Respect

FROM DAVID:

"Respect your elders."

I don't know who to credit this quote to, be it "popular wisdom" or "folk saying", as it comes from so many sources. It's surprising to notice that if you look at the other "popular wisdom" there is a noticable lack of a counterpart for our youngers. "Respect your kids" isn't one I've EVER heard! Why not? And why has "respect your elders" been broadcast so broadly?

Just playing with ideas, this feels like cultural messaging to the effect of "don't respect your kids and put on a good (but perhaps not authentic) face on with your elders." But then, why would we hear it coming from our elders? We tease each other about turning 30 and 40 and 50 and so on. I've seen kids try to use age as power to manipulate younger kids. I've seen a great respect for children from the older generations, and somewhat less for the middle-aged. How does age come into play in the way you treat others? What meaning does it actually hold? Is it just what we believe about it, or are there irrefutable truths? But enough about age. This is about respect.

What I've learned from The Option Institute and the Son-Rise Program has opened me up to accept, appreciate, and respect SO much more than I did before. Now I appreciate the purpose of the "isms" (the things/behavior we do to cope and give comfort to ourselves, like biting our nails as we wait nervously or clenching the muscles in our feet while getting a dental cleaning) that my son has, as well as my own isms. It's always fun to take a learning from the Son-Rise Program, or any source, and generalize it to see where else it applies. For example, can we look at the things people do as their isms, that serve their purpose(s), whether we understand or agree, or not? And to be fair, can we look within ourselves with enough respect to find the purpose in our judgment? In this light, is anything truly unforgivable? What or who is there to disrespect??


Respect.
It's love, presence, being happy with, joining, listening first.
No need to add "your elders"... or to exclude "your youngers".
No need to leverage age to get it.
No need to earn it by getting older.
No need to earn it at all.
No way to lose it. It's freely given...
because we're here,
together,
now.

The Son-Rise Program: Taking a New Path

Rain rolled down the leaves of maple and oak trees above us, as if to join the tears on our cheeks as we walked quietly, pushing our young son's stroller gently down the drive near our home. Jennifer and I were struggling to understand what the future would hold for us and little Eidan (ay-den). As I remember coming to terms with Eidan's diagnosis of autism, that scene comes to mind - the imagery to depict the helplessness I felt.

At Eidan's birth, panicked-looking faces around the delivery room gazed at his form - purple in hue, silent, limp. As their eyes turned to mine, I was aware of having a spiritual experience that I now feel braced me for the challenges to come - as if a feeling of comfort, hope, determination, and powerful love formed a mist that not only surrounded me, but became a part of my physical form. Humbled, I looked at my firstborn child and my wife, who had just mutually accomplished the most intense exertion of energy I have ever seen or imagined and smiled, feeling both adoration and concern.

Jump and fast forward now through a manic slideshow of doctor's offices, therapy sessions, IEP meetings, wheelchair fittings, hope, despair, hope again, and then more despair, to The Start-Up Program Start-Up. Sitting on a back-jack chair on the floor of a spacious room that seemed to me like a down-to-earth cathedral, I looked from the speaker, Bryn Kaufman, whose brother, Raun, was the first child with autism I had ever heard of having recovered from it, to Jennifer, who locked wet eyes with mine and smiled. At last, we were hearing something that underscored possibility, not hopelessness. Amazement and appreciation for the outpouring of facts, ideas and concepts that painted a common-sense picture of autism and, somehow, Eidan himself. I pushed my hand to "Please, write faster!", as I immediately recognized that this portrait of my son was a more accurate representation than the one I had been holding in my mind. The discouraging (to say the least) words of the neurologist, the developmental pediatricians, and other professionals were easily trumped by the clear explanation of how people like my son do the seemingly purposeless, socially unaccepted, sometimes gross or violent things to care for themselves - not to frustrate, disturb, or harm anyone else. Just like me, Eidan does what he does to do the best he can for himself with what he has.

This teaching/learning itself was justification enough for having stretched our financial waistband, as well as our comfort zone to ask for help from family and friends, in order to afford the training program. It was our first trip away as a couple together since becoming parents. We were grateful that Jennifer's family had jumped at the chance to stay with Eidan and our younger son, Devin. And though it felt like too many vacancies inside at times, our awareness was that we had hit the jackpot, as special needs parents, as parents of a neurotypical son, as people! The teachers from the Autism Treatment Center of America were helping us to create an entirely new outlook that, shockingly, included us, Eidan's caregivers, parents, and more than anything else, his environment! Who knew that our well-being mattered to our children? I certainly didn't.

