Samahria's favorite resolutions for 2011...and always!

SAMAHRIA'S FAVORITE RESOLUTIONS FOR 2011 … AND ALWAYS!

• Make believe I'm wonderful the way I am … rather than making believe I'm not enough or not okay … even if others don't agree. (And keep making believe until there's no space for doubt!)





• Gift myself with a loving feeling before I've achieved what I want (instead of waiting till the end or till I think I'm successful).





• Make every thought into a benefit for myself (e.g. "Ouch! I just cut my finger, and I can use this as an opportunity to be present while I'm cutting … and all the time." OR "Oh, I didn't get what I wanted here. There must be something even better for me in the wings." OR "This person doesn't want to be a friend of mine. Glad to know that, so I can find people to be around that appreciate me."





• Verbalize my thoughts and opinions with love, (and without fear of others' judgments).





• Do and give from a place of knowing that it's what I want to do – for myself!





• See the "funny" in everything (and grow my laughter power).





• Be open to seeing all of me – because every part is good and there to help me.





• I am always being supported by the Universe. I just have to trust it.

[Note: For me, "Resolutions" are MEANINGFUL INTENTIONS and EXCITING ACTIONS to take … not have-to's, which are pressures to perform; and then if I don't, I've failed.]

This is a practice and dedication to feeling good about myself and to feeling loving of others, no matter what they do. This is how I want to live and breathe. I may go to other places in myself at times, but I'm allowed, and that doesn't mean bad things about me.

My mantra will remain: "Nothing is more important than my happiness!", which leads to loving.

With BIG LOVE,
Samahria

Rocking with Exceptional Women

FROM SAMAHRIA:

I want to have this conversation with the women out there. Over the years, I've worked hard to learn the gifts and special characteristics of the woman species, which is not a statement against the male species. They are gifted as well - with their own specialness. But right now, I'm referring to only women - because the Exceptional Woman program is almost here (the week of September 19th) and so I have a heightened awareness of women's issues, as I listen to their fears, judgments and prayers... which are very similar to each other.

Who would we be if we highlighted the most cherished aspects of ourselves (hopefully, we have at least one thing that we love in or about ourselves) - and made those parts really BIG in our minds, while at the same time we unleashed all of those parts we hide and judge... Yes! I mean let them out, let them show, give them a voice we can hear and a face we can look at. The idea would be to be willing to see all of ourselves - and not judge it. When people verbalize what they really think about themselves, it's never the bad they imagined in their minds and suspected would be terrible if others knew. Once it's out there (a belief), then we have the opportunity to drop our judgment about it (even for the moment), embrace it, understand it, put it into a clear perspective, and then finally let it go - and in its place, create a more useful and supportive way of seeing ourselves (a new belief) and that there are choices we can make to better take care of ourselves.

Women are generally taught beliefs encouraging them to place themselves at the bottom of the "to care for" list; otherwise, we are considered selfish or self-absorbed. Essentially, be there for others before being there for ourselves! Hey, it's not working. We feel burnt out, unmotivated, victimized, pressured and turned off. Nobody's gaining from not nurturing ourselves. We can actually be more loving, clearer, happier and more powerful if we took good care of ourselves FIRST, so we can be there, when we choose, to support others.

We really do have the ability to re-create ourselves as the people we most want to be - at ANY age. That's why I created the Exceptional Woman program ... to hold hands with other women who want to stop judging themselves, be supported by other women who understand and want to change as well, and to provide a uniquely safe and loving environment in which each woman can feel comfortable enough to let go of fears and allow their power to be tapped. By learning to trust other aspects of ourselves that are more useful and life-affirming, the judgments with which we've punished ourselves melt away.

Join us to support, express, enhance and delight in ourselves - with other Exceptional women.

Hoping to see you soon - and build ourselves together.
With much love,
Samahria

Waiting for "Difficult" to Be Over?

FROM SAMAHRIA (Samahria Lyte Kaufman): We seem to always pray for the challenges to be over. As crazy as it may sound, why do we create suffering till it ends? When it's over, is that then the only time we can say, "Ah! Now I can be happy."

