Tuesday, December 8, 2009

From Angela: Son-Rise Wide Awake Thursday: What I Found Because I Lost It

From Angela: I woke up early on the Thursday morning of Son-Rise Wide Awake thinking about why I'd had such a hard time keep the mentor's attitude during Dialogue class. My task was to focus on one aspect of the attitude, being present, loving, or non-judgmental. Of those aspects, being loving is usually the easiest but I hadn't been able to do it. I woke up knowing the source of my difficulty--giving love conditionally instead of freely.

I resisted the thought at first--I give love unconditionally all the time, don't I? At least to some people. Except there was That Person in particular who wasn't going to get love until they started loving and accepting me first. I walked into class Thursday morning considering the possibility that intentionally witholding love from someone else could be the reason that I felt lonely and isolated. What if that was the reason I couldn't find the mentor attitude when I wanted it? Because I'd been conditioning my love on others loving me first?

For years I believed that I felt lonely because someone didn't love me first. It hit me during class that I created the loneliness because I didn't love first. Holding back, I put up a wall keeping my love in. Finally, I built so many walls that I created a maze. I slipped out of the back of class and turned my cell phone one. Rather than winding through the maze trying to find the love at the center, I would see if I could find the love by knocking down a wall.

(to be continued)

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