Feeling nothing short of more evolved from all that we had learned, we drove home from Massachusetts to Virginia lighter of spirit. We not only bubbled, but foamed with excitement to take in both Eidan and Devin in our arms. And as we finally came through the door and embraced them, tears once again rolled down our now smiling faces.


Learn More about the Son-Rise Program!

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• Autism Treatment Center of America Website
  
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Afterword, Footnote, or Whatever It Is

This is the first of a series of blog posts about The Son-Rise Program, a treatment option designed for children with autism by Barry Neil and Samahria Lyte Kaufman, originally for their son, Raun. The intention of these writings is to express the beauty of this program which shines its light on child and caregiver alike, both of which all too often live in darkness and isolation. Additionally, these words aim to reflect that light to you, should you choose to catch it, by illustrating how the concepts, techniques, and physical underpinnings of The Son-Rise Program can be used by anyone for personal change, inspiration, developing or re-growing meaning in relationships of all kinds, and so much more.

As a Son-Rise Program dad, I have absorbed and continue to assimilate the teachings of the Autism Treatment Center of America and The Option Institute, and the books of Barry "Bears" Neil Kaufman, and I write to deepen my understanding of these teachings. I am a student. My views may stray from what I have actually been taught, wandering into my own experiences and ideas. I hope that my words will do justice to this subject which is of profound importance to me and my family. With heartfelt gratitude to the Kaufmans for their remarkable journey, the exceptional act of dedicating their lives to sharing it with the world, and to all who prioritize love and happiness for themselves. To do so is a step we can all decide to take, again and again, and in loving ourselves, we will be spreading love and togetherness on this precious planet!

Setting Up What You Want

FROM DAVID:

Did you see that documentary film called "What the BLEEP Do We Know!?"? One of its featured speakers spoke about "creating his day". Basically, he would think about what he wanted for that particular day. He felt this was, somehow, constructing a course for short-term future events. His experience often surprised him by conforming in completely unforeseen ways, to his visioning of the day to come. Neat! Right? Do you believe that we provide input into the experiences that unfold as we step into them?

Not long ago, my sister introduced me to "affirmations". They sounded nice, sweet, but I didn't really get what they were about. Then, in the heat of a speedy iTunes purchase, I accidentally bought an affirmations album by Deepak Chopra, thinking it was actually meditation music. Nonetheless, a happy accident! Once I listened to a few of the affirmations, I understood better what my sister liked about them - it seems like a way of creating one's day. A means of setting intention aligned with what we want, with our purpose. It's amazing how in the context of a busy life, it's easy to completely forget one's purpose, or to go for what we want for ourselves.

The Option Institute teaches a philosophy called The Option Process^® which Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman) has briefly defined as "happy existentialism". Before being introduced to it, I had no idea that philosophy could be so practical, life-changing, and useful! It has helped me to explore my purpose in the major areas of my life (in my marriage, as a father, etc.). In the often hectic day-to-day, though, I sometimes stray from these purposes simply because they aren't at the forefront of my mind.

Holding what we want in our minds, cycling it through the foreground of our thoughts regularly, and believing that it is absolutely possible to achieve what we passionately want - is that enough to swim straight when the current turns into us? Sometimes we seem to float down our path. Other times, not quite a floating thing. Still, whatever we are faced with, we can choose to move to make our goals and dreams happen, regardless of how we may be judged by others.

Taking a moment to revisit my purpose(s) and/or how I want to change how I am in the world is grounding - it resets my course. So, a practice of "day creation" has grown from those moments of self-reflection. As I drift toward sleep at night, I visualize something like an imagined group of internal project managers that have experience in the metaphysical (or quanta). It's like a strategy meeting to lay out the specs of my biggest wants. For example, I might make a plan coming out of some self-studentship, "I will have the presence to remain non-judgmental tomorrow, more successfully than I did today." While planning, I am conscious, as I am with Eidan in his Son-Rise Program, of whether my request is crafted to set me up for success. I don't concern myself with the "how" because my project managers have that part covered. When I roll out of bed in the morning, I recall the notes from the last night's "meeting". This little ritual helps me to stay on track with myself, by creating a reference point for making choices during the day.


Throw what works for you in setting up what you want into a comment below or on Facebook! Spread the love!

Got the 'Tude?

FROM DAVID:

"Happiness does not lie in happiness,
but in the achievement of it."
- Fyodor Dostoevsky

Simple concepts can take time to assimilate, to put into practice. Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman), with the "shortcuts to happiness" in Happiness is a Choice, made it easy for us to choose to choose happiness (or not). That doesn't mean that once happiness is what we want to choose, a funny kind of "zoop" sound happens and we're good to go. Necessarily, right? I'm not going to say it's not possible to instantly switch to happiness. It probably is! If you are an Instant Happiness Elite member, you can happily click away now if you want :)

Since you and I are not one of them, and choosing happiness day-to-day is a process, and we could use some reps... let's take a few minutes to do the 'tude. The attitude of gratitude. You know, for some people, the gratitudinus maximus (muscle of gratitude) gets very little flexing. Like maybe anually, at Thanksgiving. Sounds about right for the artist formerly known as me. So let's GO! Let's rip it! Are you ready???

