From Bears: Authenticity is a choice

AUTHENTICITY, NOT PEOPLE-PLEASING, BUILDS CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS AND SAFETY. We have been taught to say what people want to hear, to mask our true selves and to focus on who we should be rather than being who we sincerely are. Actually, the key to creating loving and nourishing relationships is say what we really think and feel (hopefully, with kindness)...and be ourselves 100%. Solid/sincere/safe relationships!

When we live authentically, we never have to live in fear of being “found out.” We’re already congruent inside and out. Then, we get to be loved for who we are, not for who we pretend to be. Additionally, authenticity is like breathing fully; inauthenticity is holding back, hiding, suffocating. And yes, there are consequences to authenticity (honest interactions, people knowing who we are and choosing to be with us and not be with us). And yes, there are consequences to inauthenticity (isolation, fraud, fear). Neither is way is “the way.” We have choice and the choice to be authentic or inauthentic leads to very different destinations. Love, Bears

Comments:

Ryan P.- I needed to read this. Very refreshing. Thank you!

Billy D. - I enjoy your posts immensely. :0) Even if i don't always comment, i read them all. Take care of yourself, Love Billy and family x x x x

Genell B. P. - Ahhh...Radical Authenticity was my favorite class!!!! It is the only way to fly! xoxoxoxoox Freedom! xoxoxooxox Thank You! xoxoxoxooxox :)

John J S. - ABSOLUTELY!!! Thank you so very much Bears. Best always!

Paige P. - Hi Bears-thank you for posting these comments. The way each comment was phrased really helped me fully understand the meaning of authenticity and in authenticity. I am excited and ready for this week. I am completely open and willing to listen without defense. This class is going to be amazing even though someone my spot a part of me that I never wanted to look at before. It is only an opportunity to benefit from and look deeper inside. I will show up completely present and I am definitely bringing my inner-strength diary. I can't tell you enough how much the Option Process has changed my life. I am so glad I made the choice to spend my summer vacation taking classes here. I love you, Bears-see you in the morning.

Nico P.- Dear Paige, way to go! I'm so happy to see you shine, share, and love yourself. I am hugging you all the way from California. Have a fabulous week! LOVE, Nico

Kelli P.- Bears... exactly the journey I am on. Where does "people pleasing" vs. "being authentic" create distance in my relationships... and not a coincidence that I am re-reading "Happiness is a Choice" and happen to be in that section when you posted this :). Thank you for the inquiry, the ride, and the love and support along the way.

Alison S. T. - I'm not sure I understand quite what being authentic actually means. Does it mean that we have no secrets, nothing that we keep from other people? Are we therefore to be an open book about every detail of our lives? What about things that we have no choice about keeping to ourselves, how do we deal with that without isolating ourselves and feeling like we are hiding?

Rekha N. - Love it, love you Paige, love you Nico, love you Alison, love you Billy and of course love you Bears.xxx

Larry B. - Alison, what do you mean by isolating, when you are authentically behaving and reflecting who you are and what you are really about? I believe the topic refers to be a) true to a useful purpose, (like why we're here, alive) and not deceptive to ourselves about what we're choosing to do to ourselves, and not deceiving ourselves pretending that externals 'make' us feel the way we do. Hugs

Alison S. T. - Thanks for your answer Larry, I'm still not sure I understand, are you saying that authenticity is about our relationship with ourselves - I know who I am - or is it about how I present myself to other people. What I was wondering is whether to not share certain aspects of our lives with other people was inauthentic. Do we need to make all of our lives public knowledge in order to be authentic. Certainly not sharing our problems leads to us feeling isolated as nobody knows and understands what we face. Sometimes not sharing things has a purpose though.

Larry B. - my take/make up is everything one does, one does for a reason based on a chosen belief as to how best to take care of oneself. Being authentic, about this, owning that how one experiences anything, is but a matter of 'doing oneself,' their emotional experience of whatever, which often supports a parallel physical expression to some degree. Its about being authentic about accepting ownership vs pretending externals rule the flavor of our experience. imho :)

Alison S.T. - Thanks Larry for replying, if I understand what you are saying then you are defining authenticity as being clear about exactly who is responsible for your own emotional experience - it is down to us as individuals to be responsible for ourselves. Which I totally agree with. I think Bears is adding in something extra into that thought in terms of how we show up when relating to others, that what we show to others as being a presentation of ourselves is the same as what we know on the inside to be our actual self - no pretence, no masks to hide what we consider to be an unattractive side to ourselves. But I was wondering whether that thought goes as far as suggesting that we are totally open about everything in our lives, that nothing is considered private information that we wouldn't share. What do you think?

