deep biological connection and emotional communication between bodies regardless of what language is being used, if any at all. I do agree the person "most" (emotionally) nourished will be the one doing the loving, but they may not be the only one nourished. your idea sounds too absolute to me, especially to contain an idea like love. then again, maybe i am wrong.

Bonnie J M. - "So...when we love, we create an experience inside...and we can make our love into a verb. In the end, the person most nourished will always be the person doing the loving." Love is not a singular experience. Giving, receiving love invokes many realms of emotions and experiences. The gift is to accept all that comes your way, all can be happiness if one chooses because when we learn to accept the love that comes our way we grow to love more deeply. Love does not always come on the white horse with shining Knight. Not the damsel with the long braided hair down the lofty tower hall. Love is often found in the most ordinary places. Love is that person who has 15 items in the 5 item checkout line. Look for it. Its there. Stop. Look.

Deborah G. - "As above, so below..."

Larry B. - not only 'accept' but to recognize the value

Alison S. T. - The idea that we are self starters in loving rather than tossed around by what others choose to do is so empowering. It feels so much more nourishing and calm than my previous ideas and poular beliefs about what love means. Also if we are choosing to initiate love for another person, we can decide specifically what that means and design a definition of what we want to give by being loving.

Lindsay H. - i love this....the experience we create inside when we love another is so nourishing! it's so lovely!

Susan G.- Bears, may I please share this with another? I would love to be able to quote what you said about love. Love is very powerful!

From Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman): Choose love

Why is choosing to love everyone such a hard sell? Because 1) we ask people to "earn" our love, 2) we think if we love everyone, even the bus-driver, then our love is not special, 3) we believe love is about who is loved not who chooses to love and 4) we think we become more vulnerable when we love. Totally incorrect. Those who choose to love, choose power, kindness and caring from within. Choose love. Bears

Comments:

Maureen W. G. P.- wonderful words, I give you my love

Julie A.- you always seem to poast what i need to hear on the day i need it.

Meghann T. - Bears, how do you suggest I love the bus driver? Where I live, bus drivers see that I'm a teenager, and refuse to let me on the bus, as they assume I intend to vandalise...

Judy M. - I am loving people more that I am learning to love, accept, and embrace myself as I am just the way I am. In turn, I am learning to love, accept, and embrace others as they are just the way they are. I am allowing myself to be who I am and allowing others to be who they are.

Joyce V. S. - Meghann, just love that busdriver even more - he is doing the best he can to protect himself - you could just try it and see how it feels - if it feels god, keep doing it ;-)

Corbie . - *chuckle* Oh, Bears, your comments and thoughts must be getting to me on a very deep level -- the last dream I had last night was a *dialogue with you* on hugs, the value/necessity/definition of personal space, and maintaining it while being completely open and nonjudgmental. And I know I made shifts even within the dream! If anything speaks to how deeply Option's ingrained in me, that's it -- so much love to you and Samahria, and I'll see you in the fall!

Mary v. d. V. - I totally agree with you Bears. To love is to be happy with...

Jill Keetch M. - Thank you so much! this is a great reminder. Since I'm really the ONLY one who can actually feel my love when I am loving others, I am really filling myself with love! And that feels so great!

Dolores G. - I disagree, I believe when you are loving others they can feel it too. That is if it's not done at a distance.

Pat P. - Love it, thanks Bears

Shaun K. - Love is a very vague term. I think you need to specify exactly what you mean by love here. I think it is a hard sell because very basically nobody "loves" everyone in the strongest sense of the word which, out of preservation of a valuable concept, people tend to reserve it for.
1) as a feeling that needs to be "earned" one could compare it to a refined skill regarding a relation to an individual, in which case it may need to be nurtured and developed, and in a sense earned.
2) as an "unusually" intense emotion, it would obviously become "usual" making it less "special" if you were to attempt to make it constant...after a while one may become "desensitized" or unclear as to how it even felt.
3) "love" to some may be about both who is being loved, and who is loving... i think mutual love tends to be self reinforcing, and has much more developmental potential than non mutual love, which would seem to fade naturally.
4) love and trust are often associated...
Suzanne L.I have to admit, I choose to hold on to the 2nd belief....but I'll linger on the "why" of that for a while :-)

Alison S. T. - I have been reading Happiness is a choice again and last night was reading the part about the 'reach' of belief transmission, pg 61 - 64 where you describe a scenario where a man hooks up a plant to a polygraph machine and notices that the plant reacts to him fantasizing about damaging the plant. Somehow the plant is getting stressed about the man deciding how he will damage the plant. So even though the man did not speak to the plant (assuming the plant could have understood speech anyway) something is transmitted. Is this not the same with love, that when one person loves another - something is transmitted to the other person. There have been times when people have loved me and I have not wanted it, but I have felt the vibe even though I rejected it. So I don't think that loving other people is just a cosy feeling I give myself and that being loved is still about me producing the good feelings for myself - I believe something is transmitted.