Great! Write/think/say a few things you're simply grateful for - and let your creativity take over. Get it flowing! When you finish this next sentence, close your laptop, turn off your monitor, or put that device down and come back when you're done.

Nicely done :) Now that you've got the 'tude, I'm gonna give you some of my 'tude, and maybe you will glow with tudeliness! Here goes, random things (not in order of importance) I'm feeling grateful for:

• The opportunity to write this blog, which I committed to after my last program at The Option Institute, to stay rooted in the Option Process and Option philosophy. I love this time that I use to explore, or get inspired, with the intention of loving and sharing with you, whether I know you or not. I believe that, in a myriad of ways, we are all looking to create more love in our lives. No reason to hide our love.
  
• Flowing with my family. I am in awe of how the four of us move through life like the voices of a fugue - distinct, yet beautifully engineered for togetherness.
• The Son-Rise Program and everything it represents to me. The attitude. The techniques. The fun! The connection I now feel with both of my sons. With my wife. With me. I could go on for quite a while with this one! I'll come back to it when I feel I'm losing the attitude.
  
• Water. Wow! Nature in general!
  
• Existence. It's always awesome to meditate on the question, "What's happening?" Seriously, what's happening?!!
  

Woohoo!! Once the gratitude it's flowing, it's fabulous. But it gets even better when you express it. So, you've got the 'tude?! Share it!!

FROM BEARS: One Step at a Time

ONE STEP AT A TIME: Holidays with our families. Diets and exercise to make us healthy. Trading in old limiting beliefs for new expansive ones. Day/Months in a Son-Rise Program playroom. Healing from illness. Living with physical/emotion/spiritual challenges. We're fully equipped --one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. Love, Bears

Don K.
:) one step at a time

Gareth B.
Or, live in the present, the power of now.... The playroom is a powerful healing place and not just for the student, the teacher also gains from the experience

Melissa F.
@Gareth, I believe the Power Of Now, is most powerful place to live, especially where autism is concerned. Thank You for sharing.
The journey of a thousand steps, begins with just one, and that is now.

Patrick L.
‎...one opportunity at a time!

Audrey W.
Thank you...I needed this reminder. Happy Thanksgiving.

Alison S. T.
One step at a time - trusting myself to keep going for the step after that and the one after that, but not needing to know right now where those steps will go to - it's all OK ♥

Carla H.
beautiful words, you have such an enlightened way of putting things. Wishing expansive coolness to you and your family this time of year. Namaste'

Ellen Y. S.
yup, one step at a time. What's "in our way" is our way.

Rifka M.
I like that!

Ruth B.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Bears and everyone here. This is such a wonderful reminder. Here, NOW, one step at a time. This is what we have. How perfect! My boy Raffy has finally taught me this and how it actually feels to live fully in each moment. I'm still a rooky but being with him in the playroom, I am glimpsing the wonder of being present and connected with him and the whole universe! Wonderful.

Gareth B.
I also would add that the power of joining, when you completely immerse yourself is profound....

Rekha N.
wonderful thought Bears. I used to give myself just huge hurdles to jump and then judge myself for not achieving them. Now I focus on celebrating how far I have come one step at a time!x

Satisfaction

FROM LORNA: It’s been two years since my son was diagnosed with Autism. If I would have been asked right then and there if I were satisfied, I would have promptly and emphatically said, “No! No way!” I mean, who is satisfied with that? At the time I was absolutely devastated.

Skip forward two years and that is precisely the question I was asked to ponder. Well, it wasn’t really a question, per se, but a statement. “You must be so satisfied, all the work you’ve done, and the time you’ve put in.”

In all honesty, I was a bit disarmed by the statement. Satisfied. Hmm. What did that mean to me? I had never thought about it quite in that way. Was I satisfied?

My response, in the moment, was to have my eyes tear up a bit and I said, “Yes. Yes, I am.” But the statement has been on my mind ever since. The fact of the matter is, I’ve been “satisfied” the moment I returned from my very first Son-Rise Program® training at The Option Institute.

