FROM LORNA:
Unfortunately reality has nothing to do with what you would like to believe.
Someone said that to me recently.
What I have come to know is this: OUR REALITY IS COMPLETELY ABOUT WHAT WE BELIEVE.
To some, autism is a tragedy. To me, it has been a truly beautiful gift. So the opposite of tragic.
Same situation, differing beliefs. I'm much happier believing the latter and therefore my REALITY is much different.
Knowing that I have complete control over my reality is empowering! I can believe whatever I want in any given situation. Beliefs or so powerful, they can make or break you. And here is the kicker...no matter what I believe, I will suddenly find all sorts of evidence to support it. So why not choose an incredible set of beliefs so that I can have an INCREDIBLE REALITY?!?!?
So, FORTUNATELY, reality has EVERYTHING to do with what you would like to believe. EVERYTHING!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The Expanding Extraordinary Man
From David:
Cars, shops, restaurants, planes, office cubicles, rooms in our homes, almost anywhere in NYC... Modern life could be caricatured as a constant scurrying from one to another of these area-challenged spots.
At the Option Institute's Extraordinary Man program two weeks ago, I hiked up the mountain behind the Mountain House and felt a thrill as I gazed out at the vista - fog like whipped cream in the valleys and clear blue sky arched over me from the mountains in the distance. The expanse. Ahhhhhhhhh. Just looking at it made me giddy. "I want this!", I told myself.
"We see the world the way we are", says Bears. Before Extraordinary Man, my time in our Son-Rise Program playroom with my son, Eidan, had felt... can you guess? Yep, a bit area-challenged and as if I was scurrying around incessantly. It's awesome what a perfect mirror being in the playroom is! The thing to change was not my environment, but me. I was rushing everything, pushing out against a sense of being constricted within.
As I walked down the mountain that morning, the question to myself was, "How can I feel that sense of expanse that I want in my life?" And my answer was, "Start feeling the expanse from within, rather than continuing to run into walls, spin my wheels, and burn out." With that, a door opened - out walked Self-Limiting Man and in walked The Expanding Man.
I realize now that I had been shutting down my "deeper" wants, my naturally flowing self, because my intention was to do what I believed I was supposed to do, not what I wanted to do. In fact, part of what I was supposed to do was NOT do what I wanted to do. Flipping that to prioritize personal growth and loving myself, I am more useful to myself. Now, rather than being nearly exclusively focused on my beloved sons, my amazing wife, clients, coworkers, friends, housework, finances, and the checkout person at the grocery store, I have also been asking myself questions like "What do I want right now?" and "What do I think would happen if I went with that want?" My learning: being useful to myself ROCKS. I'm still getting things done, doing more of what I want, and living bigger and bigger!
Cars, shops, restaurants, planes, office cubicles, rooms in our homes, almost anywhere in NYC... Modern life could be caricatured as a constant scurrying from one to another of these area-challenged spots.
At the Option Institute's Extraordinary Man program two weeks ago, I hiked up the mountain behind the Mountain House and felt a thrill as I gazed out at the vista - fog like whipped cream in the valleys and clear blue sky arched over me from the mountains in the distance. The expanse. Ahhhhhhhhh. Just looking at it made me giddy. "I want this!", I told myself.
"We see the world the way we are", says Bears. Before Extraordinary Man, my time in our Son-Rise Program playroom with my son, Eidan, had felt... can you guess? Yep, a bit area-challenged and as if I was scurrying around incessantly. It's awesome what a perfect mirror being in the playroom is! The thing to change was not my environment, but me. I was rushing everything, pushing out against a sense of being constricted within.
As I walked down the mountain that morning, the question to myself was, "How can I feel that sense of expanse that I want in my life?" And my answer was, "Start feeling the expanse from within, rather than continuing to run into walls, spin my wheels, and burn out." With that, a door opened - out walked Self-Limiting Man and in walked The Expanding Man.
I realize now that I had been shutting down my "deeper" wants, my naturally flowing self, because my intention was to do what I believed I was supposed to do, not what I wanted to do. In fact, part of what I was supposed to do was NOT do what I wanted to do. Flipping that to prioritize personal growth and loving myself, I am more useful to myself. Now, rather than being nearly exclusively focused on my beloved sons, my amazing wife, clients, coworkers, friends, housework, finances, and the checkout person at the grocery store, I have also been asking myself questions like "What do I want right now?" and "What do I think would happen if I went with that want?" My learning: being useful to myself ROCKS. I'm still getting things done, doing more of what I want, and living bigger and bigger!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Hospital Fun While Possibly Having a Mini Stroke ?!?!?!
From River Abel: (these photos were shot earlier today . The 1st is a recreation of me attempting to pucker while shaving. The 2nd shows the current lost of facial muscle control. Aren't they a hoot !!! )
This past Friday afternoon my vision in my right eye started to get blurry. I can recall the exact moment. Sometimes this occurs due to sinus congestion. I didn't pay any attention to it and as time when on, the right side of my face began to tingle and eventually vent numb. I looked into the rear view mirror as I was driving to meet a friend for dinner and my right upper eye lid was drooping. Over dinner it was hard to chew on the right side and asked my friend if my face looked lopsided and I described how my face felt. He saw what I described and drew my attention to my inability to smile on the right side of my face. I laughed and said it was a good thing I was using a straw or I would be drooling all over myself. We casually played around with the idea that I might be having a mini stroke. After dinner was finished, my friend called his wife who is a nurse and described my symptoms. She urged me to seek immediate medical assistance as it could be a mini stroke or a small brain aneurysm occurring.