What would happen if we truly opened our arms and embraced "difficult"?

After all, even when it's over, it certainly isn't the end. Somewhere down the line, we'll be getting another opportunity to learn something in our lives. We might as well give them all "Ahs!" as we encounter them... since we CAN.

Instead of saying NO (this is bad for me) to something we think we don't want, imagine we said YES (this is going to be good for me). We may not know how that will look, but we can decide there's a gain/learning/gift in this, even before we know what that will be. How will that affect how we feel when difficult comes to visit?

Misunderstood? Judged? Maligned?

How often have you felt misunderstood or judged - and felt frustrated, hurt or defensive about what someone has said to you or about you? I hear it from people all the time. Especially in relationships, there is so much we either try our best to communicate to our partners, but still may not feel we've been heard or perhaps the other....
How often have you felt misunderstood or judged - and felt frustrated, hurt or defensive about what someone has said to you or about you? I hear it from people all the time. Especially in relationships, there is so much we either try our best to communicate to our partners, but still may not feel we've been heard or perhaps the other person maintains their original point of view that we believe is not true. When we work with couples in our CouplesCourse Program, this is a common area of discomfort. Essentially, the important point is that we cannot change another person or their perspectives unless they choose to change it. We can't make them believe what we believe. And the desire on our part may be for the other person to agree with us - and if they don't, WE MAY BELIEVE THAT'S BAD FOR US.


But what is the most productive, comfortable place for us to be in ourselves when this occurs?
1) Understand that we don't have the power to change anyone (our parents, our partners, our friends, and even our children) and if they DO change, (and we may have spent time explaining, sharing, pleading) they still decided to change themselves; we didn't make them change.
2) Use it as an opportunity to understand ourselves more, and supply to ourselves what we are looking to the other person to give us.
3) If it bothers us that we're misunderstood or judged, then it's important to explore that discomfort with questions like: "Why do I need this person to understand me or not judge me?" (May sound crazy, but it will probably relate to a way in which we are judging ourselves and looking to the other person to love/support us or be accepting of us - SO WE CAN ACCEPT AND LOVE OURSELVES.) Take a look. Could prove very eye-opening.
4) Know you don't have to defend yourself nor feel something is wrong with you if you're misunderstood, judged or maligned. It's really about THE OTHER PERSON and the perspective(s) they choose FOR THEIR REASONS, which has nothing to do with you; they do it for their reasons (to take care of themselves).
5) First get comfortable about what they're doing and how you're feeling - and then, if there's something to do to take care of yourself (e.g. try a different tact, talk to others about your perspective, brainstorm how you can use the situation to become a happier, more effective person, etc. - want us to help you through this, just contact us for an Option Process Dialogue), and comfortably go for it.

You don't want your happiness and trust of life to be dependent on what another person does. There will always be those who make choices that appear to be against what you want. If, however, we use each one toward the enhancement of ourselves, we win (no matter what they do). Take the high road and welcome these people into your life - because they are the ones from which you will most likely learn the most.

With my love,
Samahria

The Good/Bad Set-up

Did you ever think about how many times in the day you're on the roller-coaster of "I'm good" ... "I'm bad"?
Someone tells you that you look good ... "Hey, I'm good". You missed your plane or an appointment ... "You're bad". You didn't eat that piece of chocolate in front of you ... "You're good". You got angry at your partner ... "You're bad". On and on, all day, every day. Fun!

I recently ran a class in which the participants were making lists of what they considered good and bad in the world. An interesting notation: They had no difficulty writing an endless list of "bads" - and had trouble coming up with "good" things. What is that?