Yes, my son has made great progress in his socialization. I do love seeing him interact with people. It hasn’t always been that way. However, the moment I finally understood everything about Autism and the moment I began to love and accept him for exactly who he was, I was SATISFIED. More than satisfied. I was crazy about this little boy and I was looking forward to the process of teaching him. I can say with all honesty that even if he never made any so-called “progress,” I would be satisfied. The process of playing with him in his Son-Rise playroom has been satisfaction personified. It’s been fun, and no matter what the outcome, it has irrevocably changed me.

It has taught me that I can be “satisfied” with anything in my life. It’s all in what I believe about it. I believed in so many false “truths” about Autism before I came to that magical place on the mountain. The place where miracles really do happen.

It has reinforced in me the belief that being in the moment is a path to pure bliss. Certainly that has been the case with my beautiful boy and all that he has brought to my life.

But, most importantly, I think, playing with my child the way that I do, has taught me how to love. How to really, REALLY love.

Who wouldn’t be satisfied with that?

AN OPEN WINDOW

FROM JAMIE: AN OPEN WINDOW and a Red Head Girl ..... Every morning without a day missed you can see Tyler, a 16 year old red head girl, standing at the window of her playroom looking outside. The neighbors wave and say hello to her as they leave for work to begin their day. She has become a part of their day most every day.

Yes, its true – Tyler wakes up in the morning between 5:30am and 7:00 am and goes straight upstairs into her playroom, OPENS THE WINDOW and greets the world! One neighbor has moved and gone back to their home town in Missouri and no longer to be seen. I imagine Tyler misses their dogs that she liked to watch play out in their yard every morning. Not to fret though, they have been replaced with construction workers across the street – lol! The school buses drive by and pick up neighborhood kids and head to school. She stands at the window and watches for anything and everything that is going on in that moment. She doesn’t want to miss a thing. She loves to watch the trees and the wind so peacefully moving the branches. She greets the world when the sun is shining bright and when the morning is cloudy or rainy. Its just an OPEN WINDOW and she decides what she wants to see….

This daily routine of Tyler’s mornings has taught me a few things. Wouldn’t it be great if every single morning when we awoke we OPENED A WINDOW. We saw the world just as it is in that moment. We weren’t stressed about the day ahead. We dropped all worries. And just enjoyed the scenery and everything around us and felt the peacefulness that surrounds us. We could know that change is continuous, leaving room for new experiences. We can greet the world with a smile, a wave, a hello, a hug, an I love you, and so on ~ each and every day and not miss a day.
That, to me, is the best part of waking up .................

Love, Jamie

How DO You Love?

FROM DAVID:

My latest learnings have been about how my concept of love has not been much of a concept at all. Really, if you came up to me and asked, "what is love?", I would start into it with conviction and end up with a sense of having vaguely described a black box. Or maybe a red box with glitter on the outside and velvet lining on the inside. But what's in that box?

The practical definition of love that Bears and The Option Institute teaches - accepting this person, wanting the best (their best for themselves) for this person, being useful to this person - gave me a real concept of love. Looking around at how love is depicted in movies, how other people express it, and observing myself in loving my wife, sons, family, and friends, I've become fascinated with love and how people do it. How do YOU do it?

As I interact with my son, Eidan, in his Son-Rise Program, which to me encompasses all of our togetherness, I continually ask myself a round-robin of questions, "am I loving Eidan as big as I can?" and "am I connecting?" and "am I being useful and user-friendly?" and "am I WITH Eidan, totally aware, present, and available?" I sometimes forget to check in with myself on these things and, at those times, Eidan clues me in by becoming exclusive, or recently, making an "unh-unh" (no) sound in response to whatever I'm doing.

With the Son-Rise Program promoting love and acceptance to a primary focus, and learning how to keep myself tuned in to the love frequency with Eidan, I thought I was kind of done with my learnings about love. Ha! ...and ha! again!! The Option Process is about learning to love yourself, Clyde said in a class at Extraordinary Man. Hmmmm, I thought. And I turned to myself and asked the same questions I ask when I'm with Eidan. Woah, I thought. Being useful to myself is not only ok, it's awesome! Being with myself, aware and present with myself ROCKS! Accepting myself: how I lie to myself, how I try to get what I want in unhappy ways, and how little I actually have looked at myself objectively... that's priceless. Especially in my love relationship with Jennifer!

It's clear: a fulfilling, beautiful, and connected life starts with getting real with ME. Not looking for reasons to beat myself up, but exposing the ways in which I feel powerless, fearful, or otherwise uncomfortable, and then using these opportunities by exploring them and finding answers as to what beliefs are behind them! In seeing, owning, and accepting all of me, I find new ways to be useful to myself and create excitement, joy, and love in my life.