I dropped off my friend and began the 30 minute drive to the hospital of my choice. He had offered to go along or actually drive me, which I declined. As part of a reoccurring joke, he reminded me to drive carefully as he has "dibs" on my car if I died sooner rather later. Along the drive I began to reflect on the idea of who did I want to be in this experience and what kind of experience did I want to give myself. Certainly fear and anxiety were an option. And I knew I could do those emotions with great affect. I thought a bit more and easily became clear that I wanted to have enjoy myself. And that if this by chance was going to be my last night on earth, which could be any night actually, I wanted to have fun. And I wanted to say
"WEEEEEEEEEEE !!! " on my way out of this world ( thanks Dodge for that inspiration and visual from a chat long ago). I moved with gentleness into gratitude and randomly revisited memories of experiences that once pained me, challenged me and that I changed to something useful. I thought how I wanted to have great memories of this experience no matter what. My face continued with the blurred vision in the right eye, the droopy eyelid, numb cheek and a lop sided smile that felt nicely unfamiliar and comfortable.
Just as I expected, when I signed in at the emergency room and listed my condition as " I think I am having a mini stroke right now " I got some quick attention. I was whisked into the inner chambers after briefly completing some paperwork and laid flat on a gurney. Answered questions turned into more questions and answers and then a list of tests as my symptoms could point to many things: a mini stroke, a brain tumor, or bleeding of the brain. All the while I made sure I made eye contact with each person, remembering their name and being playful as we chatted. For just a moment a technician named Mike, who gave me my CAT scan, really thought I was serious when I told him I ordered a pizza to be delivered there any minute. He beamed once he got the joke. I assigned Derrick, the Orderly who pushed my gurney floor to floor for testing , the role of driver of my chariot as I held my hand up and announced maybe a bit too loud that we were to move forward and "on to Victory". Karen, who drew my blood, became my undercover spy and loved the role once I asked her who in any of the other rooms in the emergency ward could use some prayers at that moment. And then we prayed. The nurse who assisted me getting on and off the table for my MRI, Bridgette, got a yuck out of me telling her I was aware that she was checking my butt out as the back of the short flimsy hospital gown was wide open. I took photos with my cell phone of my distorted face and sent them to a friends asking them to join in the fun. The room I shared in the emergency ward was with an elderly woman, a short curtain separated us. She was badly dehydrated and had fallen asleep while receiving a series of IV drips. She was quite gaseous as she slept and I blamed her for the odor present when someone from the hospital came in the room even though I joined her in the farting with wild abandoned. Certainly I didn't want to anyone to think the abundant stink in the room had come from me, especially if this was my last night on earth. :-)
All things checked out fine ..... no signs of a stroke, no signs of internal brain bleeding, no brain tumor, etc. and my EKG was great and a decision was made by the Doctor that I had "Bell's Palsy" as it is often diagnosed by excluding other possibilities. I learned that it is a "dysfunction of the cranial nerve #7 that results in the inability to control the facial muscles on the affected side". No real reason is know for the cause but there are some theories and possible connections to Lyme disease which I will explore. After receiving a couple of prescriptions to support my immune system, reduce inflammation and some information I was sent home. My face still morphed out of shape, bleary eye, numb and sagging yet now having shifted to my left side of the face I learned that in most people the symptoms reverse withing 3 weeks to 3 months. Or not. They could be permanent. Right now I'm empowering my face to return to "normal" yet I am still considering the benefits if I decided to keep it out of sorts.
I returned home about 2 a.m. and I began to ask myself why I created, why I attracted, Bell's Palsy in my body. Some friends have wondered why I would even think in this manner and pretty much think it doesn't make sense. I ask you sweet reader to understand that , for me, I decided long ago only I have total control of my perceptions and beliefs. And I created the perception, turned up and empowered as a belief, that it is very useful for me to take ownership of the creation of all my life experiences to me. The thought behind this is borrowed from Samahria .... "everything happens for my benefit". So I'm a smart guy (no jokes please from those of you that know me... lol) and only want beneficial experiences in my life. So by owning that I created all my life experiences they automatically become beneficial! DUH !!! Now while this is my intent to view everything as beneficial , I am not 100% perfect in doing this. Yet !
I will continue more on of why I created Bell's Palsy in my body and why it's beneficial to me in my next blog posting which I will do by the end of this week.
Blog From Bears: YES, YES & YES - Three Times A Charm
YES, YES & YES -- THREE TIMES A CHARM. Blog From Bears
I am sitting near the top of a mountain with my backpack. Across from me are three people, among many, whom I adore. Samahria -- my angel, my partner, my gift from the Universe. Gerd -- a dear friend and colleague for over 20 years, an awesome Son-Rise Program teacher. Bonnie -- who started at the Institute at 23, became both a certified Son-Rise Program Teacher and Certified Option Process Mentor..and who will be 50 years old next year. We have travel many roads together. Now, we sit together with hot chocolates and a cafe late -- in the distance are huge fields and meadows with goats and cows (the cows have bells around their necks which are constantly ring like a magic improvised symphony) -- a village nestled in the valley just below -- and snow & glacier-covered peaks surrounding us.