Is seeing things as bad useful to us? People often say, "Well, that's how I know the things I don't want in my life ... I call them 'bad'." Could we not trust that we know what we WANT, and move towards them without having to call things bad? If we consider what we do when we call things bad, we may find it anti-productive for us. For example, if I call myself bad for forgetting to do something, I feel bad about myself, I get down, I gather more evidence of my insufficiency, and I have less, not more capacity to remember things in the future (because I believe I'm bad at that). IF I HAD SEEN MYSELF AS GOOD, EVEN THOUGH I'D FORGOTTEN, I'D FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF - AND COULD THEN FOCUS ON WAYS I COULD BE BETTER AT REMEMBERING IN THE FUTURE. Win-Win!

Now let's say I call my partner or child bad for not behaving in a way I think is appropriate. Again, I'd have the choice of simply highlighting what it is I want, go for it, and not have to judge anybody as bad. I'd be a lot more effective with those around me - and I'd feel better about not seeing them as bad.

The secret to an empowered, happy life is to see everything as good! (Yes, and still decide what we want in our lives moment to moment - and go for it.)

And it's good that I just banged my head on a post - because I want to be more present when I'm walking around. (If I saw it as bad, I'd learn nothing, and just hate the post.)

Isn't this more fun than the up and down of bad/good?
With lots of delight,
Samahria

GET RID OF PRESSURE

Some of us live with the constant pressure of needing to be perfect ... at everything ... all the time. For myself, I found this truly painful to try to uphold. I realized the intention behind it was to prove myself good enough to let go of all the judgments. That result never came. So finally, after diving into the eye of that needle, taking a really close look at what I was doing and the torture I caused myself in this pressurized living, I focused in on another intention: LOVE THE ME OF THE MOMENT... whoever I am now - and whatever I'm doing now.

I realized that we are all always doing the best we can based on our beliefs - and therefore, why wouldn't I be lovable, however I performed?! Unless, of course, I decided to believe I was unlovable. But I've concluded that actually, everyone is lovable; people are just unhappy at times and then do actions from that place of unhappiness. I have worked with thousands of people who continually pressure themselves - and they tell me that the purpose is to make themselves better. Hmmm! I noticed that whenever I judged or pressured myself, it never made me better; in fact, I felt worse, and then had less energy, and less clarity, and thus performed less effectively than when I felt accepting and loving of myself. This seems to me to be especially prevalent with women, which is why it is a meaningful subject we address in the Exceptional Woman Program.

So ultimately, PRESSURING DOESN'T WORK. It creates the opposite of what we want, which, truly is to feel good, excited and motivated to move passionately toward what we want.

The next time you notice you're putting on the pressure, stop and focus on what your ultimate intention is ... (to be more motivated? to try harder? to put more focus or energy into something?) and once you've identified what it is you really want, you can simply make that a bigger priority - and go for it. You'll be on your way to building a place of love inside yourself that you'll recognize as home.
With my love, Samahria

More Important Than Your Happiness?

I've been wondering why people aren't running as fast as they can to The Option Institute to take programs that will help them in every part of their lives. Seriously, what could be more important than really learning how we can be happy in the face of really trying times happy when we can't get what we want - and what we want seems very meaningful to us, or happy when we don't know what move to make next in our lives.


Who wouldn't want to feel relaxed and trusting(rather than fearful and worried), clear and focused (rather than blocked and unsure) and empowered and motivated (rather than distressed, depressed and unmotivated) to step into a new arena of our future? Is there really anything that would trump self-improvement if it meant you'd be stress free?

I can't imagine what my life would be today if I hadn't learned all the amazing attitudes and tools I know that take me through challenge after challenge with such glide and embrace of the situations. To me, when we're happy, answers come, ideas flow, and it's much easier to feel the perfection in it all than being scared of what we think could happen in the future, believing we could be hurt by it.

Whatever it takes, I say, get to a program as soon as you can so your life can either start to be or continue to grow a wonder and delight for you - in all areas (relationships, parenting, money, loss, and health). It's in your hands - and ONE PROGRAM AT THE OPTION INSTITUTE WILL MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE!

See you soon!
Samahria

Happy UN-Birthday

I was thinking how celebratory and kind most of us are to ourselves on our birthdays. Once a year, you get to allow yourself to do what you want, enjoy doing something you don't ordinarily do, party, and just plain feel good. After all, it's your birthday - a time to dance.