Listen to What I Hear

FROM JAMIE: I wrote this blog on the Son-Rise blogs, but also wanted to share on the Option blog because after attending the Calm Amid Chaos course at the Option Institute I can clearly see what I learned - "Cause is in the Future," "Change is Continuous," and the "Universe is Benevolent."

This story begins in 1995. Tyler is 14 months old.

What they said:

"They" are 9 medical professionals from Neuropsychologist, Neuropsychiatirst, Medical Physician, and several Therapists. "Tyler is Severely Organic Brain Dysfunctioned. I’m sorry this happened to you. You will be lucky if she dresses herself or feeds herself. Expect nothing more. Put her in school 5 days a week. Have another baby. Get on with your life. Don't let her stop you from having a good life."

What MY ears came to hear:

WOW! HOW EXCITING! Your daughter, Tyler, has many challenges. What wonderful gifts this beautiful, curly red head little girl will give you during your journey together. Look at that awesome smile. She knows God picked you especially for her. Love her unconditionally. Accept her fully. Be non-judgmental. Know that she is doing the best she can and you are doing the best you can always. You have been blessed. Believe in possibilities. Believe in YOU, Believe in TYLER. Reach for the stars. Run your race to the end ...... As you walk with God on your journey, enjoy every step for you will have the best life ever imagined.

Tyler is now 16 years old. I have been running a Son-Rise program for 10+ years. Our journey has been amazing! She dresses herself and feeds herself and so much more. I never had another baby. I wanted to dedicate my life to Tyler. I am a single mom and I know God gave her to me especially. I am honored to have been chosen. We are walking this journey with God and so very grateful that He brought us to find the Son-Rise program. Everything I had been searching for for months. I have never looked back. I have never given up on Tyler and never will. We are running our race to the end. I truly believe that if I put Tyler in school she would never be where she is today. Son-Rise has given Tyler and I the best life ever imagined!

And so I say to you, Tyler: Thank you for all the wonderful gifts you have given me. Thank you for bringing me to the Option Institute to learn and live the teachings of the Option Process and to become the best mom I could possibly be - a Son-Rise Mom! Little did I know 10 years ago, that your diagnosis wasn’t just about me helping you, but you helping me. Thank you for continually walking this journey with me. You are truly a blessing. You have given me the best life ever imagined. I am so very proud of you and love you dearly !!!

And so I say to you, My Friends: Hear what you want to hear! Never Give Up! Run your Race to the End! Enjoy every step – it’s truly a beautiful journey when you Go Son-Rise!!!

Much Love to you ALL, Jamie

YES, YES & YES - Three Times A Charm

FROM BEARS: I am sitting near the top of a mountain with my backpack. Across from me are three people, among many, whom I adore. Samahria -- my angel, my partner, my gift from the Universe. Gerd -- a dear friend and colleague for over 20 years, an awesome Son-Rise Program teacher. Bonnie -- who started at the Institute at 23, became both a certified Son-Rise Program Teacher and Certified Option Process Mentor..and who will be 50 years old next year. We have travel many roads together. Now, we sit together with hot chocolates and a cafe late -- in the distance are huge fields and meadows with goats and cows (the cows have bells around their necks which are constantly ring like a magic improvised symphony) -- a village nestled in the valley just below -- and snow & glacier-covered peaks surrounding us.

Bonnie notices me saying, in response to one of her questions: "Yes, yes, yes." She laughs and then suggests Gerd has been saying "yes, yes, yes" as well for over the past year. The waitress returns and I ask her if she ever says "yes, yes, yes" because a previous waitress, we noticed, said "no, no, no" in response to our question. This woman said she is from France and she just needs to say "no" or "yes" once -- period. She seemed very determined. The other waitress, from Switzerland, was the one who said no three times. Then another young woman, from Germany, said she says "ya, ya, ya" three times often but doesn't know why. We all laughed. All of which didn't explain why Gerd and I have been doing it for many, many months.

I thought for some time and realized that I feel very emphatic about jumping into life...about being fully engaged and committed. So, I liked saying my yes and my yes and my yes. Would one "yes" do it -- of course. But the continued affirmed commitment felt like an every bigger embrace of the notion: "yes, thank you." We are often not in charge of what comes our way but we are always in charge of how we respond. Yes -- is the affirmation of acceptance. Thank you -- was a statue of gratitude. YES, THANK YOU (even if it wasn't what I had expected or asked for or previously wanted). Yes, thank you -- meant I would embrace it, would find the opportunity in it and make it a personal blessing. YES, YES, YES.

I smiled at Bonnie and Gerd and my lovely, Samahria. YES, YES, YES -- to all of them. Yes, I love them. Yes, I am their dear and committed friend. And, yes, I will always be there for them. It felt warm and fuzzy and an honor to show up that way.