Bonnie notices me saying, in response to one of her questions: "Yes, yes, yes." She laughs and then suggests Gerd has been saying "yes, yes, yes" as well for over the past year. The waitress returns and I ask her if she ever says "yes, yes, yes" because a previous waitress, we noticed, said "no, no, no" in response to our question. This woman said she is from France and she just needs to say "no" or "yes" once -- period. She seemed very determined. The other waitress, from Switzerland, was the one who said no three times. Then another young woman, from Germany, said she says "ya, ya, ya" three times often but doesn't know why. We all laughed. All of which didn't explain why Gerd and I have been doing it for many, many months.
I thought for some time and realized that I feel very emphatic about jumping into life...about being fully engaged and committed. So, I liked saying my yes and my yes and my yes. Would one "yes" do it -- of course. But the continued affirmed commitment felt like an every bigger embrace of the notion: "yes, thank you." We are often not in charge of what comes our way but we are always in charge of how we respond. Yes -- is the affirmation of acceptance. Thank you -- was a statue of gratitude. YES, THANK YOU (even if it wasn't what I had expected or asked for or previously wanted). Yes, thank you -- meant I would embrace it, would find the opportunity in it and make it a personal blessing. YES, YES, YES.
I smiled at Bonnie and Gerd and my lovely, Samahria. YES, YES, YES -- to all of them. Yes, I love them. Yes, I am their dear and committed friend. And, yes, I will always be there for them. It felt warm and fuzzy and an honor to show up that way.
Love and smiles, Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman, Option Institute/Autism Treatment Center of America/Son-Rise Program Co-Founder)
I am sitting near the top of a mountain with my backpack. Across from me are three people, among many, whom I adore. Samahria -- my angel, my partner, my gift from the Universe. Gerd -- a dear friend and colleague for over 20 years, an awesome Son-Rise Program teacher. Bonnie -- who started at the Institute at 23, became both a certified Son-Rise Program Teacher and Certified Option Process Mentor..and who will be 50 years old next year. We have travel many roads together. Now, we sit together with hot chocolates and a cafe late -- in the distance are huge fields and meadows with goats and cows (the cows have bells around their necks which are constantly ring like a magic improvised symphony) -- a village nestled in the valley just below -- and snow & glacier-covered peaks surrounding us.
Bonnie notices me saying, in response to one of her questions: "Yes, yes, yes." She laughs and then suggests Gerd has been saying "yes, yes, yes" as well for over the past year. The waitress returns and I ask her if she ever says "yes, yes, yes" because a previous waitress, we noticed, said "no, no, no" in response to our question. This woman said she is from France and she just needs to say "no" or "yes" once -- period. She seemed very determined. The other waitress, from Switzerland, was the one who said no three times. Then another young woman, from Germany, said she says "ya, ya, ya" three times often but doesn't know why. We all laughed. All of which didn't explain why Gerd and I have been doing it for many, many months.
I thought for some time and realized that I feel very emphatic about jumping into life...about being fully engaged and committed. So, I liked saying my yes and my yes and my yes. Would one "yes" do it -- of course. But the continued affirmed commitment felt like an every bigger embrace of the notion: "yes, thank you." We are often not in charge of what comes our way but we are always in charge of how we respond. Yes -- is the affirmation of acceptance. Thank you -- was a statue of gratitude. YES, THANK YOU (even if it wasn't what I had expected or asked for or previously wanted). Yes, thank you -- meant I would embrace it, would find the opportunity in it and make it a personal blessing. YES, YES, YES.
I smiled at Bonnie and Gerd and my lovely, Samahria. YES, YES, YES -- to all of them. Yes, I love them. Yes, I am their dear and committed friend. And, yes, I will always be there for them. It felt warm and fuzzy and an honor to show up that way.
Love and smiles, Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman, Option Institute/Autism Treatment Center of America/Son-Rise Program Co-Founder)
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Just LOVE 'Em
FROM LORNA: Ahhh…to be teaching high school again. As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I’ve recently returned to teaching high school art and graphic design after a 20 month leave of absence.
It’s always funny to me when I tell people I’m a high school teacher and their first reaction is , “Eww. That must be a hard job working with teens these days!” The look on their face is sheer disgust. It’s the face I would make if someone told me they cleaned port-a-potties for a living. But, in my experience as a high school teacher, teens get a bad rap. The majority of them are incredibly smart and articulate and exceptionally well-behaved.
But there is that small percentage of teens that are clearly unhappy in their lives and completely disappointed in the school system so they wreak havoc. I’ve always had one or two in each of my classes, and quite honestly, in the past, I didn’t particularly like them. I’d find myself in power struggles, in which, no matter what the outcome, nobody ever wins.