Simone D. L. T. - Just as children who never tried a food and will say "I don't like it" because of it's appearance, our beliefs are there, ugly as they look, scaring us to try something new, a new concept, to try to love each and everyone, everytime. Our belief says it's ugly so we don't try and we deprive ourselves from nature's most delicious fruit.

Dolores G. - It's not hard to love everybody once we realize noone is our enemy. We make them so in our minds only. Problem with most people is that we worry far too much about what other people are thinking about us when in reality they are more concerned with what we are thinking about them. [you see our egos won't let us be concerned with anybody but our own selves ;)] Knowing this lets me love them showing them that I am not "out to get them" but to care about them. It's putting that old song into practice "peace, let it begin with me." If we show others they have nothing to fear from us then they in return will respond in kind.

Susan G. - I still want to pinch myself when I choose happiness and can unblock myself by making rational choices. Is it really that easy, Bears? Can I simply choose to let go and in a second, let go? It seems to be working that way. Why couldn't I accept and let go before? Why now, can I do it? Choosing love, peace, joy and happiness is a no brainer. Why would anyone choose fear, anxiety and worry? They paralyze you and keep you from solving your problems. Changing my perception has freed me to solve my problems and has given me the energy I need to be able to do so.

FROM BEARS: Love Bigger Than Ever

What if, this week, each of us turns up our love bigger than ever? What if we chose to love not only those who appear to be great candidates, like our partners, our children, our parents, our friends, even our co-workers...but the cashier in the market, the teller in the bank, the bus driver, the telephone operator, even people who are angry and judging us? What if we choose love first, action second, 24/7? Bears

COMMENTS:

Bears Barry Neil Kaufman
What if just one of us do that? One person begins can begin an evolution -- the power of one person. Now supposed two of us do it...or four, or twenty, or everyone on Facebook? In that instant, the world would have changed. But actually, the world will change when just one of us takes a 24/7 leadership role -- love first, act second. It's one of the pillars of our Inner Strength program at the Option Institute. But I want love to see it become a wave -- a wonderful, gentle but strong wave -- if you going to be doing it this week and next, let me know. With Love and joy and optimism, Bears

Jeannie R.
This is fascinating, because ever since I took my first Option course, Fearless, about a year ago, I have been doing this and it has definitely expanded my universe in a beautiful and happy way. It was as if I let go of my resistance and decided to really be open--and of course, others opened more to me. Just making eye contact and smiling works wonders! Then, taking Radical Authenticity just helped me deepen this further I'm thrilled you are suggesting it to everyone!

Larry B.
Bears........you are on an amazing roll......kudos

Melissa W. S.
I'm going to give it a go...

Diana F.
Yes, Yes, Yes!!!! I'm turning up ze "volume!" Lots of love to give!! I'm IN!!!!

Lynn R. P.
Yes, I'm in...already previewing who I might see this week and thinking of really loving them and wanting the best for them.

Creusa B.
'Love first, act second'... powerful mantra. A friend of mine wrote, "Just love. It is love that remains."

Cyn T.-H.
Hmmmm along the lines of "Let love, and let go". Very nice!

Beth B.
Wow, Bears, I am loving logging on to Facebook and seeing/hearing from you ! - I will be loving first and acting second this week - annd daring to apply that to myself as well as to the rest of the world, which has always been easier for me. Thanks for the inspiration!

Obdulia A.
I love those words and thank you for the excellent idea, Can we change the world?....Yes we can!!!!! LOVE FIRST, ACTION SECOND,24/7, God Bless you Bears!