Larry B. - lol.....yes, it seems some have a sort of unease about silence, or as if need to announce every bowl movement....sort of like not having any thing else to discuss or to explore..... perhaps one could explore what one is looking for, motivation for, feeling one ought to take up their moment, and the moment of others, without any particular interest being expressed by the other, lest it is joy, gratitude, ok-ness for the present moment. Ain't it fun what we can do to ourselves emotionally? hugs...

Larry B. - As to your seemingly deleted post Alison, the age old question which came first the chicken or the egg comes to mind. My take/make is all motivation ultimately is self motivation. in other words, 'what's in it for me', tends to rule. Being authentic, and good to myself Karmically, or emotionally, as in being of service. (quality and quantity being the measurement) In this equasion first one has to have a healthy respect and love of self to have it to give or share.

To set oneself up expecting that if I do good, then It will make me ok seems to me to put oneself in a potentially victim role, waiting for acknowledgment that one did something of service. Anyways this is how I make it up, for me, smiles

Alison S. T. - I didn't delete it Larry, that wasn't what I meant by my comment, we can love ourselves without loving others or needing the feedback. But the two do go together well

Larry B.- smilingly found the post on another thread. t/u 4 understanding.......

Alison S. T.- No worries Larry, thanks for all your thoughts.

: )

Karen S. - I hope you don't mind, but I am borrowing this. I would like to share it with my friends. I will let them know the author. Well said Bears.

From Bears - The "truth"

A compelling phenomenon: the "truth." The problem with the truth is that it appears to be a moving target -- a perception ingested through our belief filters. Thus, from each person's vantage point there is a formulated viewpoint. That's fascinating. The glitch is when we call our viewpoint the "truth," we enter the realm of self-righteousness (we're right, you're wrong). It's about how we show up.

What would happen if it's not about who is ever right or wrong (that's just a make belief created by the believer), but it's all about our purposes and our principles and how we deliver in accordance to them. Thus, we'd never need to scold... or condemn (or be unhappy about what others do or don't do) -- but love and take whatever action we thought made sense to us. No right. No wrong. Just about how people choose to show up -- or don't. One student last week got very angry because he thought he knew the truth...hummm. Seems like truth didn't deliver joy or love for him because it's not about truth (that moving, make-believe target). It's about choosing happiness irregardless of what we think we know (or don't know). Possible alternatives: which is more important -- to be "right" and angry or to be happy? Love, Bears

Comments:

Toni L. T. - like your books title says...Happiness Is A Choice....we forgot that and expect others to make us happy! I love to read your posts! Thanks so much!

Sherri L. D. - My answer: To be happy and to never stop exploring the opportunities that await us each day of our lives. The "truth" can often get in the way of what we truly WANT, even destroy relationships, and cause hardships. I want to be happy and treasure every moment that I have with my beautiful children, loving husband, devoted mother, and dear friends.

Paula Ann S. - There is no such word as" irregardless"...

Pessy G. - So interesting Bears. I struggled with this concept during Radical Authenticity. I believe there's a distinct difference between belief and truth. The difference to me is that truth is constant, never changing, as in G-d's word. Beliefs are subject to change based on how we perceive things.

Jeannie R. - In the past, I spent a lot of time in my life being "right" and angry. Now, 1000%, I totally prefer happiness!!! It feels great, and is amazingly easy--simply a choice.