BUT…the one who LOVES the most WINS. Samahria’s quote was one that resonated with me this week when I found myself slipping into my old self with one of these students. I’ll call him “Nick.” Nick is argumentative. I swear if I went over to him and told him I’d give him $1000, I’m pretty sure he’d balk at what bank I was using and the types of bills I was giving him. From the moment he stepped foot in my classroom, he was clearly angry he had to be there, and he SOOOO didn’t want to participate in any of the activities I was offering.
But, I decided to love him anyway. Friday, I came to school with the intention to LOVE him, no matter what. So when I talked to him about how I was simply there to help him and I sincerely wanted him to be successful in this class and in life, I could actually feel a SHIFT in him. He suddenly had a sparkle in his eye. He didn’t stop being argumentative, but it seemed much more playful. When I asked Nick to help me pick up some items on the tables, he did it. I thanked him and he was quick to enthusiastically say “You’re welcome.”
Samahria, of course, is right. The one who loves the most definitely does WIN. No matter what the future brings for me and this kid, I will always feel GOOD about loving him. And with that, I will ALWAYS WIN.
It’s always funny to me when I tell people I’m a high school teacher and their first reaction is , “Eww. That must be a hard job working with teens these days!” The look on their face is sheer disgust. It’s the face I would make if someone told me they cleaned port-a-potties for a living. But, in my experience as a high school teacher, teens get a bad rap. The majority of them are incredibly smart and articulate and exceptionally well-behaved.
But there is that small percentage of teens that are clearly unhappy in their lives and completely disappointed in the school system so they wreak havoc. I’ve always had one or two in each of my classes, and quite honestly, in the past, I didn’t particularly like them. I’d find myself in power struggles, in which, no matter what the outcome, nobody ever wins.
BUT…the one who LOVES the most WINS. Samahria’s quote was one that resonated with me this week when I found myself slipping into my old self with one of these students. I’ll call him “Nick.” Nick is argumentative. I swear if I went over to him and told him I’d give him $1000, I’m pretty sure he’d balk at what bank I was using and the types of bills I was giving him. From the moment he stepped foot in my classroom, he was clearly angry he had to be there, and he SOOOO didn’t want to participate in any of the activities I was offering.
But, I decided to love him anyway. Friday, I came to school with the intention to LOVE him, no matter what. So when I talked to him about how I was simply there to help him and I sincerely wanted him to be successful in this class and in life, I could actually feel a SHIFT in him. He suddenly had a sparkle in his eye. He didn’t stop being argumentative, but it seemed much more playful. When I asked Nick to help me pick up some items on the tables, he did it. I thanked him and he was quick to enthusiastically say “You’re welcome.”
Samahria, of course, is right. The one who loves the most definitely does WIN. No matter what the future brings for me and this kid, I will always feel GOOD about loving him. And with that, I will ALWAYS WIN.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION?
Blog From Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman) --
FAILURE IN NOT AN OPTION?
Imagine if you decide, that you cannot fail. Seriously! You decide it's not an option. What if -- failure doesn't exist in the real world but only within the world of our beliefs? Sometimes, we take a test but don't get a passing grade. Sometimes, we ask someone for a date and they say no. Sometimes, we apply for jobs and are not hired. Sometimes, we decide we're not going to order desert after a meal and then do it anyway. Sure, we could use this as a list of personal failures. We didn't hit the mark or reach the goal. But why do we call that failure? We could celebrate that we took the test or went for the job interview or asked for that date. We could notice that stepping out and reach out is a lovely, life-affirming endeavor. And that GETTING (although we want what we want) is not the be-all, end-all of the most effective and self-nourishing way to define ourselves.
Suppose we create a different criteria of self-assessment. It's all about BEING and DOING and not about GETTING. Yes, we'll get what we reach for from time to time, but we don't have to use that as the way to characterize the wonder (or lack thereof) of who we are. Imagine if you we teaching a child to dance and every time they did the dance step not in accordance to a defined form, imagine then calling that child a failure ("Hey, dummy, what's your problem"). C'mon -- it probably wouldn't enter your mind. You might find yourself saying: "good shot," "terrific movement," "hey, you're stepping out but let's turn instead of going forward." You'd note the effort spent, probably celebrate the effort and give more guidance, maybe while you're smiling and in sincere awe of a youngster doing the best she can to dance. So, if you'd give that child such love and celebration...why not extend the same kindness and appreciation to ourselves?
`
Hey, what about you never failed? Yes, you judged and when you judged what you missed or didn't accomplished, you called that a failure -- probably to motivate yourself to do better next time. What about every effort, no matter what or when expended, is worthy of your delight praise (celebration) and respect? Wouldn't you do that when you are playing with a baby or a toddler? Wouldn't you do that for someone who has a stroke and is learning to walk again?
C'mon, let's give ourselves a break. Tough task masters who judge are not the best teachers...not for others, not for ourselves. Actually, acceptance and love greases the wheels of learning and change most effectively. We could say that acceptance and love is by far the most important attitudinal educational tool on the planet -- yet, at the same time, it not merely under-rated, it's often ignored.
Okay...so the next time we (you, me) or anyone we're with (spouse, partner, friend, child, parent, neighbor, teacher, waitress, bank teller, cab driver) attempts to do anything (yes, yes, I mean anything), let's just give it a standing ovation. No kidding. Get on our feet and start applauding. No failure happening or entertained. Any movement or behavior taken is a movement or behavior worth noting and celebrating. And, get this -- standing still or remaining in a seated position is also a behavior.