Love and smiles, Bears

From the Hard Times to the Sweet Times

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman): WHEN I HELD HER HAND,THE TOUCH FELT LIKE HOME. When I looked into her eyes, time became timeless. Today, yesterday, now, forever. Through the soft focus of my eyes, she looked no different than when I first gazed at her, at 17. Now 50 years had passed & we made our love endure & grow bigger. Why? Because we took ownership of our own confusions, unhappiness and expectations. Because, we worked diligently on becoming students of ourselves even as we faced challenges. Because we stayed the course, as imperfectly as that may have been, refusing to give up on ourselves and each other, even as we faced the challenges of autism, of adopting children from situations of trauma, of raising a rainbow family of awesome kids as we reached out to help other individuals, families and children. The Option Institute. The Son-Rise Program. The Autism Treatment Center of America. The sky above, the earth below, the sun and the moon, the comings and the goings.

Five decades. 50 years, this year. It feels like we are still beginning. Like infants so excited to learn more and keep growing. But none of this could have happened without that first look into her blue-green eyes, that first kiss, without the dedication to work through the hard times to find the sweet times...and now, times sweeter than I could have ever dreamed. I have been so hugely blessed to hold hands with my bride, my girlfriend, my best friend, Samahria, who has taught me so much about love, laughter and deep caring for those around us.

All these years, in this moment, seem no longer than a single flash of light in a midnight sky -- on a warm summer night -- just like tonight. The sky above, the earth below, the sun and the moon, the comings and the goings. What we all have is happening right now -- and now -- and now.

Realization of Victimization

FROM JAMIE: Just the other day while registering for the Calm Amid Chaos course, I was doing my typical "wishing." I wished I could go to more than one course a year..I wished I could have 2 Outreaches a year...I wished I could send in Videos for Consultations as much as possible.....I wish I had a boyfriend/husband to help me....I wished my family helped me and was more supportive .... and then ... I had a REALIZATION OF VICTIMIZATION!

I am a single mom running a Son-Rise program for now 10 years plus. I have struggled financially for many years. The last few years have been the toughest. I am not able to work at the present time to take care of Tyler. I am struggling to pay my bills monthly. So, as i wished and wished and wished daily, one day it finally hit me like a ton of bricks! I was watching the movie Surf's Up and Big Z says ~ "Never give up. Find a way. That's what winners do." At that very moment I realized that even though I wasn't giving up on Tyler, I wasn't finding a way to get to where I wanted to go for as much as I wanted for Tyler. I was playing the "victim" ~ I never moved! I was waiting for help from someone, from somewhere. I wasn't getting very far being a victim. I've been somewhat "standing still" all this time. I don't want to be a victim anymore. I am going to find a way to get more for Tyler. To be continued .........


Love, Jamie

Never Give Up Hope

FROM BEARS: He spent 24 years institutionalized. He is now 33, and 9 months ago his mom dared to take her autistic son out of this facility to start a Son-Rise Program. We trained this courageous mom and her staff. Initially, this young man was super withdrawn, aggressive/violent, non-communicative. This week, I watched him work with our staff...he has become a gentle soul, communicating, interactive. NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.
Love, Bears

I (Heart) Feedback

From Angie Hooper: It's feedback season at work. Once a year, I get a sit down formal review with my boss. I love getting feedback but I didn't like it back when I started my current job. I had a bad experience with feedback as a baby lawyer* and whenever I sat down with my current boss, I'd usually start either making excuses (if the feedback was a point to change) or hysterically giggling (if the feedback was neutral or positive). This made my boss crazy, so he gave me feedback on feedback.

The strangest part to me of my giggle-reflex was that I continued to behave so nervously after so much feedback training as part of my Son-Rise Program and Option Process journey. In my Son-Rise Program, if someone has an idea of how I could be more effective, I want to know about it. Why would it be different for my job? Isn't my effort at work as valuable as my effort in the playroom? Why wouldn't I want feedback to make time at work as effective and enjoyable as possible? I'm living in a benevolent universe, so my boss did something very "Option Process" this year during my feedback. He said, "Why do you do that hysterical laughter?" I also did something very "Option Process": I answered the question. He nodded. Then he gave my feedback, and it was insightful and useful--everything one would hope feedback would be. Everything that feedback has been when I've worked with Son-Rise Program teachers. Another gift to me because of Eric's autism. I'm becoming a better parent, a more comfortable person, and now more accomplished as a professional through everything I'm learning as part of the Son-Rise Program and Option Process.

