"It's Not Supposed to be Fun"

From David:

I can imagine the eyes of my great-grandmother-in-law studying mine from a photograph on the wall, her left eye seeming cold and decisive, knowing, while her right eye portrays a loving and easy-going side. If I could extract a philosophy from her countenance, it might be "have a good time, when you can".

It seems that I do that "when you can" kind of thinking, a lot.

Nearing 40 years of age, I find myself sifting out beliefs about "adulthood", "parenthood", and "responsibility" that I inserted into my belief system at some point for some reason, to do my best for myself. It feels wonderful to toss many of them out, and many of them seem to tie into this one: "It's not supposed to be fun." Doing the dishes, paying bills, grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, getting the oil changed in the car, basically any "job" or "chore"... all of these things I remember enjoying the first time I did them. The thrill was gone soon after, as I mentally re categorized those tasks, labeling them now with the words "should" or "have to".

If you're reading this, chances are good that you have adopted the belief, "happiness is a choice". for yourself. Looking at my imaginary great-grandma-in-law's "when you can", but now with a "happiness is a choice" filter, it looks different: we always can have a good time, if we choose to. Of course, it's difficult to see how to choose happiness sometimes. For me, that's often when I'm leaning on that "it's not supposed to be fun" idea.

Everything can be fun. I know people who love doing laundry, enjoy cleaning toilets, and dive into their job with passion. Those people are inspiration, because:

• it's possible



• it's doable for anyone



• it's a choice to be comfortable/uncomfortable about Anything

When I struggle, in the now, with finding my way to choose happiness, I remember that. That inspiration helps me to break the dam of patterned thinking. Creativity opens, and my answer to the left eye of my great-nanny becomes "You always can."

The Son-Rise Program: Taking a New Path

Rain rolled down the leaves of maple and oak trees above us, as if to join the tears on our cheeks as we walked quietly, pushing our young son's stroller gently down the drive near our home. Jennifer and I were struggling to understand what the future would hold for us and little Eidan (ay-den). As I remember coming to terms with Eidan's diagnosis of autism, that scene comes to mind - the imagery to depict the helplessness I felt.

At Eidan's birth, panicked-looking faces around the delivery room gazed at his form - purple in hue, silent, limp. As their eyes turned to mine, I was aware of having a spiritual experience that I now feel braced me for the challenges to come - as if a feeling of comfort, hope, determination, and powerful love formed a mist that not only surrounded me, but became a part of my physical form. Humbled, I looked at my firstborn child and my wife, who had just mutually accomplished the most intense exertion of energy I have ever seen or imagined and smiled, feeling both adoration and concern.

Jump and fast forward now through a manic slideshow of doctor's offices, therapy sessions, IEP meetings, wheelchair fittings, hope, despair, hope again, and then more despair, to The Start-Up Program Start-Up. Sitting on a back-jack chair on the floor of a spacious room that seemed to me like a down-to-earth cathedral, I looked from the speaker, Bryn Kaufman, whose brother, Raun, was the first child with autism I had ever heard of having recovered from it, to Jennifer, who locked wet eyes with mine and smiled. At last, we were hearing something that underscored possibility, not hopelessness. Amazement and appreciation for the outpouring of facts, ideas and concepts that painted a common-sense picture of autism and, somehow, Eidan himself. I pushed my hand to "Please, write faster!", as I immediately recognized that this portrait of my son was a more accurate representation than the one I had been holding in my mind. The discouraging (to say the least) words of the neurologist, the developmental pediatricians, and other professionals were easily trumped by the clear explanation of how people like my son do the seemingly purposeless, socially unaccepted, sometimes gross or violent things to care for themselves - not to frustrate, disturb, or harm anyone else. Just like me, Eidan does what he does to do the best he can for himself with what he has.

This teaching/learning itself was justification enough for having stretched our financial waistband, as well as our comfort zone to ask for help from family and friends, in order to afford the training program. It was our first trip away as a couple together since becoming parents. We were grateful that Jennifer's family had jumped at the chance to stay with Eidan and our younger son, Devin. And though it felt like too many vacancies inside at times, our awareness was that we had hit the jackpot, as special needs parents, as parents of a neurotypical son, as people! The teachers from the Autism Treatment Center of America were helping us to create an entirely new outlook that, shockingly, included us, Eidan's caregivers, parents, and more than anything else, his environment! Who knew that our well-being mattered to our children? I certainly didn't.

Feeling nothing short of more evolved from all that we had learned, we drove home from Massachusetts to Virginia lighter of spirit. We not only bubbled, but foamed with excitement to take in both Eidan and Devin in our arms. And as we finally came through the door and embraced them, tears once again rolled down our now smiling faces.


Learn More about the Son-Rise Program!