Am I suggesting that we become indiscriminate? Not exactly. We can lobby and do everything we can to support life and kindness verses violence and hate. At the same time, we can see effort, any effort, as the journey of life and not require getting as the reason to see and enjoy the bounty of who we are and who the people are that are in our lives at any given moment.
Ah, what freedom. Ah, what self-appreciation and love. Ah, what nourishing kindness.
Love and smiles, Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman/Co-Founder Option Institute/Autism Treatment Center of America/Son-Rise Program)
FAILURE IN NOT AN OPTION?
Imagine if you decide, that you cannot fail. Seriously! You decide it's not an option. What if -- failure doesn't exist in the real world but only within the world of our beliefs? Sometimes, we take a test but don't get a passing grade. Sometimes, we ask someone for a date and they say no. Sometimes, we apply for jobs and are not hired. Sometimes, we decide we're not going to order desert after a meal and then do it anyway. Sure, we could use this as a list of personal failures. We didn't hit the mark or reach the goal. But why do we call that failure? We could celebrate that we took the test or went for the job interview or asked for that date. We could notice that stepping out and reach out is a lovely, life-affirming endeavor. And that GETTING (although we want what we want) is not the be-all, end-all of the most effective and self-nourishing way to define ourselves.
Suppose we create a different criteria of self-assessment. It's all about BEING and DOING and not about GETTING. Yes, we'll get what we reach for from time to time, but we don't have to use that as the way to characterize the wonder (or lack thereof) of who we are. Imagine if you we teaching a child to dance and every time they did the dance step not in accordance to a defined form, imagine then calling that child a failure ("Hey, dummy, what's your problem"). C'mon -- it probably wouldn't enter your mind. You might find yourself saying: "good shot," "terrific movement," "hey, you're stepping out but let's turn instead of going forward." You'd note the effort spent, probably celebrate the effort and give more guidance, maybe while you're smiling and in sincere awe of a youngster doing the best she can to dance. So, if you'd give that child such love and celebration...why not extend the same kindness and appreciation to ourselves?
`
Hey, what about you never failed? Yes, you judged and when you judged what you missed or didn't accomplished, you called that a failure -- probably to motivate yourself to do better next time. What about every effort, no matter what or when expended, is worthy of your delight praise (celebration) and respect? Wouldn't you do that when you are playing with a baby or a toddler? Wouldn't you do that for someone who has a stroke and is learning to walk again?
C'mon, let's give ourselves a break. Tough task masters who judge are not the best teachers...not for others, not for ourselves. Actually, acceptance and love greases the wheels of learning and change most effectively. We could say that acceptance and love is by far the most important attitudinal educational tool on the planet -- yet, at the same time, it not merely under-rated, it's often ignored.
Okay...so the next time we (you, me) or anyone we're with (spouse, partner, friend, child, parent, neighbor, teacher, waitress, bank teller, cab driver) attempts to do anything (yes, yes, I mean anything), let's just give it a standing ovation. No kidding. Get on our feet and start applauding. No failure happening or entertained. Any movement or behavior taken is a movement or behavior worth noting and celebrating. And, get this -- standing still or remaining in a seated position is also a behavior.
Am I suggesting that we become indiscriminate? Not exactly. We can lobby and do everything we can to support life and kindness verses violence and hate. At the same time, we can see effort, any effort, as the journey of life and not require getting as the reason to see and enjoy the bounty of who we are and who the people are that are in our lives at any given moment.
Ah, what freedom. Ah, what self-appreciation and love. Ah, what nourishing kindness.
Love and smiles, Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman/Co-Founder Option Institute/Autism Treatment Center of America/Son-Rise Program)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
FROM BEARS: The Dreamer / The Talker / The Doer
Everyone grabbed a sign and displayed it on their chests during our morning Extraordinary Man class. Each sign represented their main MAN-BRAND that signified how each man in the room has previously (previous to this program) showed up in their lives. THE FAKER. THE FIXER. THE WIMP. STEADFAST. THE WOMANIZER. THE LOVER. THE CONTROLLER. THE PEACEMAKER. THE PEOPLE-PLEASER. THE CONFUSED ONE. INDECISIVE. THE TEACHER. THE WOBBLER. THE PACK MULE. SENSITIVE ONE.
The purpose of our man-brands -- to identify, then claim ownership and then seek to understand why we choose these positions and posturing as men. Not so much only as men, but as people -- with a specific gender-orientation. Be strong (at least appear strong). Don't show emotion. Anger is okay but not fear (though we're often fearful). We want to love but showing loving gestures could be a sign of weakness. We want to be gentle and tender but we've had little or no guidance or training on how to do this.
We are where we are...the sum total of all the man-beliefs we've learned and then empowered. But we come to understand we can change our beliefs...and thus change our man-brands. We can put aside the fixer and the faker, the controller and the peacemaker and ask ourselves (as we did and will continue to do all week) -- how do we want to be a man going forward?.