*In case you're curious, here's the story and a great example of how not to give effective feedback: one day (when I worked at a law firm) I found a brown envelope on my office chair containing a stack of handwritten reviews from every partner I'd worked with in the firm. One of them recited a litany of aspersions and ended with, "I'm sure she has some redeeming qualities, but I'm not interested in finding out what they are." Now, of course, I see the many gifts of the personal attack-disguised-as-feedback, including the nudge to get out of a situation that had run its course. (Plus, I know now that none of those insults were about me.) But I carried that brown envelope around in my head every day at work until recently.

From Rekha: Pressure : To do or not to do that is the question? But is it the answer?

From Rekha: Do you need to motivate yourself with stress and pressure? It is not good or bad just another way of doing something.

Jo (one of my Son-Rise team members) talked about using stress, she described "...a tight feeling of urgh, first thing in the morning..." this she said "...helped remind her that she had to tend to her financial matters and...how useful it was..."

Many people can perhaps empathise with this, it is indeed a modality I used very frequently in my life too, to motivate myself to work harder or do a better job! It has been very good friend over the years, however, I recently decided I wanted to part company with this fella. Why? you might ask, well I found each time I was actually using the fear of failure to motivate myself. Consequently I didn't enjoy the journey and I when I got to my carrot I breathed a sigh of relief thanking the powers above for saving me yet again from a terrible consequence, failure!

So I didn't enjoy the journey or the end goal.

Whilst running a Son-Rise programme for my son over the last few years I found myself during feedback repeatedly saying "...it is about the process, not about the end goal,..just have fun trying, the result will happen and even if it doesn't at least you will have had fun trying..."

Then a peculiar thing happened, I decided to believe it! I went to do Mentor Certification this year (2010) I had very little time to prepare. So I had a choice do my old modality or have fun while doing my best, just letting go of the outcome that was the solution to all of biggest challenges in my life, all my judgements and expectations.

I realised this was one of few places on this earth that pressure would never work to achieve my end result anyway, so I surrendered myself to the process and dived in with all my self-studentship, 3E's and my clear purpose . I decided to trust the teachers were there and responsible for teaching me, i.e. when I didn't know something it meant nothing about me, but raised my hand to ask questions until I did. It was like being a kid again.

The result was delicious, I had the best time loving and supporting my co-participants always knowing we were all doing the best we could. We built relationships I would never have imagined and also learnt more about the Option Process Dialogue. Any time I felt any discomfort I worked on it immediately to align myself with my intention, constantly building a network of happiness supporting beliefs.

Then I got my grades and I passed with great marks. So it was a win-win, my journey was my carrot the result was just more evidence to support the good feeling I gave myself all month and want to go on to give myself...

Christmas Present

From Angie Hooper: Christmas, as usual, was different than the way I planned it.

Rather than the large family gathering I thought we were going to have, our table was surrounded by the usual five. We had expected others to join us, but a series of unexpected events (including a winter storm) resulted in our extended family canceling visits. In holiday seasons past, I have made myself miserable worrying over menus and whether ribbon matches the wrapping paper. This year, I had been on track to whip myself into a frenzy over side dishes when cancellations started. At a certain point, so many plans were up in the air, waiting on doctors' appointments and weather reports, that it started making more sense to wing it. It's not like me to wing it. I like making plans. Sometimes, thinking about how to do something perfectly and waiting for the perfect time takes me longer than actually jumping in and doing the thing itself.

"The ham is too small. If they all show up at the last minute, we'll end up with pad thai for Christmas dinner," I told Hoopdaddy a few days ago. He said that sounded perfect to him. So instead of putting the effort into imagining a perfectly orchestrated day, I set my intention to be present. We used video chat so some of the grandparents could see Baby Princess open her gifts. I got so excited about watching their gleeful unwrapping that I burned the breakfast. (And as a bonus, learned that being present works best when the stovetop is off.) We played in the snow, made a GF/CF pumpkin pie, and read books. We watched a movie and talked to Number One Son about whether the villain had a choice to be evil. I slowed down long enough to take a nap. I took pictures of my Son-Rise Program stepson Eric and got one when he was looking at the camera rather than in profile. All of the things that happen when I'm present, enjoying the good now instead of waiting for the perfect.

From Angela: Son-Rise Wide Awake Thursday: What I Found Because I Lost It

From Angela: I woke up early on the Thursday morning of Son-Rise Wide Awake thinking about why I'd had such a hard time keep the mentor's attitude during Dialogue class. My task was to focus on one aspect of the attitude, being present, loving, or non-judgmental. Of those aspects, being loving is usually the easiest but I hadn't been able to do it. I woke up knowing the source of my difficulty--giving love conditionally instead of freely.