Shaun K. - then any belief would be a form of self righteousness, provided a belief is something one holds to be "true" no? (i would agree) belief biˈlēf noun 1 an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists : his belief in God a belief that solitude nourishes creativity. • something one accepts as true or real; a firmly held opinion or conviction : c.ontrary to popular belief, Aramaic is a living language we're prepared to fight for our beliefs

Paula Ann S.- I will always remember in our 8 week when you said "the truth shall set you free and yet there is no truth"....which is all about finding the middle way. Looking in the place between right & wrong, good & bad, happy & unhappy and accepting what you find there. That is what the Buddha called bliss

Alison S. T. - Oh Bears, how often have I let the desire to be "right" seriously blunt my purpose. How much of my life's energy has been spent on trying to pick the "right" action in order to get the desired reaction from other people. This is just exquistite: if there is no right or wrong then there is no judgement, and in it’s place – sweet freedom. Freedom to dance to the rhythm of my own drum beat. Freedom to make up that rhythm in any way I choose. So I am going to choose to show up with passion and greater clarity for my purpose. This rocks!! Much love and grateful smiles.

Winden R. - Amy Cow and I JUST talked about this concept this morning. The truth...it is about as real as make believes...

From Barry Neil Kaufman (Bears): Wobblers Vs. Doers

Why would we ever wobble? Be indecisive? Act confused?

All wobbling comes from fear -- to turn left or right, to say yes or no. Fear of not getting what we want, tripping, falling. Actually, the risky position is the not deciding and "not doing." When we fall, we can just get up. When we miss the mark, we can just do it again. Life can be a hesitant dance...or a daring adventure.

Love, Bears

Deborah G.
Thank you Bears. I had to give something up today, to do something else...my life.

Alison S. T.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure........only joking!!! For me, the fear is that by doing something I would make my situation worse, which of course is a judgment. But as you say, no decision is a decision, but often without clarity and therefore more risky than deciding what to do.
Deciding that the universe is benevolent is something that I have decided to learn to trust as there are then no wrong moves, and so step by step I can change the way I do things.

Penya S.
really great bears -- very inspiring, like you!

Don K.
No excuses, just more "daring" and more "adventure". Thanks. Love, DK.

Winden R.
I AM A WOBBLER! Holy cow. Boy am I ever! But.... I know when I am doing it, I know that somehow I am taking care of myself and I don't judge it anymore as bad. That's a start I suppose! Thank you for the reminder Bears. See you in November.

Tauska T.
Wibble, wobble, wobble, wome...time for this one to come home!
Thanx Bears!

Roberta R.
I'm for daring adventure! Love the "wobbling" metaphor. Thank you for your post Bears.

Catherine H.-P.
Wow! So this is a message I needed to here RIGHT NOW. Stand back fear...this wobbler is going to do something. Thanks again for shining a light!

Jyldyz W.
Bears, thank you! It feels like it's the first time I've actually not only understood what wobbling means but began to totally see how I've been doing it in my life...not all my life...but definitely the past few years and how this fear of ...making the wrong move kept me stuck. You are absolutely right! It is The RISKIEST POSITION of ALL! THANK YOU!
Winden, I'm SO joining your club:-) Although, unlike you, I've yet to learn Not to judge it as bad and to understand what is it that I'm actually trying to take care of by wobbling. Can we form a dialogue on this:-)

Corbie M.
Every single day of this course has brought so many WOWS! In only three days (so far) I have dispensed with fears that have followed me for years, and have owned for the very first time how much I believe in ME. Thank you, Bears!

Winden R.
Jyldyz! Hello sweet you! I have an idea! Sign up for Empowering Yourself in November. What a PERFECT program to de-wobble ourselves. I am already going. Can you!? I would LOVE to catch up.

April S.
I could give wabbler lessons. The reason why i do it is b/c going left or going right look equally good (or equally bad) to me. I'm waiting for something to tip the scale. BUT, the great part of it is that now I am MUCH more comfortable being in wabble mode. I.e. not judging it. Like, hey, cool, I have a choice to go left or right.