Each of us looks inside (no longer looking outside for the answers or approval). It's not about being our father's version of men...or some societal or tribal should. It's about me being me...you being you. It's about new options and new choices and new beliefs. It peeling away the onion of masculinity and getting to the core of what we yearn to be and experience. And then creating (or re-creating) ourselves. We're on our way -- because we're tossing what doesn't work for us and replacing limiting beliefs and visions with new core value and priorities.
One man had the sign this morning -- The Dreamer. Some of us thought that was inspiring. Later I suggested: "It is not the talker or the dreamer who makes a difference in their own lives and in the world; it is the one who goes out and does their talk and does their dream. It's not about the chatter; it's about the doing. We will be known and remembered not so much for what we said but for what we did."
And old Chinese proverb: The people who say it can't be done should get out of the way of the people who are doing it. Change is possible. Radical change is possible -- now. First you have to want it, then believe it's possible, then begin doing it...one step at a time. For almost 28 years, thousands of people have taken such steps at the Option Institute. What a blessing!!!
Love, Bears
The purpose of our man-brands -- to identify, then claim ownership and then seek to understand why we choose these positions and posturing as men. Not so much only as men, but as people -- with a specific gender-orientation. Be strong (at least appear strong). Don't show emotion. Anger is okay but not fear (though we're often fearful). We want to love but showing loving gestures could be a sign of weakness. We want to be gentle and tender but we've had little or no guidance or training on how to do this.
We are where we are...the sum total of all the man-beliefs we've learned and then empowered. But we come to understand we can change our beliefs...and thus change our man-brands. We can put aside the fixer and the faker, the controller and the peacemaker and ask ourselves (as we did and will continue to do all week) -- how do we want to be a man going forward?.
Each of us looks inside (no longer looking outside for the answers or approval). It's not about being our father's version of men...or some societal or tribal should. It's about me being me...you being you. It's about new options and new choices and new beliefs. It peeling away the onion of masculinity and getting to the core of what we yearn to be and experience. And then creating (or re-creating) ourselves. We're on our way -- because we're tossing what doesn't work for us and replacing limiting beliefs and visions with new core value and priorities.
One man had the sign this morning -- The Dreamer. Some of us thought that was inspiring. Later I suggested: "It is not the talker or the dreamer who makes a difference in their own lives and in the world; it is the one who goes out and does their talk and does their dream. It's not about the chatter; it's about the doing. We will be known and remembered not so much for what we said but for what we did."
And old Chinese proverb: The people who say it can't be done should get out of the way of the people who are doing it. Change is possible. Radical change is possible -- now. First you have to want it, then believe it's possible, then begin doing it...one step at a time. For almost 28 years, thousands of people have taken such steps at the Option Institute. What a blessing!!!
Love, Bears
Monday, August 16, 2010
Back to School
FROM LORNA: I returned to teaching high school today after a 20 month hiatus. I knew it would be a different experience for me this time, for sure. After all, I’ve been studying, practicing and loving the Option Process in those 20 months I was gone.
I’m already a different teacher.
I could feel it. My students, I’m positive, could feel it. I’m sure they were wondering, Who was this lady that was so loving to ALL of them? I truly felt love for all of them. It used to bug me when a student asked me what time class was over (and someone seems to ALWAYS ask this). But this time, I smiled and said, “Cool that you ask! You clearly are going to have to be my timekeeper! Every day, your job will be to let me know when class is almost over. Right on!” He smiled and agreed!
My curriculum was different, too. Usually I plan ALL business the first day of school. All syllabi and class rules and such. I scrapped it all today for a really easy going “getting to know you” activity. We all enjoyed ourselves. And, low and behold, I actually found a few things out about my students! One said he liked seafood, but not fish! (I laughed at that!) Another wants to get a tattoo of an angel on his back in honor of his mother. She’s still alive, by the way. He joked he was a mama’s boy. Who knew it could be so fun??
I decided today that, while I will strive to teach my subject in the best way that I can, I’m more concerned in teaching these beautiful teens HOW TO BE. And I’m going to model it for them every day.
I’m already a different teacher.
I could feel it. My students, I’m positive, could feel it. I’m sure they were wondering, Who was this lady that was so loving to ALL of them? I truly felt love for all of them. It used to bug me when a student asked me what time class was over (and someone seems to ALWAYS ask this). But this time, I smiled and said, “Cool that you ask! You clearly are going to have to be my timekeeper! Every day, your job will be to let me know when class is almost over. Right on!” He smiled and agreed!
My curriculum was different, too. Usually I plan ALL business the first day of school. All syllabi and class rules and such. I scrapped it all today for a really easy going “getting to know you” activity. We all enjoyed ourselves. And, low and behold, I actually found a few things out about my students! One said he liked seafood, but not fish! (I laughed at that!) Another wants to get a tattoo of an angel on his back in honor of his mother. She’s still alive, by the way. He joked he was a mama’s boy. Who knew it could be so fun??