Peter A. V. L.
Hi Bears. I can't describe how increteble it feels to love first and act second with local afghan people. A whole new world has opned for me and sometimes the locals and the interpretor look at me in disbelive when I express empathy instead of anger. But I feels great and first of all I am doing it for me. Love from Afghanistan - Ethan ♥

Heather B.
Love first, then we NEVER have to judge!

Karen B.
THis morning I'm loving my wonderful (if a tetch grumpy) son, Stephanie our fabulous volunteer son-rise playworker who is in the playroom with him this very moment, the cat, Bobby, for wiping his feet as he left the litter box, and my 3rd coffee, - for tasting so very good! It's a beautiful day-ay-ay, it's a beautiful day! sing! :o)))

Sherri Lynn D.
Hello Bears! I believe the world does change from the moment WE decide to change. Speaking from personal experience, YOU have to WANT it!!!

Lora W. Br.
Ok. Sure. I will start with you. I do not even know you but I will send you internet love. :)

Bears Barry Neil Kaufman
Thank you all for being excited about really doing it...you, Ethan in Afganistan, you, Jeannie in Ohio, us here in Massachusetts -- please copy both posting about love at the top and spread the message. Hurrah for Stephanie the Son-Rise Program volunteer and for Bobby, the Cat --- so much for all of us to love. Love not simply a feeling, but when conceived us as a verb -- ah, it then become an action and a feeling. How cool is that? Love and gratitude, Bears

Samahria's favorite resolutions for 2011...and always!

SAMAHRIA'S FAVORITE RESOLUTIONS FOR 2011 … AND ALWAYS!

• Make believe I'm wonderful the way I am … rather than making believe I'm not enough or not okay … even if others don't agree. (And keep making believe until there's no space for doubt!)





• Gift myself with a loving feeling before I've achieved what I want (instead of waiting till the end or till I think I'm successful).





• Make every thought into a benefit for myself (e.g. "Ouch! I just cut my finger, and I can use this as an opportunity to be present while I'm cutting … and all the time." OR "Oh, I didn't get what I wanted here. There must be something even better for me in the wings." OR "This person doesn't want to be a friend of mine. Glad to know that, so I can find people to be around that appreciate me."





• Verbalize my thoughts and opinions with love, (and without fear of others' judgments).





• Do and give from a place of knowing that it's what I want to do – for myself!





• See the "funny" in everything (and grow my laughter power).





• Be open to seeing all of me – because every part is good and there to help me.





• I am always being supported by the Universe. I just have to trust it.

[Note: For me, "Resolutions" are MEANINGFUL INTENTIONS and EXCITING ACTIONS to take … not have-to's, which are pressures to perform; and then if I don't, I've failed.]

This is a practice and dedication to feeling good about myself and to feeling loving of others, no matter what they do. This is how I want to live and breathe. I may go to other places in myself at times, but I'm allowed, and that doesn't mean bad things about me.

My mantra will remain: "Nothing is more important than my happiness!", which leads to loving.

With BIG LOVE,
Samahria

FROM BEARS: Third Post for Tonight

THIRD POST FOR TONIGHT: check out the two others below! Amy/Bobbie brought quotes from some of my classes:

1. "This isn't happening to me, I'm doing it."


2. "There are no wrong moves."


3. "All road lead to happiness" - no kidding!


4. "Gifts are not entitlements (this is the death of gratitude).


5. "Anger is a request... for power from someone feeling powerless."
   
   

Paul S.
‎"Being genuinely happy for someone else's success is a beautifully rare gift"

Jackline W.
The 5th one is a point to ponder on... thank you Bears. I'm going to reconstruct my past with this.

Yvette R.
Ok, so not a quote from you but one I love nonetheless - "I am the Love I seek!!"

Jen M. J.
I love #5!!!!!!! They are all GREAT!!!!!

Donny H.
BUT BUT BUT!!! WHAT ABOUT..... um... yeah great quotes. I would have disagreed strongly even a year ago with all but number 4. So much is behind each statement. Easy to misinterpret for anyone new to Option. Seems like I read a book about these things somewhere... Oh yeah! "Happiness is a Choice." LOVE YOU BEARS!

Sunil W.
I am living in your classes though i am far away,,, happy to share on #5, ""Anger is a request for power from someone feeling powerless."