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Afterword, Footnote, or Whatever It Is

This is the first of a series of blog posts about The Son-Rise Program, a treatment option designed for children with autism by Barry Neil and Samahria Lyte Kaufman, originally for their son, Raun. The intention of these writings is to express the beauty of this program which shines its light on child and caregiver alike, both of which all too often live in darkness and isolation. Additionally, these words aim to reflect that light to you, should you choose to catch it, by illustrating how the concepts, techniques, and physical underpinnings of The Son-Rise Program can be used by anyone for personal change, inspiration, developing or re-growing meaning in relationships of all kinds, and so much more.

As a Son-Rise Program dad, I have absorbed and continue to assimilate the teachings of the Autism Treatment Center of America and The Option Institute, and the books of Barry "Bears" Neil Kaufman, and I write to deepen my understanding of these teachings. I am a student. My views may stray from what I have actually been taught, wandering into my own experiences and ideas. I hope that my words will do justice to this subject which is of profound importance to me and my family. With heartfelt gratitude to the Kaufmans for their remarkable journey, the exceptional act of dedicating their lives to sharing it with the world, and to all who prioritize love and happiness for themselves. To do so is a step we can all decide to take, again and again, and in loving ourselves, we will be spreading love and togetherness on this precious planet!

Power!

FROM DAVID:

My son, Devin, like myself at his age, has a loving fascination for superpowers. He's 5 years old, and ever since he first soaked up the concept, he's probably played at having around 50 distinct superpowers. I still love making up superpowers, like the ability to remember everything, or super-patience - the power to make someone else patient.

Due to the fact that superpowers like running at supersonic speed or x-ray vision haven't yet graced our lives, maybe the grown-up thing to do is to play with our real powers, and put them to good use! But what are these so-called "real powers"? Hmmm. When I free-associate on personal power of the kind that a powerful person has, this is what comes out:
control, force, strength, mind games, wealth, authoritarian, etc.

When I think of personal power, as in "finding my power" it changes to:
inner strength, love, creativity, spirituality, freedom, connectedness, confidence, etc.

Comparing these two thesaurus entries from my brain (let's call them "bully" and "lover" for short), a dual realization, unexpected and clear, hits me: first, "lover" is about opening up and using what is truly me; second, "bully" is the kind of power that I am believing most powerful people have - I'd describe it as manipulative and mostly matches the attributes of a bully. I suppose that comes from an awareness of the existence of so many seemingly powerless people. Shouldn't powerful people empower powerless people? Ahhh, but did you catch my judgments in there?? Cool, so I judge powerful people (AND powerless people). But once I blast through those judgments, it's clear that personal power is what we decide it is for ourselves, and can only be given to us by us.

Looking to others to see us as powerful in order to feel that we can then accept our talents as worthy of being called "powerful"? That doesn't seem like an empowering position. Besides, I may think of President Obama as powerful, but for all I know, he may be feeling powerless. The Option Institute has a program called "Empower Yourself" that begins with the teaching that an empowered person knows what they want and believes they can get it. Check out Bears talking about it.

Power doesn't come from how much we have or what we can do. It comes from belief in ourselves and what we are wanting for ourselves. Superhuman strength to stop moving trains may not be on the menu for me, but I can decide what my power is -- and to use it. Again, it doesn't matter if it's recognized, because I'm feelin' it. WOW! Hey, Devin! Let's play with our powers!


Power P.S.! If everyone has a power, it's not a superpower anymore. But that doesn't make it any less super :)

A Gift of Ease

FROM DAVID:

Fade in to a young boy grabbing a fistful of cat food and bringing it towards his mouth. Turn to see his brother unsheathing that all-too-real toy sword, seemingly preparing himself for an attack of the leather couch. The kitchen's a mess. The phone rings and the dog struts happily in through the dog flap carrying the leg of an unknown animal. Someone's coming over in 5 minutes...

This exact configuration of events is entirely possible in our home. Any one of these, in and of itself, has been known to make me uncomfortable. And how many times can I choose happiness in the space of a single minute? There's not enough time for an Option Process Dialogue. Starting to freak out... What to do?

(Ism. Ism. Ism.)

I've been watching how I give myself comfort, or more often, how I give myself discomfort while intending to comfort myself. With my son, Devin, I sometimes make myself angry about something he's doing and subsequently "give comfort" to myself by yelling at him. Nice, right? Not nice. In fact, totally NOT working for me (or Devin, obviously). So what's a different way to "give comfort" to myself, um, even if I am the creator of my own discomfort? What WOULD work for me?