I decided today that, while I will strive to teach my subject in the best way that I can, I’m more concerned in teaching these beautiful teens HOW TO BE. And I’m going to model it for them every day.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
GOOD ENOUGH AS I AM ENOUGH
From River Abel:
" JUST BE " said the bearded wonder repeatedly during a guided meditation presented as part of a program I took years ago at the Option Institute. The program was held at The Option House where most of the classes were held at that time. Upon opening my eyes at the end of the meditation, I saw my fellow participants scattered around in various forms of relaxation, sitting, leaning against a backjack, legs up on a bolster, laying flat on the floor ... and they all seemed to get it. I knew they did got "it" cause I was judging myself for not. I never questioned if they all got "it", I just made up that they did so I could add another layer of judgement atop my judgment. Gotta keep motivating myself with negativity, don't you see ? Anyway ... back to the "it". I didn't get "it". I just didn't . I didn't have a clue as to what " Just be " meant, was supposed to mean or what I was to do with "it". Did I raise my hand and ask? Nah. I was judging myself for not understanding and never to this day have asked anyone about it.
While walking through the snow to the Mountain House for lunch that day, I thought more about "Just be " . "Just be " what or who? Well I knew that I could morph myself into being what specific people wanted me to be , because that was the way I got acceptance, felt loved by others. I was really good at it too as my own personal level of comfort and happiness was on the line. I frequently did " if so & so likes me, interacts with me, engages me then that means I am good enough". Feeling accepted or rejected was huge for me. Oh yeah .... let's not forget about the belief that virtually always kept myself in the land of not good enough: Often before I would meet someone new or about to spend time with someone I did know, I made up that they were going to judge something about me, so as a way to build a commonality with them , a way to build a connection, I would judge myself first. By doing this I could feel accepted as we both were judging that something was wrong with me. So I did know ! I knew I was great at doing " Just be " by becoming what someone else wanted me to be. And in a very fragile way I was continually walking on egg shells cause my self acceptance was on the line way. I was being who I thought the other person wanted me to be so I could have fleeting moments of feeling that I was good enough. I was indeed a chameleon and would change myself for approval and acceptance seemingly instantly from person to person.
I have thought about this topic quite a few times over the years as I continued to wonder about its meaning. Within the past few months I left a job that I had for almost 28 years with the same employer. I can hear some you that know me saying "FINALLY !" as I've I moaned, groaned, whined, bitched, finger pointed, cried, did depression and anxiety, gained weight, disengaged from most friends and my social life, etc., over that job since my first Option program in 1994. I now know and own that I was prioritizing being a victim as I did all that drama verses deciding to change my job. And I also know that I was again doing fragility and feeling not good enough and kept myself stuck because I was doing " Just be " based upon outside approval. Certainly throughout the years I made many other changes and dramatically improved my life based through my Option learnings and experiences. Yet I continued being a victim as far as my job was for all those years.
So I created a great deal of clarity, stopped doing fear and embraced myself more than I have in years and quit my former job. Oh yes, there was some drama and victimhood in recent months. I don't judge myself for it though. I celebrate my path and recognize that my decision to leave and start a new career as a Life Coach as one of the best decisions of my life. And a significant and powerful current of my creation buoyantly supports me as I move forward. A current that I had in so many ways and on countless occasions abdicated for many years of my life. A current of self love and a passion for what I am doing with my life.
As I've been writing this over the course of a day or two, I created another version of " Just be" for myself. I'm am now doing " Just be me". Me . Yup. Me. Me with self love as the navigator of my life. Me teaching myself to stop diminishing my wantings . Me empowering myself with greater clarity and purpose. Me that does not judge myself when I get unhappy. Me to fall down; get back up and keeping moving forward. Me to connect with others. Me to dance and be alive. Me to screw up with my friends, own it and discuss it with them . Me to enjoy being me. Me to put myself out there in the world and know that I can take care of myself. Me to remember what I like and love about myself. Me to look for ways to honor myself on a daily basis. Me to stop holding on so tight and clinging. Me to trust myself. Me to relax. Me to enjoy food as nourishment and not an anesthetic to block the pain. Me to shine. Me to do things because I want to, not because I have to. Me to recognize that my elderly mother clings, battles and does defensiveness and that it only tells me something about her. Me to forget that about my mother and to not judge myself for judging her. Me to be obese as I am and not judge myself for it. Me to remember that I will find, create, other ways to take care of myself besides eating. Me to create new friendship. Me to create income and fiscal stability. Me to be authentically me. Me to be me as I am enough.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Exceptional Woman, Here I Come!!
FROM LORNA: Every single one of my girlfriends has at one time or another (including me) grabbed a portion of their body (as if they’re kneading bread) and proclaimed, “I’m fat.” I’m pretty certain I know what fat looks like (or do I?), and NONE OF US are even close to being fat.
What is that about?
I have some theories. Mass media portraying beauty as stick thin might be one culprit. Our mother’s obsessing about their weight might be another. The constant advertising of “fat free” and fad diets certainly is 'feeding' into it (pun intended).
But what is really going on? I want to know. I want to rid myself of these negative thoughts about my body. I need to explore my personal beliefs so that all of those external messages won’t penetrate my TRUE BEAUTY.
Exceptional Woman here I come! What better place to explore this part of myself than with loving, accepting, GLORIOUS WOMEN! I can’t wait! My life as I know it will be forever changed by this amazing journey with my soul sisters.
Will I see YOU there???
What is that about?
I have some theories. Mass media portraying beauty as stick thin might be one culprit. Our mother’s obsessing about their weight might be another. The constant advertising of “fat free” and fad diets certainly is 'feeding' into it (pun intended).