Alison S. T.
I love Jackline's thought about reconstructing the past in the light of anger being a request for power. It's weird that adults get angry with tiny children and feel powerless when faced with a two year old. I remember people being angry with me when I was that small but never before thinking that they felt powerless in their interaction with me, add in the violence to their anger and wow, I must have been some two year old for them to feel that powerless : )

Simone D. L. T.
Thank you for the amazing gift of these sentences! xx

FROM BEARS: Dancing with Amy and "Bobbie" Over Sushi

DANCING WITH AMY AND "BOBBIE" OVER SUSHI. Well, it felt like dancing. Continued from Bears/Samahria sighting in the streets of this small city (remember that post?). Over Ikura,laughed/shared stories/insights/thoughts about "going to seed,"/aging beliefs, "practicing to failure" & unleashing our inner genius. WE LOVED EACH OTHER EVERY SECOND WE WERE TOGETHER! Amy/Bobbie/senior Option Institute students and dear friends. Love, Bears

FROM BEARS: Hey, Bears & Samahria

Hey, BEARS & SAMAHRIA: The shout comes from a car passing us. We're thousands of miles from home. Out pops two amazing critters who have been taking programs at Option Institute for about a decade. They are graduate students, genuine friends, part of our extended family. We laughed, smiled, playfully loved each other in the middle of the street. What a gift!

Alison S. T.
It's so lovely to meet people you love unexpectedly, that happened to me yesterday in the middle of the supermarket carpark. Glad you are having a delicious time wherever in the world you are ♥

Linda M.
I love that - yes meeting up with old friends is lovely. My oldest boy Tom and his girl are home today for lunch, he moved into his own place 3 weeks ago and its so lovely to have the noise and chat again - snow just started and its heavy in bonny Scotland. Keep cosy!xxx

Love and Learn: Curiosity

FROM DAVID:

Visualize: you're driving a car and you come to a stop sign. You stop at the sign a second or two before a man driving the car coming from the opposite direction half-stops then turns left right in front of you just as you start to go. You look to catch glance at his face, but it's too late. That faceless person nearly crashed into you! How do you see yourself reacting in a situation like that?

Jumping to conclusions is easy to do. Forming judgments based on those assumptions is easy to do, too. But trusting our guesswork is risky - after all, when we assume, we don't actually know. And from a state of unknowing, how we act/react is a neat viewfinder into how we operate. I love exploring why people, including me, do what they do. We're all these seriously high-tech machines (or high-nature, if you prefer) -- infinitely complex, intelligent, but we did not come with documentation or instructions. Shouldn't that mean that we know what we're doing, intrinsically, as our core functionality? Yet we're making up answers about why we exist as we go along. There are no outcomes we can predict. We are staged to learn. We are essentially lost, yet we are at home. Really, given our context, there is potential for anything to provoke and deserve our curiosity!

When digesting the word, "curious", my brain tends to fire down the neural pathway that leads to "George". With a little more consideration, it turns towards the idea of curiosity being synonymous with exploration. Digging deeper, I think that being curious about someone or something is a way of connecting, even loving. I remember the first few Option Process® Dialogues I did in the mentor role. Even with a cheat sheet of about 10 categorized questions to ask the person in front of me depending on where they left off in their exploration, I didn't know what to ask. I felt a little panicky - mostly, out of a fear of NOT asking the "right" question. I imagined that the perfect question would allow the explorer to go straight to their beliefs, solve their problem with their own beautiful answer. (You know, like watching butterflies and stardust in the sunlight.) I also judged myself for not being immediately successful with this simple and powerful process. With some steady practice in being a mentor, I began to see that being totally curious about the explorer, including how they operate in their world, helped me to feel capable as a mentor - a loving and curious person.

Let's say you find out that the reason that driver dissed you at that stop sign was that he was en route to the hospital where his wife was giving birth and was so focused on getting there, he didn't perceive that you arrived at the intersection first. Does that change your reaction? If it does, generalize that to the people in your closest relationships and imagine for a moment how being more curious about their actions, the meaning of their words, even body language, might change those relationships. Replacing assumptions with curiosity has changed how I see people that I thought I knew intimately. Of course, being curious doesn't mean harassing the people in our lives with rounds of clarifying questions, but coloring in our understanding with naturally flowing, non-judgmental, inquiry. Inquisitiveness does not necessarily beget inquisition! It creates an opening to love and learn where there is a tendency to fight or flee.