What would happen if we only took one day, a different day from our birthday, like tomorrow, and decided to treat ourselves like it was our birthday ... like we were someone to focus on, love, and just plain feel good. Hey, it's only one day. Just as an experiment. Just because we decided to make a big deal about being alive on an ordinary day. Try it once. But that means that throughout the day, you'd have to stop and delight in the fact that it's your UN-birth-day ... and that you can actually make a decision to re-birth something about yourself on this very day, thus making it a true birth-day. Of course, if you want help with this rebirth, read "Happiness Is A Choice" by Barry Neil Kaufman... a must-read book for anyone who wants happiness as the main experience in their lives.

The idea behind doing this would be to more and more perceive yourself as in charge, as perfectly capable of creating happiness and love any time you want, and ultimately, making your birth-days every day of the year. Imagine exciting yourself about all the things you get that you want - as well as trusting that it's perfect when we don't get what we want, and then deciding to want that. This requires some thought about that idea since we usually think it's a bad thing when we don't get what we want. But if we remain happy when we're not getting what we want, we ARE getting what we REALLY want ... to be happy! For lots more support on how to go for and get what you want, come join us here at The Option Institute for our Empower Yourself Program or Inner Strength Program. We'll celebrate your un-birthday with you.

So HAPPY UN-BIRTHDAY TO YOU! And many more ...

Samahria
Co-Founder
The Option Institute

Out of work? PERFECT!!!

What a crazy thing to say, you may think. But let's look at the choices. We could say, "This is horrible"; "This is bad for me"; "This will ruin my life". Or we can see this - and anything else that arrives at our doorstep - as an opportunity and a way for us to recreate a new roadway to actually MORE of what we want... rather than less.

These are only beliefs which we can choose. But if we choose the "This is horrible!" belief, we are left with a lost, scared and perhaps hopeless feeling. If we decide this will be good for us (a belief we can choose) and we see it as perfect for ourselves (even if we don't yet know how it's perfect), we feel a sense of adventure, no fear and definitely a hopeful perspective about the future.

Do you know anyone that has viewed a situation that most would call "bad" (e.g. a child that is born with challenges, a loss of a loved one, a marriage that has ended) as an opportunity instead of a tragedy? This just shows us that, if one person has believed it, we all have the possibility to believe it. In essence, "Happiness Is A Choice" (see book by ["Bears"] Barry Neil Kaufman) - and for me, it sure beats misery!

In these times of possible job loss, we will be in a much more pro-active, powerful and effective position to take care of ourselves if we believe that whatever is happening is perfect for us than if we believe it's bad for us. We have lots more energy and feel much more motivated toward action and achievement when we feel good about ourselves and trusting that we'll be fine. This is a time for self improvement and perhaps the first chance you've had in a long time to reflect on yourself and your life, and consider options you haven't allowed yourself to entertain.

My husband, "Bears", and I had such an opportunity when we discovered that our son, Raun, was autistic. We created an intensive program for him, during which we re-evaluated every aspect of ourselves and all that we were doing in our lives. Utilizing what has come to be called "Power Dialogues", we dramatically explored and changed ourselves. Ultimately, this lead to our founding The Option Institute (and the Son-Rise Program at the Autism Treatment Center of America). What a gift!

Losing your job could be the next unforeseen gift in your life ... if you believe it's perfect for you.

Samahria

Happiness in "hard times"

We are certainly in the midst of newness ... times when we are being challenged to go beyond what we've known, what we've counted on, situations we may have thought were there to stay and faced with new situations we never thought we'd encounter. If we think about it, when we're in times we call "good" (we're enjoying ourselves or being in a satisfying love relationship), we don't want it to change. When things aren't going the way we'd like them to, we may then want them to change, but only if they change to what we want.