But what is really going on? I want to know. I want to rid myself of these negative thoughts about my body. I need to explore my personal beliefs so that all of those external messages won’t penetrate my TRUE BEAUTY.
Exceptional Woman here I come! What better place to explore this part of myself than with loving, accepting, GLORIOUS WOMEN! I can’t wait! My life as I know it will be forever changed by this amazing journey with my soul sisters.
Will I see YOU there???
Rocking with Exceptional Women
FROM SAMAHRIA:
I want to have this conversation with the women out there. Over the years, I've worked hard to learn the gifts and special characteristics of the woman species, which is not a statement against the male species. They are gifted as well - with their own specialness. But right now, I'm referring to only women - because the Exceptional Woman program is almost here (the week of September 19th) and so I have a heightened awareness of women's issues, as I listen to their fears, judgments and prayers... which are very similar to each other.
Who would we be if we highlighted the most cherished aspects of ourselves (hopefully, we have at least one thing that we love in or about ourselves) - and made those parts really BIG in our minds, while at the same time we unleashed all of those parts we hide and judge... Yes! I mean let them out, let them show, give them a voice we can hear and a face we can look at. The idea would be to be willing to see all of ourselves - and not judge it. When people verbalize what they really think about themselves, it's never the bad they imagined in their minds and suspected would be terrible if others knew. Once it's out there (a belief), then we have the opportunity to drop our judgment about it (even for the moment), embrace it, understand it, put it into a clear perspective, and then finally let it go - and in its place, create a more useful and supportive way of seeing ourselves (a new belief) and that there are choices we can make to better take care of ourselves.
Women are generally taught beliefs encouraging them to place themselves at the bottom of the "to care for" list; otherwise, we are considered selfish or self-absorbed. Essentially, be there for others before being there for ourselves! Hey, it's not working. We feel burnt out, unmotivated, victimized, pressured and turned off. Nobody's gaining from not nurturing ourselves. We can actually be more loving, clearer, happier and more powerful if we took good care of ourselves FIRST, so we can be there, when we choose, to support others.
We really do have the ability to re-create ourselves as the people we most want to be - at ANY age. That's why I created the Exceptional Woman program ... to hold hands with other women who want to stop judging themselves, be supported by other women who understand and want to change as well, and to provide a uniquely safe and loving environment in which each woman can feel comfortable enough to let go of fears and allow their power to be tapped. By learning to trust other aspects of ourselves that are more useful and life-affirming, the judgments with which we've punished ourselves melt away.
Join us to support, express, enhance and delight in ourselves - with other Exceptional women.
Hoping to see you soon - and build ourselves together.
With much love,
Samahria
I want to have this conversation with the women out there. Over the years, I've worked hard to learn the gifts and special characteristics of the woman species, which is not a statement against the male species. They are gifted as well - with their own specialness. But right now, I'm referring to only women - because the Exceptional Woman program is almost here (the week of September 19th) and so I have a heightened awareness of women's issues, as I listen to their fears, judgments and prayers... which are very similar to each other.
Who would we be if we highlighted the most cherished aspects of ourselves (hopefully, we have at least one thing that we love in or about ourselves) - and made those parts really BIG in our minds, while at the same time we unleashed all of those parts we hide and judge... Yes! I mean let them out, let them show, give them a voice we can hear and a face we can look at. The idea would be to be willing to see all of ourselves - and not judge it. When people verbalize what they really think about themselves, it's never the bad they imagined in their minds and suspected would be terrible if others knew. Once it's out there (a belief), then we have the opportunity to drop our judgment about it (even for the moment), embrace it, understand it, put it into a clear perspective, and then finally let it go - and in its place, create a more useful and supportive way of seeing ourselves (a new belief) and that there are choices we can make to better take care of ourselves.
Women are generally taught beliefs encouraging them to place themselves at the bottom of the "to care for" list; otherwise, we are considered selfish or self-absorbed. Essentially, be there for others before being there for ourselves! Hey, it's not working. We feel burnt out, unmotivated, victimized, pressured and turned off. Nobody's gaining from not nurturing ourselves. We can actually be more loving, clearer, happier and more powerful if we took good care of ourselves FIRST, so we can be there, when we choose, to support others.
We really do have the ability to re-create ourselves as the people we most want to be - at ANY age. That's why I created the Exceptional Woman program ... to hold hands with other women who want to stop judging themselves, be supported by other women who understand and want to change as well, and to provide a uniquely safe and loving environment in which each woman can feel comfortable enough to let go of fears and allow their power to be tapped. By learning to trust other aspects of ourselves that are more useful and life-affirming, the judgments with which we've punished ourselves melt away.
Join us to support, express, enhance and delight in ourselves - with other Exceptional women.
Hoping to see you soon - and build ourselves together.
With much love,
Samahria
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Love the One You're With
FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman):
There is no one more significant to love and appreciate than yourself. Love begins with you for you...then you can reach out and share that love with others.
With love and smiles, Bears (Co-Founder, The Option Institute)
There is no one more significant to love and appreciate than yourself. Love begins with you for you...then you can reach out and share that love with others.
With love and smiles, Bears (Co-Founder, The Option Institute)
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