Neal E.
Life's "dramas and traumas" are created because of your own in-congruency of personal truth, emotional expression and daily actions... LIVE TO LIBERATE YOURSELF.... NOT TO PLEASE OTHERS! The fear of what you WILL LOSE by being true to yourself will NEVER out way the BENEFITS you'll gain from being in alignment with your HEART AND SOUL! ~ Bret Treadwell

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind! ~ Dr. Seuss

Be comfortable with who you are even if that changes by the minute. ~ Neal Elefant

Priya P.
tnx for the reminder:)

Gail B. F.
Bears, I am so much more confident at making decisions these days. Between coming to Fearless in the Spring and then following up with Optimal Self Trust this summer, I feel a whole new infrastructure with my decision making. I have minimized the whole process of self-questioning etc..to at least 1/2 of what I used to do. I feel much more in touch with who I am, what I want and most of all happy with the decisions that I make or have made instead of beating myself up about them. SIGH what a relief; a much more comfortable way to live. So much love and gratitude!

To Everyone: Thanks for enriching these sharings with your thoughts, self-reflection, authenticity and love. I am very blessed for all your kindness and caring. Love, Bears

Samahria's favorite resolutions for 2011...and always!

SAMAHRIA'S FAVORITE RESOLUTIONS FOR 2011 … AND ALWAYS!

• Make believe I'm wonderful the way I am … rather than making believe I'm not enough or not okay … even if others don't agree. (And keep making believe until there's no space for doubt!)





• Gift myself with a loving feeling before I've achieved what I want (instead of waiting till the end or till I think I'm successful).





• Make every thought into a benefit for myself (e.g. "Ouch! I just cut my finger, and I can use this as an opportunity to be present while I'm cutting … and all the time." OR "Oh, I didn't get what I wanted here. There must be something even better for me in the wings." OR "This person doesn't want to be a friend of mine. Glad to know that, so I can find people to be around that appreciate me."





• Verbalize my thoughts and opinions with love, (and without fear of others' judgments).





• Do and give from a place of knowing that it's what I want to do – for myself!





• See the "funny" in everything (and grow my laughter power).





• Be open to seeing all of me – because every part is good and there to help me.





• I am always being supported by the Universe. I just have to trust it.

[Note: For me, "Resolutions" are MEANINGFUL INTENTIONS and EXCITING ACTIONS to take … not have-to's, which are pressures to perform; and then if I don't, I've failed.]

This is a practice and dedication to feeling good about myself and to feeling loving of others, no matter what they do. This is how I want to live and breathe. I may go to other places in myself at times, but I'm allowed, and that doesn't mean bad things about me.

My mantra will remain: "Nothing is more important than my happiness!", which leads to loving.

With BIG LOVE,
Samahria

Nutritious and Delicious

FROM BEARS: Actually, I am not referring to food, but to people who grace my life. When I became happier, my unhappy friends left. When I became authentic, my inauthentic companions fled. When I became more loving, those filled with anger didn't want to be near me anymore. Be the self you want & you make room for others like you to find you. Very cool!

Radical Authenticity

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman): Recently, in the Radical Authenticity program, participants explored why it is so challenging to say what they really think and feel. Inevitably, the concern was the judgments and disapproval of others (even being shunned). "If people knew who I really was, they wouldn't like me." A belief! More significant: if we are okay being alone, then we will speak our personal truth to those around us.

Authenticity

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman): Authenticity, not people-pleasing, builds close relationships and safety. We have been taught to say what people want to hear, to mask our true selves and to focus on who we should be rather than being who we sincerely are. Actually, the key to creating loving and nourishing relationships is say what we really think and feel (hopefully, with kindness)...and be ourselves 100%. Solid/sincere/safe relationships!

Living Authentically

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman): When we live authentically, we never have to live in fear of being “found out.” We’re already congruent inside and out. Then, we get to be loved for who we are, not for who we pretend to be. Additionally, authenticity is like breathing fully; inauthenticity is holding back, hiding, suffocating. And yes, there are consequences to authenticity (honest interactions, people knowing who we are and choosing to be with us and not be with us). And yes, there are consequences to inauthenticity (isolation, fraud, fear). Neither is way is “the way.” We have choice and the choice to be authentic or inauthentic leads to very different destinations.

Love, Bears

Waking Up on the Authentic Side of the Bed

FROM PESSY: The other night there was a black-out here in Southern California. It happened in middle of the night, and lasted for a few hours. All of our clocks needed to be reset. My son took the initiative, and reset the clock in my bedroom. I was grateful. I made sure the times were accurate as far as AM and PM were concerned, set my alarm for the next day, and went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning, and as usual began to prepare to take my son to school and myself to work. As the morning routine came close to an end I realized I was 10 minutes behind schedule! I wondered what was different this morning from all other mornings. Then it dawned on me! When I set my clock I usually set it 10 minutes ahead of time. I wake up early, and enjoy believing that I have those extra few minutes.