FROM BEARS: Circle of Friends

CIRCLE OF FRIENDS: Day 3, nestled on a mountainside, a mix of loving class-like dynamics, energetic discussions, deep dialogues, a pajama party with laughter/sweet tears/comfort food/Starbucks. We stay together, in one house, because we want to be together/10 plus best friends/family of choice while we also celebrate five decades of Samahria & me. Without exception, we're doing love first, then wonderful "whatevers." Love, Bears

Denise M.-F.
that sounds absolutely wonderful Bears. thanks for the inspiration!

Sherri Lynn D.
Oh, Denise you took my favorite word "absolutely". LOL. And, YES, I second that- what an absolutely wonderful way to be(live and cherish) with family and friends. Savor the moment!

Jan J. S.
Sounds wonderful for all of you-- Happy 50th of being together with your "main squeeze"!

Lisa A. M.
Happy 50th!!!

Terryann L.
HooRah... So wonderful to see everyone totally in Love with Life! I have , not one, but two new grand children this year...I am so very blessed...what a table we set for ourselves....xoxo

Shiranthi P.
Happy 50th!

Tali F. B.
Happy 50th anniversary Bears- what an extraordinary milestone to celebrate. Sending you and Samahria love!

Meghna B.
Happy 50th Anniversary, or as we say in India, Happy Golden Anniversary :) What a remarkable distance to have traveled together ... warm hugs and best wishes to you both!

Jessica H.
wow xx happy happy 50th and so many more xxxxxxxxxx

Ruth B.
Wonderful. Have fun lovely people xxxxx

Janet W.
Happy 50th many more to come hugs Janet Wolos and family

FROM BEARS: Celebrating Friends

CELEBRATING FRIENDS: We're a group of people who have loved each other for decades. We often work side-by-side/we say exactly what we think all the time/we create cradles of safety within & then with each other/we come together inspired by how we deeply & abiding choose each other. We're more than friends, we're brothers/sisters in a family of choice. We've gathered this week to celebrate how much we love each other. Love, Bears

Diana P. S.
Friends are the family we gift to ourselves.

Jim R.
We give thanks for your presence and profound teachings. Gratefully yours, Jim & Irene :) :)

Jenifer C. W.
We are so thankful that you found each other and have taught all of us to celebrate ourselves and those in our life that we are so grateful to have...your love for each other has been a shining beacon of love for us all...hugs and love to you both....

Gaby v. d. B.
Hi BEars, you often said that having a son-rise program gave you friends who were like family. Today I am truely humbled and feel like one of the happiest persons on earth.I had asked if any one of my team could help cleaning up. Not only have they helped me but they secretely booked me a weekend in a hotel and are taking care of my kids plus painting my house while I'll be having time for myself.It's awesome to know there are such wonderful people around and that I was so lucky to meet them!I was so lucky to have heard of son-rise and bringing all the volunteers who are like family for us too.Thanks for bringing son-rise to all us families. Love Gaby

Joan G.
And in doing so, we celebrate life...

Erin E.
You always know how to say it, Bears! Mike and I LOVED meeting with Samarhia at our Intensive a few weeks ago...but we sure missed you!

Satisfaction

FROM LORNA: It’s been two years since my son was diagnosed with Autism. If I would have been asked right then and there if I were satisfied, I would have promptly and emphatically said, “No! No way!” I mean, who is satisfied with that? At the time I was absolutely devastated.

Skip forward two years and that is precisely the question I was asked to ponder. Well, it wasn’t really a question, per se, but a statement. “You must be so satisfied, all the work you’ve done, and the time you’ve put in.”

In all honesty, I was a bit disarmed by the statement. Satisfied. Hmm. What did that mean to me? I had never thought about it quite in that way. Was I satisfied?

My response, in the moment, was to have my eyes tear up a bit and I said, “Yes. Yes, I am.” But the statement has been on my mind ever since. The fact of the matter is, I’ve been “satisfied” the moment I returned from my very first Son-Rise Program® training at The Option Institute.

Yes, my son has made great progress in his socialization. I do love seeing him interact with people. It hasn’t always been that way. However, the moment I finally understood everything about Autism and the moment I began to love and accept him for exactly who he was, I was SATISFIED. More than satisfied. I was crazy about this little boy and I was looking forward to the process of teaching him. I can say with all honesty that even if he never made any so-called “progress,” I would be satisfied. The process of playing with him in his Son-Rise playroom has been satisfaction personified. It’s been fun, and no matter what the outcome, it has irrevocably changed me.