I resisted the thought at first--I give love unconditionally all the time, don't I? At least to some people. Except there was That Person in particular who wasn't going to get love until they started loving and accepting me first. I walked into class Thursday morning considering the possibility that intentionally witholding love from someone else could be the reason that I felt lonely and isolated. What if that was the reason I couldn't find the mentor attitude when I wanted it? Because I'd been conditioning my love on others loving me first?

For years I believed that I felt lonely because someone didn't love me first. It hit me during class that I created the loneliness because I didn't love first. Holding back, I put up a wall keeping my love in. Finally, I built so many walls that I created a maze. I slipped out of the back of class and turned my cell phone one. Rather than winding through the maze trying to find the love at the center, I would see if I could find the love by knocking down a wall.

(to be continued)

Hope & The Opposite Alternative

FROM BEARS (Barry Neil Kaufman): Hope & The Opposite Alternative. A Son-Rise Mom wrote me today that the doctors said her son with autism would never talk in a meaningful way, never interact with warmth, never feel or express affection or love. Today, that little boy speaks endless sentences, hugs, plays affectionately, asks great questions and is so curious about the world. Why do people think pessimism is realistic and optimism is unreasonable?

Let's dream our biggest dream. Let's not be limited by views of others (no matter what expertise they claim) but be inspired with what we want for ourselves, our families and our children. Realism is about the past -- it has zero to do with what's possible today, right now. Hope and dreams is about today...what can be, what is possible. Two quotes I love: one is by Disraeli - "Nurture your mind with great thoughts for you will never go higher than you think." The other is mine: "Stop believing is what is and start believing in what you want!"

Love and smiles, Bears

Son-Rise Wide Awake 2009: Wednesday--Change

From Angie Hooper: Sometimes, you just have to get back to the fundamentals. Two remarkable learnings from class today changed the way I see the Option Process. Rather than an emergency response to a crisis, I see now it is a way to live hopefully and as a co-creator of my life.

The first remarkable thing that happened, Barry Neil ("Bears") Kaufman said in class this morning that it's helpful to have an intention to change something when we do Dialogues. That's backwards from how I have been approaching Dialogues. Usually, I spend some time before a Dialogue thinking about the subject that I want to explore. Maybe, it would be more useful to think about the change I want to make. After all, I can uncover almost any belief that I have my looking deeply into a single reaction (like, what I choose for lunch) rather than across an issue (like, why do I feel lonely). Maybe that's why I'm finding so many opportunities to change during this program--I set my intention to change something before I arrived.

The second remarkable thing that happened was thinking about whether I was afraid to "run out" of opportunities to Dialogue. In other words, if I change all my limiting beliefs and how I see things in an unhappy way, then what? I don't get to Dialogue anymore? Bears spoke in class about how I could use the Dialogue as a way to discover how to create more happiness instead of a way to get out from under unhappiness. Rather than exploring why this person's actions or that person's judgment "makes" me unhappy, I could (even now) explore what beliefs I want to create that would help me be a more loving spouse, more fun in Eric's Son-Rise Program playroom, a more present lawyer, how to love more.

The key is for me to remember that (if I'm unhappy) that I'm making myself unhappy, which not only takes away my self-righteousness, but provides the doorway to change.

Son-Rise Wide Awake Tuesday (Morning): "Beautiful"

I walked into class Tuesday morning loaded for bear (if you'll pardon the expression). During my run on the elliptical earlier that morning, I thought about Beverly Haberman's words to me after the Dialogue training class on Monday evening: if you're struggling in class, raise your hand. Tell somebody. Ask for help. I was still annoyed about thoughts others had offered the day before in class, assumptions that seemed patently off the mark. So, when Barry Neil ("Bears") Kaufman walked in and asked us all, "How are you?" I put my hand up.

Not a tentative gesture to indicate a thought forming, not a happy wave, I put my hand up the way a cavalry captain signals a charge. "Actually," I said, "I'm feeling angry and judged, and as a matter of fact, woke up at 5 a.m. feeling angry. I actually woke myself up early so that I would have extra time to be angry before class." Bears smiled and led me through a Dialogue to identify who, in particular, made an assumption about me that I didn't like. "She said that I only did things to get approval from other people," I pointed at one of my fellow participants. "And that was only, like, 20% right."

"So," Bears smiled sweetly, "She was right." Long pause from me. Dang it, yes, she was right. He continued with same sweetness of spirit, "What do you think about the idea that people are going to judge you and make assumptions, and you could decide to be happy and comfortable in the face of those judgments?" Another long pause from me, and then tears started as I imagined that possibility. To be solid in my convictions regardless of the approval of others, regardless of contrary opinions or indifference, seemed like a luxury.

If my theme song for Monday was "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter, the theme song for Tuesday morning was "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera.

(to be continued)