Having taken Radical Authenticity, a program at The Option Institute that gave me tools to match the inside me with the outside me, I realized that I have been "tricking" myself out of bed. I led myself to believe it was later than it really was. My "trick" helped me make myself feel better and more rested. What an eye opener it was to find this out about myself! All this time I have been waking up as what is known at The Option Institute as a "liar" every single day! That's right! A liar. What a blessing it is to be able to recognize this about myself.

Well, seeing this so clearly, I decided right then and there that I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to "trick" my body into anything. I can wake up at the time of day that it actually is, and choose to be as awake and energized as I want to be! I have decided to wake up on the authentic side of the bed!

What side of the bed do you wake up on?

Wishing you joy and blessings,

Pessy

Integrity

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman): A quote recently recounted in the New York Times: Warren Buffet - "When you hire someone, you look for brains, energy and integrity, and if they don't have the third, integrity, you better watch out, because the first two will (or can) kill you."

A bit over the top but the point is useful. Always ask for accountability with excellence. And always deliver it. Being your best is a form of self-appreciation.

Love, Bears

"My Life Has Changed Dramatically"

From Bears (Option Institute Co-Founder): Amazing Paige just completed the Grand Summer Sequence of Programs at the Option Institute and dramatically changed here life. What she says about her personal transformation and personal growth takes my breath away.

I am so happy and my life has changed dramatically!!! Before the Option Process and the Option Institute, I played the victim role and I never took ownership of anything. I always blamed the rain, the noise etc. Now, I take ownership of all of my feelings and am not afraid of being judged for my authenticity or my wants. Now, I realize that I cannot make someone react in any way, it is they themselves who reacts to my words or actions. That is such a beautiful thing. I am constantly dialoguing with myself and my two true friends. I lost a lot of the tissues out of the tissue box. If I feel unhappy and start judging myself I say "That is ok, Paige" and I dig deep inside myself and figure out what is stinging me.

Bears, my inside universe is now congruent with my outside universe and I thank you for giving me the tools to guide me to that place in my life. I love you, Bears!! Please share this with Samahria-she has a been a guiding force in my life as well!!

THANK YOU!!! Love, Paige

What is Radical Authenticity All About?

FROM BEARS: Yes, it's a "high flame" 300-level program at the Option Institute. Yes, it's about showing up 100% of the time without a mask. It's about designing one you -- not multiple versions that include false faces and omissions. It's about really understanding that any and every relationship -- with spouses, partners, children, parents, friends, colleagues -- will flourish if you trust yourself to be yourself -- every time, every place -- really!!!

AUTHENTICITY, NOT PEOPLE-PLEASING, BUILDS CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS AND SAFETY. We have been taught to say what people want to hear, to mask our true selves and to focus on who we should be rather than being who we sincerely are. Actually, the key to creating loving and nourishing relationship is to say what we really think and feel (hopefully, with kindness)... and be ourselves 100%. (Not 90%, not 70%, not half-time -- but 100%.) It's an experience of freedom and kindness and caring to share who we actually are.

Solid/sincere/safe relationships!
Solid/sincere/safe love relationships as well!

When we live authentically, we never have to live in fear of being "found out." We're already congruent inside and out. Then, we get to be loved for who we are, not for who we pretend to be. Additionally, authenticity is like breathing fully; inauthenticity is holding back, hiding, suffocating. And yes, there are consequences to authenticity (honest interactions, people knowing who we are and choosing to be with us and not be with us). And yes, there are consequences to inauthenticity (isolation, fraud, fear).

Neither way is "the way."

We have a choice -- and each choice - to be authentic or inauthentic - leads to a very different destination.

Love, Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman)

P.S. Radical Authenticity is available on CD -- including a talk on the nature of authenticity and inauthenticity, plus dynamic class interactions so you can hear/experience/learn from what others dare to do.