It has taught me that I can be “satisfied” with anything in my life. It’s all in what I believe about it. I believed in so many false “truths” about Autism before I came to that magical place on the mountain. The place where miracles really do happen.

It has reinforced in me the belief that being in the moment is a path to pure bliss. Certainly that has been the case with my beautiful boy and all that he has brought to my life.

But, most importantly, I think, playing with my child the way that I do, has taught me how to love. How to really, REALLY love.

Who wouldn’t be satisfied with that?

How DO You Love?

FROM DAVID:

My latest learnings have been about how my concept of love has not been much of a concept at all. Really, if you came up to me and asked, "what is love?", I would start into it with conviction and end up with a sense of having vaguely described a black box. Or maybe a red box with glitter on the outside and velvet lining on the inside. But what's in that box?

The practical definition of love that Bears and The Option Institute teaches - accepting this person, wanting the best (their best for themselves) for this person, being useful to this person - gave me a real concept of love. Looking around at how love is depicted in movies, how other people express it, and observing myself in loving my wife, sons, family, and friends, I've become fascinated with love and how people do it. How do YOU do it?

As I interact with my son, Eidan, in his Son-Rise Program, which to me encompasses all of our togetherness, I continually ask myself a round-robin of questions, "am I loving Eidan as big as I can?" and "am I connecting?" and "am I being useful and user-friendly?" and "am I WITH Eidan, totally aware, present, and available?" I sometimes forget to check in with myself on these things and, at those times, Eidan clues me in by becoming exclusive, or recently, making an "unh-unh" (no) sound in response to whatever I'm doing.

With the Son-Rise Program promoting love and acceptance to a primary focus, and learning how to keep myself tuned in to the love frequency with Eidan, I thought I was kind of done with my learnings about love. Ha! ...and ha! again!! The Option Process is about learning to love yourself, Clyde said in a class at Extraordinary Man. Hmmmm, I thought. And I turned to myself and asked the same questions I ask when I'm with Eidan. Woah, I thought. Being useful to myself is not only ok, it's awesome! Being with myself, aware and present with myself ROCKS! Accepting myself: how I lie to myself, how I try to get what I want in unhappy ways, and how little I actually have looked at myself objectively... that's priceless. Especially in my love relationship with Jennifer!

It's clear: a fulfilling, beautiful, and connected life starts with getting real with ME. Not looking for reasons to beat myself up, but exposing the ways in which I feel powerless, fearful, or otherwise uncomfortable, and then using these opportunities by exploring them and finding answers as to what beliefs are behind them! In seeing, owning, and accepting all of me, I find new ways to be useful to myself and create excitement, joy, and love in my life.

YES, YES & YES - Three Times A Charm

FROM BEARS: I am sitting near the top of a mountain with my backpack. Across from me are three people, among many, whom I adore. Samahria -- my angel, my partner, my gift from the Universe. Gerd -- a dear friend and colleague for over 20 years, an awesome Son-Rise Program teacher. Bonnie -- who started at the Institute at 23, became both a certified Son-Rise Program Teacher and Certified Option Process Mentor..and who will be 50 years old next year. We have travel many roads together. Now, we sit together with hot chocolates and a cafe late -- in the distance are huge fields and meadows with goats and cows (the cows have bells around their necks which are constantly ring like a magic improvised symphony) -- a village nestled in the valley just below -- and snow & glacier-covered peaks surrounding us.

Bonnie notices me saying, in response to one of her questions: "Yes, yes, yes." She laughs and then suggests Gerd has been saying "yes, yes, yes" as well for over the past year. The waitress returns and I ask her if she ever says "yes, yes, yes" because a previous waitress, we noticed, said "no, no, no" in response to our question. This woman said she is from France and she just needs to say "no" or "yes" once -- period. She seemed very determined. The other waitress, from Switzerland, was the one who said no three times. Then another young woman, from Germany, said she says "ya, ya, ya" three times often but doesn't know why. We all laughed. All of which didn't explain why Gerd and I have been doing it for many, many months.