But take a closer look at one of the basic concepts in the Option Institute program, Calm Amid Chaos, "change is continuous". If we weren't scaring ourselves about what could happen (bad, of course) or weren't believing that change was less solid and less safe than what we know, we might really embrace what is inevitable - and welcome our friend, change, as we take steps into new directions, using happiness as our flashlight. Actually, depending upon our attitudes, same or different can be viewed as always good for us.

Let's see the changes that are coming our way as open doorways to new opportunities for self improvement and to re-create our lives in ways we would have never even entertained before ... instead of worrying or believing it's not going to be good for us. The fear will only make it less possible to be creative, think outside of the box, and believe we can go for what we want. If we are saying to ourselves, "Okay, Universe, bring it on", it won't even feel like "hard times". Rather, we will be jumping into an exciting adventure.

I will be on this adventure with you, like on a roller coaster, with my arms up in the air, screaming with joy as we round each hairy curve.
Wheeeeeee! Here we go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Self-Judgments Undermine Love

FROM SAMAHRIA: You know how easy it seems to be to go right to judging yourself ...? ("I should have ...", "Oh, that was so stupid of me.", "I'm just not 'X' enough.") That's because we keep thinking if we judge ourselves big enough, we'll get it. We'll change. That's like being an abuser to yourself - and pray you'll get yourself to improve... be more loving, be smarter, be more savvy, be a better partner picker, stand up for yourself ... etc. - as if we're not doing the best we can... as if we're bad.

What would happen if we just spoke kindly to ourselves, without any judgments? "I'd like to get better at 'X'," "I'm doing the best I can ... and this is okay," "I'm just going to keep going for more," and "I can love myself even as I try for self improvement."


Under every unhappiness we feel is a judgment aimed at actually attempting to get to happiness. We could take a more direct road and go right to being loving of ourselves, even if (and especially when) we think we've come up short of our ultimate goals.


Love yourself first - then ask yourself what you want. We could see life challenges as there to help us get more of what we want rather than as detractors and blockers... even when we can't see yet how these challenges are going to serve us.


For me, it's my life's work... learning to open to all of me - without judgment or fear. It's the only way to manifest love.


Samahria

Why Children Cry

PARENTING is one of the most important areas of our lives, yet an area about which we receive no real training. Somehow, we're supposed to "know how" to handle all that these smart little buggers present. Wouldn't it help to have some parenting support?

One area that is most challenging for parents is our children's displays of "unhappiness" ... crying, whining, tantrums. That seems to be the times when parents need help with stress. What if these actions were simply ways our children have learned to communicate and then GET what they want. After all, they have probably seen these actions of theirs "work" consistently. I cry and I get - ever since I was born. But a baby's crying starts out as a simple communication like "I'm hungry"or "I'm wet" expressed in the only form he/she knows. It's not, "I'm hungry - and I'm unhappy that I'm hungry". We put the unhappy spin on it because of what we believe about crying.

Now imagine this process of learning how to get what I want happens over and over again as the child is getting older and older. We can see that we would be systematically teaching our children that the crying or tantruming is the way to move the world. This is not a fun, rewarding nor useful experience for either ourselves or our children ... especially when we think that they'll be using these methods for the rest of their lives (in the same way we've been taught to use unhappiness to try to get what we want). What began as the only way the child could communicate became what the child believes is the most effective way to communicate if the child is to get what he/she wants. If we stop teaching this to our children, we'll have no need for stress management because we won't be using stress to get our children to perform - and there will be no need for our children to use unhappiness if it's not working.

Every child with whom I have ever done Option Process Dialogues at The Option Institute tells me that they know exactly what they're doing (acting unhappy) and, in their words, "That's what you have to do to get what you want."

The Answer: Be responsive ONLY when your child approaches you happily. When they are using unhappiness to move you, you can let them know "That doesn't work with me" ... AND YOU MUST BE CONSISTENT! Believe me ... This is freedom!

Come join us for lots more parenting information and parenting resources in our Parenting Solutions Program. Don't wait till you're at your wits end or feel unsure of how to handle your child's behavior. This is a must for every parent who wants to make parenting easy!!!

Samahria