The Plan
Taking a deep breath has never worked for me. Setting an intention to not be angry never worked, either. Go figure! Asking myself that question, "What can I do in a challenging moment to un-challenge it?", an idea popped up. Samahria ways the word "easy" in a way I love. It evokes images of flowing water and what I imagined when my German professor defined gemütlichkeit. The idea is to give myself a taste of this whenever and wherever, oh, and everywhere. I let go. I close the umbrella of pressure I've opened up in myself. The thing that makes giving myself ease effective is having a reference point for it - a clear memory of what it's like to completely let go in a challenging situation + having the belief that it WILL work for me to just feel comfortable for a second. At first, it was a little jump off of a big cliff. Quickly, it's becoming a reflex, a second to connect to my loving side and turn off my left brain.

What surprised me the first time I did this with Devin, is that I laughed, the easiness continued, and I felt wonderful and explosively loving. And Devin laughed with me, with an air of relief, perhaps sensing the storm having passed.

I'm not hitting the ease button every time, but I love how often I do. My parents often said, "Take it easy" to their friends in parting. To you I say, "Give yourself ease."

RE-IMAGINE/OUR FIRST INCEPTION

BLOG FROM BEARS: RE- IMAGINE/OUR FIRST INCEPTION!

Here we go...an experiment and/or the cusp of an expanding idea of the Option Process and what is possible. Today, a Son-Rise Program Mom and a graduate level student of the Option Process decided to play and join in taking a journey back and then forward in time. We had been working together for several days. This amazing lady challenged old demons and, at the same time, charted new territory for herself in her life. It was about relationships, about family, about giving what we do meaning, about being kind to ourselves and cutting ourselves some slack if we're not happy at times or judgmental at times or even angry and unkind at times. Streaming dialogs in a marathon of dialogs over two days...Samahria and I as the mentors, this daring woman and her husband awesome explorers and relentless self-students of themselves. The evening before we had presented the idea of inception...but a very different kind bouncing off the movie Inception that Samahria and I had seen. This concept would be a flexing and widening of happiness is a choice and encouraging the universe toward possibilities perhaps untapped.

Okay...dreams within in dreams. Worm holes. Parallel universes. And the concept of seeding the past with a new premise and event (all make believe) to birth forward a new evolution of that past and explode it into the present.

We did in the form of a guided meditation/visualization. My explorer went back to a past event with her mom, when she was five years old --scared and greeted with what felt like harshness by a parent. A little girl now confused and alone. A seeming act of unkindness and judgment replaced and visualized now with a loving act by a loving mother toward a frightened child. The explorer smiled broadly as she re-imagined that event -- the warmth in her mother's eyes and arms and the warmth she now created as she visualized herself at 5 years old again (very different from the original experience). Then, I suggested she take herself and her mother two years forward and re-imagine the next event...but coming from the new, re-conceived and relived event she had just "incepted" into her mind and the universe. She realized her and her mom had a new connection with a new result happening...nourishing now for them both. Then I had her move forward another 3 years, then another 5, then as a young adult...then into the present. What this amazing explorer now visualized was a completely revolutionized mother-daughter and mother-daughter relationship as a natural outgrowth of a different path taken.

So, what we then had was two versions of herself and two version of her mom in real time. We could call one set of these people flesh and blood...but the other set, re-imagined. Both real -- one with physical life, one with make-believe life.. Two moms. Two daughters. The re-imagined daughter now even sees the flesh and blood mom differently. This then creates a new opportunity for both. Our explorer, still guided as the meditation/visualization continues, puts a white/yellow light around her newly-visualized mom and fills that light with her love -- and anchors that image so she could bring it forth anytime she want...to express more love, to embody her re-imaged self and mom with more light.

A seeming act of unkindness lived forwarded brought about in 'flesh-and-blood time' more acts of additional unkindness. Yet, when seeding each other with love, love blossomed forth. Which mom will prevail now? Which daughter?

When we created a very special expansion program (Calm Amid Chaos) of the Option Process at the Option Institute, I felt, personally, that I had taken my own learning to the next level. Creating an Intelligrid to organize the apparent chaos. Stimuli re-conceived in a benevolent universe. The cause is in the future (not the past). Change is continuous. Most everyone who has taken that program felt permanently transformed by creating for themselves a new personal vision in which they could create peace-of-mind during the unpredictable winds of change. I am considering this construct of re-imagining with place of a new inception could now precipitate the next generation growth of what we teach.

Stay tuned. We will continue to experiment and perfect further the possibilities in which choice is always in the now but embraces our entire past and can be influential on our future/the future. While we still have breath,, it is never too late. We can not only kiss the ground we walk, but kiss all the ground we once walked in our memories (all memories always exist in the present; thus, accessible for re-recreation or re-imagination).

Tick-Tock...yet all of us have all the time we require for what we would like to do...inception of kindness, inception of love, inception of a re-conceive past which could/would impact the present which defines an evolving future.

Love and smiles, Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman/Option Institute/Son-Rise Program Co-Founder)