I thought for some time and realized that I feel very emphatic about jumping into life...about being fully engaged and committed. So, I liked saying my yes and my yes and my yes. Would one "yes" do it -- of course. But the continued affirmed commitment felt like an every bigger embrace of the notion: "yes, thank you." We are often not in charge of what comes our way but we are always in charge of how we respond. Yes -- is the affirmation of acceptance. Thank you -- was a statue of gratitude. YES, THANK YOU (even if it wasn't what I had expected or asked for or previously wanted). Yes, thank you -- meant I would embrace it, would find the opportunity in it and make it a personal blessing. YES, YES, YES.

I smiled at Bonnie and Gerd and my lovely, Samahria. YES, YES, YES -- to all of them. Yes, I love them. Yes, I am their dear and committed friend. And, yes, I will always be there for them. It felt warm and fuzzy and an honor to show up that way.

Love and smiles, Bears

Love the One You're With

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman):

There is no one more significant to love and appreciate than yourself. Love begins with you for you...then you can reach out and share that love with others.

With love and smiles, Bears (Co-Founder, The Option Institute)

From the Hard Times to the Sweet Times

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman): WHEN I HELD HER HAND,THE TOUCH FELT LIKE HOME. When I looked into her eyes, time became timeless. Today, yesterday, now, forever. Through the soft focus of my eyes, she looked no different than when I first gazed at her, at 17. Now 50 years had passed & we made our love endure & grow bigger. Why? Because we took ownership of our own confusions, unhappiness and expectations. Because, we worked diligently on becoming students of ourselves even as we faced challenges. Because we stayed the course, as imperfectly as that may have been, refusing to give up on ourselves and each other, even as we faced the challenges of autism, of adopting children from situations of trauma, of raising a rainbow family of awesome kids as we reached out to help other individuals, families and children. The Option Institute. The Son-Rise Program. The Autism Treatment Center of America. The sky above, the earth below, the sun and the moon, the comings and the goings.

Five decades. 50 years, this year. It feels like we are still beginning. Like infants so excited to learn more and keep growing. But none of this could have happened without that first look into her blue-green eyes, that first kiss, without the dedication to work through the hard times to find the sweet times...and now, times sweeter than I could have ever dreamed. I have been so hugely blessed to hold hands with my bride, my girlfriend, my best friend, Samahria, who has taught me so much about love, laughter and deep caring for those around us.

All these years, in this moment, seem no longer than a single flash of light in a midnight sky -- on a warm summer night -- just like tonight. The sky above, the earth below, the sun and the moon, the comings and the goings. What we all have is happening right now -- and now -- and now.

Ode to Samahria

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman): Samahria picked me to love when she was 17. When I presented my writing and ideas with intensity, she tickled me and laughed. When I hesitated, she said "jump."

When Raun became autistic, she joined him in his world (in a small bathroom) and helped us begin a three-and-a-half year journey that created a treatment revolution (The Son-Rise Program^®) for children with autism. When I suggested adopting yet another child of trauma as a way to express our gratitude for our blessings, she said "when?" When we started the Institute, she worked with me side-by-side as we created classes and curriculum as well as cleaned buildings and made beds for arriving participants.

When I have written my books about our work with families and children and what we and our staff teach to adults (Option Process^®), she has been more than my sounding board but my editor and biggest fan (and co-writer of one of those books and co-screenwriter of the Son-Rise movie). When I asked her to climb down a rope ladder on an ocean-liner during a storm in order to help my dying father, she took a deep breath, pushed through her fear and lowered herself right after me into a tiny fishing boat bobbing in the icy waves off the coast of Alaska.

And, when I am tired at night after teaching, doing sessions and meeting with staff all day (just as she had done), Samahria strolls into my office where I am still working, takes my hand gently and invites me to choose life and go to sleep. We're all blessed for a multitude of reasons. Helping individuals, families and children as best we can for decades is a continuous highlight of our lives. But my greatest blessing is to be loved by my very special life-long bride and best friend and sweet mama to all our children -- she loves me like no other, inspires me to do my best and builds bridges with me to our dreams.

Authenticity

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman): Authenticity, not people-pleasing, builds close relationships and safety. We have been taught to say what people want to hear, to mask our true selves and to focus on who we should be rather than being who we sincerely are. Actually, the key to creating loving and nourishing relationships is say what we really think and feel (hopefully, with kindness)...and be ourselves 100%. Solid/sincere/safe relationships!